I found away to stop the pain im feeling its not the right way of dealing with it but it helps take my mind off the mental.pain ..i dont mean drugs either ...but my gp said alot of ppl self harm because it takes there pain away ,,,he wasnt saying its right and he says i shouldnt do it ,but at the moment it helps esp when it comes to going to sleep am sure am not the first and wont he the last but everyone copes differently ...i tried to get up and was going to go on treadmill in shed but motivation is zero ...fresh air in garden just makes me think of everything lindsey went through...i guess i feel.as her husband that it was my job to save her and because i couldnt i feel like its all my fault...i went out of my way too do the best i could ,,when she was told she had months to live ,you will try anything ,,,we tried cannabis oil and it completely numbed her pain she was so happy to be pain free ,and i guess i thought we where killing tge cancer ,but the cancer was too far advanced and all the oil was doing was helping with pain ,i kept a diary of what she was eating when she was opening her bowels making sure she had her meds keeping her postive as possible , i googled end of life symptoms and she had none ,and i was under the impression that she would slowly start to stop eating drinking etc, ,but she was fine on the thursday then suddenly on friday she went down hill and the dr was out filling out a dnr form ...i was completely in shock at how she was doing good to going really bad ....when she died ,, i didnt cry cause to me she was warm and alive ...and i just got in the bed with her after the nurses laid her flat and cuddled her n held her hand for 2 hours ...i didnt want to let her go but i had to because they had to take her away..00.07 june 18th and i should be lying next to my wife ,life is cruel ...lindsey im sorry i couldnt save you ,i tried i really really really tried my love ....i love you more each day ...my life without you feels like a prison sentence not having you around is destroying me and not having mollie hurts .i just really hope when mollie starts big school in september she starts to realise the truth ,that her mum brainwashed her,,,and that me linzi and mol had many many memorys of fun laughter and memorys that we all cherish forever ...il never forget that day at chester zoo where mol was playing up all day until she saw the monkeys and she was amazed by them and playing pie face and having beach days out i love you lindsey and i love you mollie ,dad will always be here waiting ,and i will always have you in my heart lindsey goodnight my everything xxx
