Are friends and family ever enough?

FormerMember over 17 years ago

4596 replies
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Andrew, who began this thread, sadly died in September 2008, but his friends wished that his thread remain open in his memory, particularly to promote Andrew's idea of 'dancing away cancer' each Friday at 3pm. Please feel free to post your dance tunes every Friday in his memory.

Macmillan admin

Hello everyone,

this is my topic to start and its a question that has been burning around the back of my mind for the last few days.

I always thought that having a small group of very close friends was enough for anyone, ok you always have work colleagues and other acquaintances but the main group of my friends has remained within a steady little group of five people for nigh on the last twenty years. We have shared almost, if not all, of what life can show you over that period and nothing has every served to tear us very far apart for long.

There have always times when partners/other friends/own family have been more important to us and always been times when we are more important to each other and perhaps have taken some of this for granted and assumed that it will always be thus. I have reached the opinion that I have for certain.

Then you get cancer! Things change I suppose but I have cancer and all of a sudden things are important to me that weren't before and they have an impact on others which were not anticipated.

First I need to say that my friends have been great through this initial part of my illness and there is nothing to say that this position is going to change immediately - rather its me that seems to be changing and not them. I am having doubts about my ability to cope with what is happening to me and what may happen in the immediate future, I am doubting my friends willingness to hear what I have to say when they ask that questions each day "How are you?", I don't want to say "OK thanks" each time when I am not OK,

I want to say "it bloody hurts" and "I don't feel well at all" and "I think its really unfair that I have this disease and you don't" (that one really stings in your head and even if its not at all true, sometimes you can't help yourself thinking it even fleetingly).

Then after that I get guilty about having the disease and having those bad thoughts that seem to go along with it all. I keep thinking that I am asking too much of them now in terms of emotional and physical help and what if their well runs dry later when I need them even more than I do now and they have nothing left to give me. Then I think that that is a really selfish "me, me me" attitude to have and that gets me really down - can you be guilty about a guilty thought which in itself is only a selfish thought about feeling guilty - just how big a knot is that one to unravel.

Anyway before I drive all away completely with this "hymn to the depressed" that brings around the original thought I had;

- can you use up and wear out your friends and family with this thing before you need them most?

Thanks for reading (if you managed to get through the dirge without laughing too much) and any thoughts are appreciated.

Cheers

Andrew

moomy over 17 years ago

Morning, all! Andrew, type in, 'trombonist stars and stripes' in the box at the top, and have a look at the top video.....have just checked, and it's there.....

Moomy

FormerMember over 17 years ago

good morning to all , i crawled out of bed half an hour ago .............only cos the cats wanted feeding , otherwise i would have been quite happy to stay a while longer !!!!

im listening to a woman called tina arena , i bought her cds about 8/9 years ago (think she is an aussie ) .......she released a single in this country called 'chains '.if any of you remember her or get the chance , look her up and have a listen ................another one of her tracks i like is 'sorrento moon'........she did this in spanish and english .

suexxxxxx

FormerMember over 17 years ago

Hello All.
Just though I'd drop in some proper music and Lyrics ! (lol)
Lucky Man

Hope you all have a good weekend.
Liz, It's not fair. You get live music and alcohol flowing, we get maypole dancers and stupid people with bells on their feet, prancing around.
Hugs from christine.

FormerMember over 17 years ago

Hi All,

I went back to bed after the coffee and have only been up again since 11.00am so have missed most of the morning - but I did have a great sleep in and slept very well, pain almost gone and is now restricted to one place in my back - the diazepam is working very well and no zombie feelings either!!

Moomy,

left you a message abouthe band and Caz, still having trouble locating the one i am looking for - sorry.

TJ,

the coffee was fab, great idea - sod the neighbours and get the coffee - I will remember that next time, have a great day yourself.

Liz,

I enjoyed the chocolate and coffe and it sounds like you are really going to have a brilliant time today with the festival and all that, enjoy for me and then tell all later - I promise not to be too jealous - looking forward to all the details.

Sue, i have always really like that song "I'm in Chains" by Tina Arena, but still can't get over that daft name she has, she sounds like an extra from "Home and Away" or somehting and it always reminds of od "Muriels Wedding", a bit part actor with a silly name. With her voice she should be famous all over the world and I think that name stopped her (just my opinion but its a daft name thats all).

Richard and Chris - if you read this - this is for you - you are my friends!!!

Now I need to help plase ladies if you will all bear with me.

I have just had a long heart to heart with my two best friends (Richard and Chris) and found out a few things.

They have been suffering over my position and keeping their true feelings about how they are coping to themselves. Last night they came over to see me and as I haed been so unwell we just satyed in and had a takeaway.

