Support with my 12 year old daughter

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Hi,

I am struggling with how much to tell my 12 year old daughter about her terminally ill grandma. A few weeks ago we found out that my mum has a stage 4 Angiosarcoma. It is a very rare and aggressive cancer. We have been told she only has a prognosis of months / possibly weeks to live. My 12 year old daughter knows that ‘grandma’ has to have chemo sooner than we thought (it started two weeks ago) as the cancer is worse than we thought. Although I have told her that we need to be realistic this time she still very much believes that grandma will get better. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Do we tell her exactly how it is? Or do we try to protect her a bit longer from the inevitable. I just want to point out that my 12 year old is an extreme worrier too. I’m just not sure what to do.
I am finding it very hard keeping it all together and find myself being short tempered and then feeling really bad about it. So I wonder if maybe telling my daughter the truth would help her understand why I am not myself at the moment? But then by telling her the absolute truth will that make the time we have left with my mum/my daughter’s grandma harder. I just don’t know. And also, I’ll mention again that my daughter is an extreme worrier. I am also a worrier and since the day I found out that mums cancer had returned every day has been tainted and I have struggled. I don’t want that for my daughter.

Please, if anyone can help or has been through a similar situation, I would really appreciate some guidance. My heart is broken and I am struggling.
Thank you, Helen.

Latestart 27 days ago

Dear Helen,

I was a lot older than your daughter (22) when I learnt that my mother had terminal cancer. There was no time to protect me or my sister (19). But I have always felt that knowing what was going on was the best way forward at any age. Co-incidentally I was diagnosed with the same cancer 3 years ago but caught it in time to be treated, unlike my mother.

I have friends who refused to tell their 2 primary aged-daughters that their mother had cancer (fortunately treatment has gone OK) despite knowing that their friends from school may have been told/overheard their parents talking about it. I have read that if kids aren't told something but sense there is a big thing they don't know, they may begin to make up something even worse or even to think it's their fault. Which is understandable, even if it seems a bit strange to adults.

In your position I think I would drip feed information so that your daughter doesn't start 'worrying about the big secret'. But you know her best. I imagine she would like to feel hat you can trust her with the news - and may need reassurance that you aren't ill as well but upset.

But I think before you take any steps you feel uncomfortable with you might talk to the Macmillan helpline, see if there is any material on the Macmillan website re talking to children and also see if there is a Maggie's centre or similar near you to get support for yourself as well as your daughter.

All the best to you, your daughter and your mother,

Latestart

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Support with my 12 year old daughter