Feeling lost and selfish

Hi and welcome to our Online Community, although I'm sorry to hear about your mum.You would be amazed at how many people feel they are being selfish and we just don't know how our loved one will react when we try to talk about their cancer. It's perfectly normal to not know what to say or how to say it, but if you have a look at the what to say link it might give you some ideas.  Emotions  run high  and it's early days; things will settle a bit once you've had a chance to get past the 'elephant in the room'. You'll learn to recognise the signals of 'it's ok to talk', or 'I really don't want to talk today' but it's also important to recognise that you still have your everyday life and worries. Talk to us in here, we're here for you and it might help to realise that you're not being selfish but like the rest of us, you're normal. 

Love and hugs,

Hi LoobyLou49,

Thanks so much for replying. Just knowing that there's this online community has really helped. We had a talk about emotions last night which really helped but I know it's going to be a long difficult year, especially with the lockdown in place.

I'm talking to friends lots to diffuse the pressure in the house, but every time they get sympathetic or tell me how sorry they feel for me I just get angry or sad. I understand they are trying to be supportive, and I appreciate it but sometimes I just don't want to talk about cancer. Have you got any suggestions for polite ways to ask friends to change the subject? Some of mine are fantastic and know exactly what distracting and mundane topics I need and when, but others seem stuck in a loop of "this is awful for you, you must feel awful, I can't imagine how awful this is".

So many hugs back,

Esther

Hi , Oh yes, the friends who just don't get it! I had the opposite, my friends felt sorry for my husband and told me to have a positive mental attitude which annoyed the hell out of me. In the end I found talking about miscellaneous things solved it; the weather, my current craft project, how the dog was behaving or what was going on in their lives instead of mine. I hope you have some success.

Love and hugs,

Hi LoobyLou49,

I found this open letter really helpful

 https://m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/naomibarrow/terminal-cancer_b_8079376.html?_guc_consent_skip=1589318872

Just working out how to say all this to my friends. I might just send them this link, it covers things pretty well.

I had a pretry big talk with my mum last night which helped. Seem that's some of her friends also sticking to the 'be positive' schtick. I'll pass on what you said about keeping conversation light with those people 

Hugs,

Esther

Hi Esther, Thank you for posting the link, it's brilliant. I've bookmarked it for future use. 

Hugs to you and your mum,

Hi Looby,

Been a while. My mum's finished her first round of treatment (completed the radio but had to halt chemo as her platelet count was dropping, although no need for a transfusion right now).

I was wondering if you had any tips on keeping her positive. Mum's always been a bit of a pessimist and stoicism is the last word I'd use to describe her. The past few weeks she's become incredibly down, only looking at her negative results and constantly expecting the worst possible outcomes.

I'm trying to be understanding and supportive, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult when she's so ready to expect the worst.

Hugs,

Esther

Hi , Oh I know that one. My husband gets into the whole 'that's it then, I might as well give up' as soon as he sees his latest test results. I tend to be quite firm with him as it works, the 'come on let's do....' tactic often helps, or pointing out how well his treatment is keeping him (which isn't always the case so I have a few distraction tactics to hand). Being 'understanding and supportive' makes him worse. You also have your own mental health to think of and it can be a bit depressing listening to your loved one's dire expectations all the time. On the practical side, I make him the meals that cheer him up and the little things like a favourite chocolate, keeping wipes to hand for when he feels unwell so he can wipe his face and neck. But I have found that if I do too much it doesn't help so I encourage him to do things (he's currently making a shoe rack). On the days when nothing works it's best to go with the flow. I find having a DVD day now and then keeps me cheerful. I hope something here helps, good luck.

Love and hugs,

Hi! 

I'm new here, just got in, and this discussion popped up right in front of my eyes and it seemed like a good starting point. Sorry to get into the conversation you alrealdy started, I hope it's not a problem! I was just reading through and I could easily feel the same things you described. If it's ok to ask, how are you doing now? 

Hi and welcome  to Carers. Your reply popped up on my email and I wasn't sure whether you mean it for me or for . I've tagged her so it should pop up in her email too. Lockdown has provided plenty of time for rest so things are good here. How are you?

Hi! 

Thank you for the tagging thing, I think you guessed I still have to figure out some things haha. I'm glad you're fine, good news are always welcome. I'm living a bit of a messy situation (who is not in here), kind of struggling to find my balance between my needs and feelings and my mother's (she is the one with cancer). I don't want to be selfish, but I'm so exhausted after six months of diagnosis, surgery, chemos...and now that she's done with treatment (fingers crossed the exams say she's done) it still feels like I will never end. 

Sorry for the rant, I hope it didn't bother you!