My mum has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer and was told a few weeks ago she had a couple of months left.
she lives alone and I stay around 1,5 hours away and have a young child.
I work and run a business.
mum is all alone.
I can only see her around 2-3 times a week.
it’s just me, we lost my sister a year ago and mum doesn’t want help from anyone else.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so sad she just sits on her own all day and she is so tired. I can see her feeling sad but don’t know what to do.
the guilt is incredible and I’m not sure what to do.
should I leave work and spend more time with her?
I feel it is the right thing to do but worried about the consequences after she passes.
I feel so much pressure to make decisions as mum won’t do it.
I’m just really overwhelmed.
Hi Jade
I am really sorry to hear that your Mum has had a diagnosis of bowel cancer.
It can be really difficult to know what to do in such circumstances. Have you talked to Mum about what she wants? Although you may feel torn and worry that she is lonely- she may perhaps have other things that she is thinking about. Is this something that you could talk through with one of her nurses/doctors?
I know for me that although I did like to have contact with others whilst I was unwell, I did also need time to myself and also time to rest. With my own Mum we did see her regularly and it was easier in a way as there were more family members however we did all carry on with our work and family lives. I know that she would not have wanted us to not do those things and also when we did see her, it did make it feel more manageable as to be there every day would have felt overwhelming. She also liked to hear our news and what we had all been up to. As it became clear that she would not be around for much longer we did spend more time with her. When her condition declined, she went into hospital and went more quickly than expected.
I can understand that it is a concern that Mum is alone. Has she neighbours or friends that can pop in and check on her on days when you are working/doing family things? Is she having any sort of care at home? Just thinking that if she does have any carers coming in and out, then that can break up the day a bit.
I can understand that you feel pressured to make the decisions and that Mum does not feel able to. It can be really hard to know what to do. Rather than leave work- unless that is what you want to do- I wonder if a half way option would be to try to organise your work to enable you to spend a little more time with her. Or say that you work every morning- could you rearrange to work a couple of full days instead. Only suggestions. Have you a partner or a friend or someone who could help look after your business while you spend a bit of time with Mum?
Having a young child also to care for can also make things harder to arrange. To be able to see her 2/3 times a week whilst working and looking after your child is already doing a lot. Another option would be to see if Mum would want to come and stay at yours for a couple of days a week perhaps? Its hard to know what to suggest but these are all the ideas we went through when we were in similar circumstances.
I think that it is natural to want to spend as much time with Mum as you can. It also has to be a personal decision. Why not give the Support Line a call and talk things through.
I hope this helps a bit. I remember how exhausting it all felt. It is important that you also have support. Please do ask if there is anything you need.
Jane
