I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Nov 2019. I started my chemo last Tues (28th Jan).
Since my diagnosis my boyfriend has been very caring and loving and has said he will be by my side throughout everything. I feel very lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend in such a difficult time in my life.
However, since my diagnosis, our sex life has just stopped. There is no physical intimacy at all. We have hugs and share a kiss sometimes in bed at night but he always pulls away if I suggest something more and says he's tired.
Prior to my diagnosis we had had some relationship difficulties and we were trying to work them out. Sex wasn't so frequent then either. But then along came the cancer and sort of took over and the issues we had I guess were never really resolved properly.
He is also struggling with his own demons, he lost his father a year and a half ago and I don't think he has properly grieved for him. He developed anxiety not long after his father's death which has affected him quite badly, he has attacks and he sometimes can't even drive or feels he can't leave the house. He is awaiting an app to see a counsellor to talk things through.
Prior to starting chemo I was offered fertility treatment should the effects of chemo render me infertile. We discussed everything and decided to do this as a couple and were both super excited about it all. We decided to freeze eggs and embryos. We were told by the fertility team that it was important my boyfriend ejaculated regularly to ensure the samples were always fresh. (Sorry for crudeness). We didn't have sex at all. He preferred to do things by himself. He said it was only twice. But this hurt me enormously. I thought he might want to have sex with me....share some intimacy and reconnect given we were, in a way, planning for our future. But nothing.
I've tried to talk about it with him, but he just says it stresses him out. So I leave it so I'm not adding to his stress. But I'm left feeling rejected when I'm in a very vulnerable place.
I just don't know how to deal with this. I know sex isn't the be all and end all, I have cancer which is a more important thing to overcome I know. But I guess I still wanted to feel desirable, sexy and wanted before my looks and body change over the course of my treatment. I'm worried that my boyfriend no longer finds me sexually attractive because I have cancer and we will end up as friends who live together.
Feeling sad.
Any advice would be most helpful and much appreciated.
Xx
It sort of feels like we have just become really good friends who love each other.
Hi and a very warm welcome to the online community
I'm sorry to hear that you were diagnosed with breast cancer and that your relationship with your boyfriend seems to have suffered as a result. Unfortunately cancer can have a negative affect on relationships and you might like to take a look at this information from Macmillan on cancer and relationships.
As the community is divided into different groups, could I suggest that you join the breast cancer group where you can ask questions, share experiences and get support from others who will understand what you're going through. There may also be some people there who have also had problems in their relationship and will be willing to tell you how they coped.
To join just click on the link and then choose 'join this group' on the page that opens. You can then introduce yourself and post questions after selecting 'start a discussion' and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
When you have a minute it would be really useful if could pop something about your journey so far into your profile as it helps others when answering or looking for someone with a similar diagnosis. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Edit Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
x
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
