Should I ask him to leave? Help please!

Oh my goodness, you poor thing.  With breast cancer, chemo and all the rest of it, on top of having young children, the last thing you need is your husband to be making it all about him.  I guess you should reflect first on whether or not you are repeatedly short with him or have a go at him for no reason, which won't help.  However, if he really is selfishly putting himself at the centre of things, I wonder if the two of you couldn't have some counselling.  You and your children definitely do not need this stress. Could you talk with him gently and ask him what the matter is?  

Thank you for your reply grizzles. We had a chat a few days ago and he said I’m the problem. Every time he said a horrible comment or called me names I did snap but for the last couple of weeks  I’ve jus walked away. I did snap at him last night. We’ve not had any intimacy for ages purely cause why would I want to when I feel he’s treating me like rubbish. He kept on and on last night and I just lost it and shouted No. which he then rolled over and said night. That’s the other thing he’s always moaning that we’re not intimate enough and apparently it’s bad for a couple not to be intimate at least once a week. Sorry for the tmi. He then says I must be seeing someone else as it’s not normal for not wanting to be intimate with your husband unless your having an affair. Which I’m not. I keep saying I don’t want to sleep with him why the heck would I want to sleep with anyone else. When we spoke I did say to him things need to improve by after Christmas otherwise it’s over but he then just said well you have a lot of changing to do then don’t you. Meaning me. I just don’t know what else to do, I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall with him. I’ve told my closest friend all this and she just said he’s being an A hole. We’ve been together for 10years but I don’t want to throw it all away and cause upset to the children but I can’t stay unhappy either. 

Hello again LiveLoveLaugh.  What you've just described re your sex life rings a bell with me, although I had those feelings long before I ever had breast cancer.  It's a vicious circle.  No sex leads to frustration on the part of your partner and you both lose that feeling of closeness in your everyday life because you know it's the elephant in the room.  We had a rocky relationship anyway and we finally divorced (ironically good platonic friends now).  I don't know what yours was like before your breast cancer but I can imagine that you need tenderness more than sex at the moment.  If it was a good relationship before the cancer, it should be worth hanging on to.  You're still in recovery so things aren't going to be perfect for a while.  I'm no counsellor and I obviously don't know anything about your husband, so I can only suggest that the two of you could maybe try to cultivate a little bit of tenderness during the day - smile, kiss, cup of tea, do something for each other even if it's a little thing, just to show that you care and respect each other - while at the same time avoiding anything negative at all. 

Dear live love laugh, I’m sorry to hear of the problems in your relationship with your husband and it’s totally understandable why it’s causing you so much distress, but in an attempt to be fair to both of you I just wanted to emphasis the enormous stress a cancer diagnosis brings and sadly in my experience men find it difficult to deal with the emotions it stirs up and can act in ways which to you and me seem counterproductive. I’ve been married for 36 years and have been living with cancer for 16 months, my husbands approach to things from a emotional point of view are not the same as mine and this can sometimes lead me to feel he is being insensitive but I know him well enough to realise his brain just works differently and he shows his love in a more practical way. Also it’s possible your husband is feeling powerless to fix things for you and this will be painful for him as men still think it’s their job to be a knight on a white horse. I think you would both benefit from talking through your feelings with someone independent as I think you would find that the problems you are having are not unique and can be resolved. Don’t be too hard on each other, none of this stuff is easy but you can find a way through it with the right help.

best wishes jane

Hi LiveLoveLaugh

what an awful position to be in, I really feel for you. 

I think I would speak to a counsellor and go through what’s happening. You can maybe access one through your hospital/ Maggies Centre/ Haven/ Macmillan or your Gp can refer. I feel that you’re not doing a lot of laughing or getting a lot of love from your husband and you’re not sure what to do, talking it through with someone who doesn’t know you could really help.

Ive had counselling in the past and found it really helpful. I’ve also spoken to a Macmillan helpline person Too and recently spoke to one from Breast Cancer care - they are very good.  You could also call Women’s Aid, their website has some good info about relationships. 

Basically I don’t think that your husbands behaviour is ok, he is bullying you and it’s impacting on you and the kids. He’s not taking responsibility, blaming you for how he reacts isn’t ok. Supporting a wife through cancer is stressful and I reckon there’s  lot of repressed feelings that are driving his behaviour but that’s not an excuse for being abusive. 

Only you will know the best course of action to take. I hope you can get some help with steering a course that helps you all. Keep talking about it, I reckon you have the answers inside of you. We could tell you what to do but it has to be right for you.  

Nicky xxxx

Thank you both. Think a chat is on the cards.

hi,i think there should be some form of an adult cancer understanding school where partners could go and experience exactly what their cancer partner is going through.i think its down to a lack of understanding that partners react badly to their partners illness.i was pronably lucky in one way as i got prostate cancer 2 years before my girlfriend got multiple myeloma and im sure this helped me to understand a lot of her problems.i felt like i had another home at the hospital and its still ongoing and will be for as long as she lives but the point is its very hard for some people to understand and maybe if your husband would go and talk to mcmillan himself he no doubt be more involved in helping you.we still have our problems even some longstanding ones but the last thing anybody is sick needs is someone making the problem worse.i hope you get it sorted and life settles down for you.

I'm so sorry for you. I've been recently diagnosed and my husband has carried on as if nothing has happened.  Been his usual happy joking self. He also moaned at me when it took 2 hours to drive back from my diagnosis appointment. To be honest we need to concentrate on our children and our energy into ourselves. I feel like my OH is already shutting me out his life. I'm trying not to let him sap my energy as I haven't started treatment yet and need my energy for that. You have plenty of others around you xxxx