Anticipatory grief - can anyone relate?

Hi, I experience this from time to time caring for my husband who has cancer. His immunotherapy treatment is keeping the size of the secondary tumours in his lungs stable, but he has multiple health issues now & it gets a bit overwhelming sometimes. I find the uncertainty really difficult and have days when I feel very sad and lacking in motivation. Which isn’t very useful as I have to do everything! I have a few friends I can sound off to, but the most helpful thing is my monthly session with a psychologist. I try to be kind to myself too, which means lots of cups of tea! I haven’t got any real answers, just to let you know that the way you feel is shared! 

Thank you, Miranda. I am sending you and your husband so much love. It's so tricky to navigate. I've been referred for counselling which I know will be a great help. I've just never been faced with this feeling before, so thank you for sharing your experience and advice too x

Hi I think I am going through the same thing. My grandads cancer has spread, he's had it a number of years now and it hadn't changed until recently. I feel like im grieving for him even though he's still here, I keep myself distracted and never leave myself alone with my thoughts. This is the problem I think because it hits me randomly like today when he emailed and I just burst into tears. I am not sure what the way forward is, but I do know I have to allow myself to think about it. Even if it makes me sad for a while because that's how it processes, its unavoidable. Sorry im realising I'm not much help, but I suppose we are all in this together not that it makes it easier. 

I totally understand. The random bursts of if tears then a sense of normality not long after is tiring, isn't it? It's just so hard to comprehend our loved one not being here but feel so overwhelmed with the thought of it it manifests quickly.

I'm engaging in therapy soon and I came across this wonderful article that might help you, too. 

https://share.google/SrdZlqq2XWs48bdRn

I'm really hopeful therapy will help me. Have you considered this for yourself? 

That’s a good article, really sums it up. Especially this bit, for me at least: “caregivers often experience anticipatory grief alongside exhaustion and burnout. They may grieve their own lost freedom or sense of self while continuing to provide care.” Thanks for sharing it.

You're welcome. I'll maybe share my thoughts on therapy specifically for this too. If it can be helpful I will x

Hi there,

I just wanted to weigh in because I don't think it's talked about enough. Anticipatory grief is something I would not wish on my worst enemy, it is a crushing feeling. I'm in my early 20s and my mum is dying of brain cancer, although I have somewhat accepted my mum is going to die somedays my little cloud of anticipatory grief follows me around everywhere. It can even tarnish days that are meant to be really happy which is so frustrating. It's such a hard feeling to describe to those who haven't been through it.

The same goes for lots of things like this, you'll have good days and bad days. I've learnt to let myself feel those feelings as that's unfortunately part of the grief process. Lean on your support system and ask for help when you need it, sometimes sounding off to 'neutral' people who aren't directly emotionally invested is helpful. 

I wish there was some more helpful advice I could give but you do kind of find your own way with it all. It definitely comes in waves and at the end of the day it all comes from a place of love and that you care deeply. 

Sending you strength at this time xx

Hi Sarah

I just wanted to jump in on this, sadly I have no words of wisdom as I am deep in anticipatory grief at the moment but I wanted to say you're not alone.

I went through this with my mums cancer diagnosis 4 years ago and I'm back with my best friends diagnosis now. With mum, the anticipatory grief was as bad as the actual grief once she passed (in some ways it actually felt worse) so being back here is horrible.

I'm investigating therapy too as everything feels very hopeless at the moment. I wish I had some better words for you.  

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I get the little ups when we have a lovely afternoon, but the downs are just crippling. 

We still have no idea what my sister's treatment plan looks like, we'll find out next week. I hope that'll give some clarity/understand what she's facing a little better. 

I do fear it won't help me all too much, as I simply cannot face or think about life without her

Lots of love to you xx

I wish I had some for you, too. It really is just a deep, sinking feeling that grabs hold of you. 

I have a first therapy session this week. I really hope it helps give me some coping methods or ways to help ward off the awful fear I'm feeling. 

I'm so sorry you're facing this feeling a second time, and I'm so sorry to hear of your mams passing. 

I'm pleased, in a way, people do understand as I've never ever been dealt with anything like this before and it feels very isolating. 

Lots of love to you and your family, and your best friend too. X