Feeling lost and selfish

Hi , No, rants don't bother me at all. We need to rant; it's an important part of caring. You're not selfish; you're normal. I get the exhaustion. When my husband's in treatment i spend my whole time clearing up after him, running back and forth with hot drinks and driving him to and from hospital. That's why it's so important to do things for ourselves. I drink in views and have music on my iPhone for when I'm hanging around and need a break. After three years you get a routine going.

Hugs,

Hi LoobyLou49, thank you for your kind words. I'm going to try and remind myself of what you just wrote when I'm not feeling at my best. I hope it will get better with time. 

Sending hugs as well! 

Sorry, was without internet for a wee while. I'm doing a lot better than I was. I think it's partly because the diagnosis and treatment plan has settled in my mind, partly because the first round of treatment is over now and my mum is mostly back to her normal lively pre-cancer self and party because I go to therapy every week.

I've got better at talking to my mum and the rest of my family about how we're all coping and doing in general. Since lockdown has relaxed my mum is no longer shielding so I'm back living in my flat rather than at home and the space is definitely helping. I see my mum twice a week at most rather than all day everyday!

She's about to start round 2 of treatment so I'm gearing up for the moodswings, tantrums, constant inconsolable crying, nausea and fatigue again. But this time round I know what to expect so I'm more prepared.

The only tips I can really give to stop feeling selfish is to create space and time for yourself. I make a real point of talking to my parents before I visit to get a feel for how my mum's mood is to prep before the visit. I also make a point of telling her how I'm doing (even if she doesn't ask). Sometimes I outright tell her "i'm being strict daughter today, if you mope around I'll just go home, I want to come over to spend nice time together". At first she really hated me for that but now it seems to be helping. The other thing I can really recommend is doing one thing a week that is completely for your and won't link back to cancer. I've started running with a friend followed by tea and cake. It's a solid two hour block where my whole brain and body is consumed by something other than thinking and worrying about my mum.

Hope things settle a bit for you and you get some respite soon, hugs

E.

Hi Esther, 

don't worry and thank you for your answer. I'm glad to hear that you (and your mum) are doing better, you deserve some peace without any doubt. 

Your advice comes at the right time and it's going to be really helpful, I will definetly try to take some cancer-free time for myself and see if that helps. 

One thing I also want to try is to be more open about the way I feel. You now it better than I do as you just wrote it: moodswings, tantrums, constant inconsolable crying...I couldn't describe it better. Of course I feel sorry for my mum and I now it's not her fault, but her behaviour really makes me go nuts sometimes. It feel as if she didn't realize all the efforts I'm putting into making everything work - her cancer, the housework, going to uni, ... - and thought I don't have feelings, as if I wasn't suffering too. So yes, I don't know if I will be able to do so, but I would really like to have an honest conversation with her and be "the strict daughter" for once. 

Anyways, my mum just finished chemo and the result of the final exams are coming soon, so I hope that we can soon put all this behind. I'm a little scared because she seems as anxious and incosalable as she was during chemos. I know we will work it out eventually and that I can't expect her (nor me) to act as if nothing happened, but, you know, I just want it to be over. I hope time will heal with all my heart.

Thank you again, I wish you all the best. Stay strong for the next round of treatment: you did it once, you can do it again. 

Sending hugs!

Joy