Disappointing flexi

Unfortunately I had the heart sinking moment yesterday at my flexi. On arrival I was delighted to realise I was on my CNS's list, by far my preference over the doctors. However only minutes into the procedure we noticed the new growth. It is very very tiny (smallest I've had) and looked different  to previous tumours, flatter and like a ridge more than a raised tumour,  so I asked if it was CIS but everyone seemed clear it is not. There was a (new to the team) doctor in the room observing, who afterwards asked me if I would now prefer to have a cystectomy, since I have had 3 recurrences during the BCG treatment. I really don't want to go down this route because of my age (73) and because I live alone 250 miles away from my family. They only returned to London post lock-down at the start of September, and my grand daughter has settled back at school, I don't want her disrupted again if possible. My daughter will always come to help me cope in an emergency and has done previously but after a cystectomy I fear I would need on-going support for many many weeks possibly months, before I was fit enough to feed and manage my small holding. I asked about Mitomyacin and new doc said BCG is better. My CNS asked if I meant heated Mitomyacin. I didn't know the technicalities but I explained I had read about others for whom it had apparently worked after BCG didn't. Anyway for now it is back down the TURBT road, biopsies and see what the multi-disciplinary team come up with. My CNS says there should not be a delay and it will get done within 30 days as previously. 

Strangely despite feeling pretty flat I slept really deeply last night, and was awoken by the telephone. It was my grand daughter who wanted to sing her 3 times table (just learnt) to me. So yesterday was rotten but today has started rather well. One day at a time. xxx