Hi
I know this isn't the best place to ask a question like this and I will be speaking to my radiotherapy team tomorrow, and probably calling the Macmillan line tomorrow before my appointment as well (although I'm rubbish on the phone so might bail out).
I'm 7...or 8...I've lost count... of 15 sessions of breast radiotherapy in. I already have a lot of pain, swelling, redness etc and severe fatigue. I'm honestly done. I don't want any more. I still have almost two more weeks of this to go, in total, and I know the pain and reactions peak two weeks after treatment finishes. I can't handle any more. I struggled badly through chemo, I'm struggling with herceptin, my anxiety is at its limit. I have no emotional support. I didn't before covid and I certainly don't now.
I'm petrified of the permanent changes in size, colour, shape, skin. I feel like if I stop now then I reduce those chances. Is some radiotherapy better than none? I felt like I was forced into even having it in the first place through fear, same as the chemo, I never wanted it at all, and I find myself already struggling with the very things I was told were going to be "mild", "not as bad as chemo", "if you can get through chemo you'll find rads a breeze". I didn't even make it through all of chemo, they stopped it early. I'm not finding rads a breeze. I'm really scared of what is going to happen to my appearance. I'm 33 and it genuinely bothers me.
Is stopping early a bad idea?
I feel like they're going to roll their eyes at me tomorrow and dismiss my concerns because I did the same thing after one session of chemotherapy - I came in the next week, said I didn't want any more, there was some vague encouragement for me to carry on which I refused and then the next day I freaked out and asked to resume it.
I went in to my radiotherapy session today wanting to talk to them about stopping but felt stupid so just went along with it, cried throughout the procedure and then got out of there. Since coming home I've felt even more sure that I want to stop.
Sorry. I know I've written a book. I know no one can really give me an answer and I need to speak to an expert. Just after any support really. My mental health is in the toilet and I'm in pain and just really scared. I don't want the cancer to come back but I just can't handle any more of this.
Hey thank you so much for your reply.
I'm her2+ and mild er+ and pr+. So I am having herceptin which seemed to be the biggest one for me. They also recommended tamoxifen but I refused as I am too scared of the side effects and having to be on it for such a long time as I'm young. They seem OK with that as it was only a weak pos for ER and PR. Rads always just seemed like a given for my treatment plan and to be honest I was too blindsided by the fear of chemo to think about what happened after that, that I also just assumed rads would be fine. But then chemo finished and I started looking at rads and its side effects and freaked out over it all. I took a long time to decide whether to have it, very reluctantly agreed because my husband basically guilted me into it, (I sound harsh dumping the blame on him, he didn't force me, it's just we have 3 really young kids and he laid it out as me being selfish for not trying everything I could to stick around for them).
Then covid happened and I started reading about everyone's rads being cancelled or shortened. I started hoping mine would be cancelled so that the decision would be out of my hands, or at least shortened to the 5 days everyone else seems to be having, but my onc said I'd be having it shortened from 20 to 15 sessions (boosters now included in the daily fractions rather than seperately basically). So then I got scared because why are they still making me have it when other people are getting it stopped? Thinking I'm clearly going to die of cancer if I don't get it etc etc
I have a friend whose boob is still affected 2 years later, more solid and darker. I know in the grand scheme of things it's hardly an issue but I've got major control issues with my body as it is a
d it just feels like a constant bombardment of attack and I read the "uncommon side effects" and think yeah every single one of those are going to happen to me. Even seeing my boob already swollen u and everything I've read saying that's uncommon. I don't want wonky boobs  I've had sooo many "this might not happen" things happen throughout this already that my faith and hope in things actually going OK is trashed. 
I think the fear of the unknown is the biggest thing for me and allowing them to do this stuff to me that is causing pain is just too much after everything I've already gone through I've just had enough. I'm just scared that if I stop now am I causing even more damage?
