Giving up

Dear Sal, 

I am so very sorry to hear this, I can empathise with your post as my Husband also was diagnosed with OC, this was in May and his secondaries are different to that of your husband, he is 52. 

I am sorry too, to hear that your husband has had such negative side effects of the chemo, and I am unsure as to how you can make your husband focus on the positive if he is struggling so much. Incurable is a horrible thought, but that word should not be allowed to hold so much negativity over an individual. That may be easier said than done for some, but I have started to write a blog on my husbands experience which may offer you and your husband some hope. https://community.macmillan.org.uk/blogs/b/facing-the-future-together

The shock of the original diagnosis, the struggle with eating, losing independence and undergoing invasive treatment are massive challenges in themselves, focusing on a positive mindset is the only thing that an individual who is experiencing this, has a modicum of control over.  

Dal has days when he feels awful, he hates it, he tries so hard to push himself, even going as far as putting the hoover around so that he has a reason to allow himself to feel tired.  He meditates daily, he has smoothies with high level nutriments to keep his strength up. He plays the music he loves, sometimes using online videos which offer meditation methods... Just some suggestions that I hope will offer your husband some focus and release from his pain. 

We are here if you would like to talk to either of us virtually, either in private message or via these posts..

Thinking of you both and hoping that your husbands finds some future comfort from his treatment and many better months ahead. 

Lowe'

Hi lowell, thanks for your reply, I have had a look at your blog to

Mikky first symptoms were problems swallowing, he also had pain to which he said was in his chest, went to gp they sent him for heart exam and said nothing wrong, that turned out to be his spinal mets, had radiotherapy a one of for pain,and hasn't needed pain relief since which is good, he hasn't had to many problems eating so long as he eats slowly and drinks plenty, I found plenty of useful information in your blog regarding food that your husband was eating, I will be keeping that in mind .

It was such a smack in the face to get the diagnosis, and then to hear the word incurable and palliative treatment only, I keep telling him he needs to keep strong as he has to give our daughter away next june and give a wonderful speech for her , he says he keeps thinking of things he wants to say so we have pen and paper to write them down so not as to forget them.

I want to stay positive and for the most part I am ,its when I'm on my own I turn in to blubbering wreak, if its suggested he continue for another  3 cycles, and he doesn't he doesn't want anyone else to know stopping was his decision,  I don't think he realizes the pressure to keep this secret, I don't think he sees it as a problem,  I wont say anything to anyone i respect his wishes, my i go on, feels good to let it out .

Once again thanks for your response

Sally 

Sally

I fully understand where you mention about being alone and turning into a blubbering wreck, this is only to be expected. The fear of the lost future, the possible negative outcome, the loss of a precious man, and of course in my case at least, the "what am I supposed to do without him". 

I will be sending you a friend request to enable you to type more but off of the main forum pages, if you want to let more out, please, please feel free to do so. 

I hope that your husband can find a way to face the next treatments, for both of you. x

Lowe

Hope you are ok Sally

We're not to bad thanks, hope you are both ok, had one cycle of different chemo  which is on hold at moment as he has inflammation of the lungs, he's  ok in him self just gets short of breath very quickly, I'm back at work after being furloughed,  nice to get a little bit of normal, I know i can leave work when ever he needs me as in 5 minutes up the road, having new bedroom carpet fitted later today so of to empty room with the help of my daughter   keep well stay safe 

Sal1

Hi Sal, 

I completely sympathise with your situation also. My husband (52 soon) was diagnosed with incurable stomach cancer Xmas Eve 2019 and offered palliative Chemo. He had 5 cycles of his first one but had to stop as damaged kidneys so now he stents fitted. He is now on his 2nd line chemo (3 of 4 done so far) as first one didn’t work well enough. He had a scan last Friday and we gets results tomorrow so right now he is very negative. We also had to rush him to hospital Monday as they had found lots of blood clots on his lungs so now he has to have daily injections for that. All in all pretty rubbish.

Ive always been a positive person and trying to be positive for my hubby but some days he just gets sick of it all. He has zero energy and can barely find the strength to do anything now, nor does he want to either. But he has never said no to more chemo, as you just never know with all the progress constantly being made in research.
I can’t imagine how it must feel for our loved ones with the constant thought of death in the back of their minds, but I just want my husband to keep trying.

his daughter married last year and they had their first baby in May so I’m hoping that will keep him positive to keep trying.

i can’t offer any advice I’m afraid as I have no idea how to deal with our own situation. I feel like I’ve lost part of my husband already and he is so distant a lot of the time. I constantly think about the fact that I could end up alone before my 50s and how I’m supposed to carry on without him, but overall I stay strong for him and the family and cry in my own in bed if needed!

i just wanted to reach out to say that i totally understand how you feel.

julie xx

Hi Julie, I get where your coming from,  my husband and I were both 59 in August, my husband managed 3 cycles of first line chemotherapy, but the fatigue was so bad was agreed with consultant to stop, he had a break then scan and there is now more on his spine,hip ,rib and liver,  had done one cycle of 2nd line chemotherapy and had now had to stop as has inflammation on his lungs started antibiotics yesterday,  our daughter is due to get married June 2021 so at the moment that's his goal,  he is positive most of the time, but its day by day, if its a good day then we try to make the most of it,he gets tired very quickly,  so we go out for rides in his convertible ka car and it always puts a smile on his face, we both know our time together is limited but I'm so grateful I found him and we've had the 16 years together that we have had so far, and I've promised myself and him I will be as strong as I can for as long as he needs me x

I’ll be strong with you Sal. Life seems so unfair sometimes and we are being robbed of our loved ones far too early. But bitterness doesn’t solve anything so all we can do is be there for them, try to stay positive and enjoy the time we have together, and just hope and pray it’s as long as possible.

Having your daughter’s wedding next year is such a good goal for him to work towards.

x

Good luck with the scan today also. We’re waiting for our afternoon call right now...

x

Hi,

Hope scan results good,ours showed now change to cancer except left rib ,but Michael said that's OK no pain from that one, also showed what they think is the inflammation on his lungs, so week of antibiotics , phone call next Wednesday to see if he can continue with chemo for  a few more cycles, he's napping with the puppy im cross stitching my switch off xx 

Stay safe and strong always here if you need to chat x