Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
hi kate sorry only just replying hun. lol i didnt know bout the multiple msgs was using my mobile. i still got the pain and swelling hun and they have now upped my mst again, also had a bit of good news yesterday as someone who came out to see me is going to see about getting me sum financil help which is a bonus. havent been about much as have been having probs wiv my central heating again (was wivout any from sunday til this morning) so we were having to stay woth friends. love n hugs me xoxoxox
I did have a 1 minute silence, even though i was somewhat zonked out......MHM, am still thinking of you and the family too.......love and hugs to all feathered friends......
wow what a service 500 people hun, we all held our minutes silence for your daz, still thinking about you all the time babe and kirsty and daley
sending more love, hugs and strength sweetie
love karen xxxxxxxxxxx
dear feathered friends
hope your all ok as can be
love n hugs karen xxxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
hello all my chickies roosters and friends, Got my laptop back at last it was the flippin main board again. Only had a new one installed in sept. Anyway i hope you're all okish and that you and your loved ones have had a goodish week so far?
We had Darryl's funeral on monday the 17th and over 500 people turned up! It was jam packed and loads couldn't fit in so had to stand outside and listen via loudspeaker. I was overwhelmed and so proud that so many people loved Daz and that he touched so many peoples hearts. The kids did so well and were fine untill the song freebird by Lynard Skynard played then they all broke down bless them. Kirsty started to do a reading for her dad but got halfway through it and couldn't continue so i finished it for her. Daley couldn't read his at all he was so upset so i read his for him and then read my own. Don't ask how i did 2 and a half readings cos i have no idea at all, and everyone was saying how brave and strong i was to do that but i knew it was the last thing i could do for Daz so my determination took over and i'm so very glad it did now. I know i shouldn't be praising myself up as that's not me at all but god was i proud of myself that day for doing them. It was a very long day and i was emotionally drained by the evening so were Daley and Kirsty but we had a really nice service and a lovely wake after hearing everyones stories of their memories of daz so quite a few laughs too.
Now it's back to reality and i feel so alone and still can't believe daz won't be coming home. I keep thinking he's still in hospital and the kids said that too. We think the hospital are going to ring us to say i can bring him home. I know that's not gonna happen in reality but it's what's keeping me going at the moment.
Every day i talk to daz and tell him things. Every night i take his photo to bed with me and chat to him until i fall asleep. I wake every morn and see his photo and say good morning and that i love him so much. Yes i think i am actually going crazy!! lol
Well just wanted to let you all know i was back and to thank you all for your messages and kind thoughts. You all take care my little chickies i love you all so very much Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
hi my dear mel
i know we been texting but wanted to come and message you here too, so glad you got your lappy back as you need to be able to come and share your thoughts here when you want to.
i just wanted to say how proud i am of you to do your readings for your daz, what an amazing person you are, and daz would be so very proud of you.
i cant pretend to know how your feeling hun, i know the hurt of losing my mum and dad but not of losing your partner, but always remember i am here or at the end of the phone for you no matter what time of the day or night
thinking of you always and sending much love, hugs and strength to you my dear friend
love ya sweetie, karen xxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
hey my beautiful chickie Karen Thank you babe for everything you have done for me i will never forget you. You have always been here for me and for that i am eternally grateful, so please don't ever feel bad. You have always done your best for me and i can't thank you enough. I hurt so much right now only being with Daz will ever take my pain away, but don't you ever feel guilty babe you stand proud knowing you did your very best always. I am alone now with my thoughts and facing a lifetime of loniliness and thats not for me at all. I can't function without Daz never could and never will. He was my whole world. The kids have proved that they can do this without me and that they are happy to get on with their lives not needing me at all, so i have no reason to stay. I love you so much and hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do, You are a beautiful person and deserve the best of everything. How i wish i could give that all to you sweet. This has been so hard to write and no way do i want you or anyone else to have any guilt or regrets cos you have all been wonderful. This is a decision i have made for myself that is the best for me, my life is nothing without Daz and i can't do anything without him. He was worried before he passed that the kids and firends wouldn't be here for me after and i know he would want me to be with him now as i know how distressed he is. You take care and look after yourself. Love you so very much Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
my dear mel
you are one of the most beautiful people i have pleasure in knowing, i know you are hurting so very very much and my heart really breaks for you darling. i so wish i could make everything right for you, sadly we know i cant, am hoping to be able to come and visit you very soon if thats ok with you sweetie. thank you for that beautiful message babe, please remember i love ya loads, your friend always karen xxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
My Dear Chickie Karen, Thank you sweetie for everything you have done for me you really are one in a trillion! I sit here each day alone and think maybe tomorrow will be better i won't decide anything today i will wait till tomorrow. Well each day is no better, each day is no different. They are all the same just filled with so much pain and grief and hurt so much hurt. I say i won't do anything silly but really that is all i think about. I told people i won't do anything cos it's not fair on the kids but the way they have left me they don't need me, not really. So i have nothing to keep me here but i know daz needs me somehow i know he does. I can't ignore him calling me. We were meant to be together this was never meant to happen like this. He wasn't meant to go and leave me i know that and i know he does too. Noone will understand why i make the decisions i have and lots of people will probably hate me and be dissapointed in what i have done, but i hope one day they will understand why i did this even if they never ever forgive me. Who knows maybe if things had been different maybe it would all not be as bad, but i can't change what has happened but i can decide my future. I'm sorry if i have hurt you in any way thats not what i mean to do but i hope you wil understand one day why i'm doing this. You take care my sweet Love and hugs your MHM xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
FormerMember
Dear MHM,
we've never spoken, I'm fairly new to Share, but I have read many of your posts, & my heart goes out to you. I cannot begin to understand the hell you have been through and continue to suffer, but I do recognise how much true love and care there is for you, both here in this "virtualworld" and in real life with your wonderful children and friends.
I am so sorry for your loss of Daz and can't offer any words that will end your pain. But please just know that you have helped many many people here, and continue to do so by being so honest about your feelings now. Please remember how many people truly love and care about you, and are here, both on Share and in real life, to hold onto you and support you now.