Both of them then talked after they left me but before they left the old homestead and, at last, discussed how they were truly coping with my disease. Ane, surprise surprise, found that they were sufferring from their own pain, guilt and sorrow etc. They are driving themselves potty about it and its making them feel depressed and ill. So much that they feel bad about not wanting to talk to me because it makes them feel worse. Both of them are sufferring from stuff that would not bother them in the slightest were it not for my position.

I have explained that I need them to talk to me about these things and I need them to talk to each other about them. I need them to have normal lives and to go out and get drunk and have fun, then they can tell me about it afterwards and I can have a bit of vicarious pleasure from them - lol.

They can use my place as a crash pad to go out in Leeds and then come back here and, if I am fit enough, I can go out for an hour or so and then come home and they can carry on. I get to use the RR to drop them off and cruise about Leeds for a while before coming home - win-win situation for me.

I know both Chris and Richard have read some threads on this site and I know they both have looked at this one so can you tell them - this is all normal and that they are allowed to live their own lives as well and that i need to know they are doing that for my own peace of mind that I am not dragging their lives away from them and their own normaility. I need them to know from people who are looking after others that these feelings are normal and that they have a right to them. Most of all I need them to know that this makes me love them all the more that they would try and keep this from me to help me.

So can you do a bit of moral bolstering for me, in case they do read this, to help them feel that this is all normal and that they mustn't worry about it and that they can talk to me (and to you lovely people) whenever they want to and that no-one will feel anything bad about what they are going through.

Thanks very much from my heart for your help with this;

and;

Chris, Richard please don't be annoyed or mad with me for putting this up here, I wanted to make sure you get what you need to get through this as much as you two are giving me - thanks (or sorry - whichever).

Andrew
xx

FormerMember over 17 years ago

Dear Chris and Richard

Currently my diet consists solely of tinned peaches and tuna sandwiches, had to abandon beloved coffee as well, when I'm not at hospital being zapped or injected with chemo I'm under house arrest because of mad infections and almost permanently sitting on the toilet. This is not a request for sympathy but just a lead into the next but totally important stuff.

My friends are under strict instructions to provide with me as much as vicarious entertainment as possible - new relationships have been started, fantastic restaurants visited, new holiday destinations experienced, all in the name of entertaining me. My second vicarious life provides me with excellent distraction, fun and escapism. And whole topics of conversation other than this poxy disease.

And yes they talk behind my back when i get yet another infection, a new radiation burn or have to go to the hospital in the middle of the night because that's the way they look after each other and keep each other going. Nobody can either have this disease or care for someone with it, without support and help.

And there are times when they turn to me for help because they're frightened and we look after each other. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact it makes me feel like I'm still of some use and not just a pigging burden to them.

Hey, we all cope differently, these are just some of my thoughts, there's no wrong or right with this stuff anyway.

Best wishes, R

FormerMember over 17 years ago

Hi Christine,

how are you today, can't get onto the link for Lucky man the site or my laptop seems very slow today.

Anything special planned for today?

Andrew

moomy over 17 years ago

This is to Andrew's special friends, Chris and Richard........please read this, and just be there as you were before he had this s**t disease, he has not changed, and is still the man you know and have fun with, the disease has just altered him a little, his mood is sometimes down, he has pain and has treatment that makes him feel really awful, but he will still just love doing the things you always did together.....have patience if he's a bit moody at times, sleepy at times, needs to talk the hind legs off you at times, just be there.....(and make sure he can drive the RR from time to time!) ride the waves for him and with him, don't be afraid of talking and listening....my regards to you....

Moomy

FormerMember over 17 years ago

Moomy and Rosy,

thanks for your replies, I appreciate them very much.

Moomy,

I am still trying to see the You Tube video but now can't even get onto the site!!!!

I will try later and promise I won;t give up until I have seen it.

Cheers

Andrew
xx

moomy over 17 years ago

Andrew, have you tried the google' bones apart' link? Juls has just p/md me as she has seen it! so I know it works for pc's, too!

Moomy

FormerMember over 17 years ago

hi andrew ............firstly to your friends richard and chris , i can tell them personally that as i have a friend with terminal cancer , she appreciates being treated as 'normal' and hearing about mine and everyone elses day .........i also talk to her about how i feel too and encourage her to do the same .
its the normal stuff and being normal that keeps us all going ..........and for me its too late to tell a person you love how you feel when they are no longer there .

secondly ...........i love the verve and have also bought richard ashcroft solo albums he made when he left them ...........his ' song for the lovers' is a special one for me and paul .
'lucky man ' i have always loved as its upbeat and makes me feel like swaying and tapping my feet , and feel good .
suexxx

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