Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Mel please talk to Charles or Mick, they need you , we all need you.........xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
ringing your mobile...............
FormerMember
Kate I'm sorry babe but i really can't do this it just hurts so very much,Everyone on here are so much stronger than i am you all get on with it and all i do is sit on my own crying all day and wanting to be with daz!! Ive tried i really have but i really can't do this. I know daz is distressed without me like i am without him (don't ask how i know he is cos i just do) He needs me and i need him so very very much. I can't live like this forever. Living a life of turmoil just to keep other people happy and why is that fair for me???? I have many drugs here i can just take as well as the oramorph just to sleep and never wake up!!! I just don't want or can't be here!!!! If one more person says think of the kids i think i'm gonna smash them!!! Selfish nasty cruel, yes it is but why do i have to be here for 2 people who have carried on with their lives as if nothing has happened???? They moan at me when i cry and blame me for alot of things so why am i here for them when their not needing or even wanting to be here for me??? So what if i stay???? Well i will live a lifetime of aloneness and pain and i can't live like that for god knows how many more years. When i think how many people came to daz funeral and none of them are here for me now, i realise they were all his friends really and couldn't give a toss about me!!!!!!! How many of them people promised daz they would still be here for me after he had gone and they are all hypocrits really!! I have no friends family or reason to be here. I don't think anyone really understands me at all! I'm sorry to you for hearing all this i do love and respect you so much and thank you for trying. Love and hugs MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
