TV Documentary - We Need To Talk About Death

FormerMember
FormerMember
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I do hope this post won't upset anyone.

Two nights ago, I saw a documentary on TV called 'We Need to Talk About Death (Dr Kevin Fong) and whilst I have tended to shun this type of programme in the past, I was alone so I watched it - and I am so glad I did. My partner has also watched it now. 

I think they could have called it 'We need to talk about LIFE' because that is how my partner and I see things now - we both want that quality of life that has been lacking due to the aggressive treatment regime that can never be lifesaving. For as long as is possible, we want to be enjoying life, visiting our favourite tea / coffee shops, the chippy on the other side of town - well worth a short trip, trawling around antique fairs (a new interest and no idea where that came from. Ah hold on, maybe all the Antiques Road trip shows we've watched together ( I do like that Phillip chap by the way) listening to music, watching movies and TV, drives to the coast, late night radio, armchair travel and sideline gardening - I do as my partner instructs. Joyful!  

It's not as easy as I am maybe implying but we do try to remain positive. We are both aware that death could well have come suddenly in a car crash perhaps, or a fatal heart attack and then we wouldn't have had the opportunity to say the things we wanted to say to one another and to all our friends and loved ones, no time to do the things we wanted to do and enjoy being together and we wouldn't have had the time (this awful, painful but wonderful time) to prepare for what is to come.

I urge everyone to consider watching the documentary - perhaps the carer first, then with your loved one if you think that is appropriate and it may not be for some. It is a fresh look at how we treat cancer in this country. There is a growing appreciation that we can, if it is what the patient wants of course, care for people with a view to providing quality of life which can lead to quantity of life and not subjecting people to 'death by a thousand cuts' as one doctor describes the treatment regime. It gave my partner food for thought. It is not my decision to make, but as always, whatever the decision is, I will be there to offer support, encouragement and hand holding throughout the time ahead. Meanwhile, life is still good and we laugh a lot and enjoy each other's company, even the dreadful Brexit debates that seem to dominate the news channels. I hope that whatever your situation, life may be so for you and your loved one. 

I would be interested to know what you think if you do watch the programme. 

Stay strong, stay hopeful and above all stay well. 

JBJ48 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Thank you for posting, will give this a watch! 

  • JBJ4, what a wonderful post and it sounds like a fantastic documentary. Where was it on and how could I watch it? I am sorry but I am not in the UK but in Ireland so I am not sure how I could get it because I am not familiar with the BBC stations or the player if there is one. 

    Love, Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to MelanieL

    Hi Mel

    Thank you for replying to the post. The documentary was part of the BBC2 Horizon series. I found this article on the Irish Times website about an app for your phone or tablet which may be of some help: 

    https://www.irishtimes.com/business/technology/app-allows-irish-viewers-to-watch-bbc-iplayer-1.611081

    Failing that, if you can't access BBC's player then I'm afraid I don't know. I'm not really much of a techy but someone else in the group may know?? You could try asking; it might be worth a shot. 

    I do hope you are able to access it and please let me know what you thought of it.

    My family think we're a bit odd for even watching it but it's all about what works for the 'patient'? Time is too short to worry about what others think. I don't mean to sound callous but it's not their life? 

    All the best, 

    JBJ4

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JBJ48 I also watched it and posted about it the same night it was on TV. I've openly spoken about dying. Ok I'm only 33 but we never know when out time will come. I'd never had to deal with death until last year when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in February. We spoke openly about it and even laughed about it walking down the corridor of the hospital. I remember saying to him "u don't mess about do u, when u getI get ill u make sure it's good and propa" we both laughed and said yeah! Humour when u have been told I have less than a year to live, some would say where daft or heartless but it was our way. It hit us both hard to face up to the fact but it what was ment for us at the time. I was very close to my dad and I new it wouldn't be long before I had to say goodbye and just under 4 months later he was gone. He spent the last 5 weeks of his life in a hospice. Being there and seeing death first hand and how dignified they are about dying helped out so much. An advanced care plan was in place but we had already started to plan his funeral ect before that. We had everything sorted out before he passed away because we openly spoke about it. My friend who lost her mum the year before spoke openly with me about it to and how things would happen with my dad a d what to look out for which helped so much.

    Most people just say no I don't want to talk about it but why not? We will all die at some point, no one lives forever so why do we not talk about it and prepare out kids for when we die!? Pay for our own funerals so out loved ones don't have to worry about that. We should all talk more about it and like u have said it helps to live a much better life while u can.

    I think the way everything happened with my dad helped me to face up to him dying. Speaking openly to the doctors about his illness and how long he had left. We became close to a guy in the hospice and he openly told me about his diagnosis and how long he went from being ok to him being as bad as he where and that mentally prepared me for my dad getting that way, thankfully my dad looking normal when he died.

    I think everyone should watch that program .it helps so much to look at it from a different view point. I always will say now that when u go into a hospital they treat u to get better. When u go into a hospice they treat u to die but also to live the best while your alive. Many won't understand that but it's so true.

    My 4 year old knows alot about it all now, to young some will say but when she was with my 24/7 throughout it all there was no choice. I will bring her up to be open about it tho and when she has kids to teach them about it to.

    Xx

  • Agree with you whole heartedly.  My uncle died when I as 11 and the dying part was kept secret from me.  All I knew was that he was ill but I was expecting him to get better.  I just thought he had the flu or something that was keeping him in bed.

    It took me years to get over it.  I still get upset about it and I'm 68 now.

    Death and the way it is treated can do a lot of damage to a young mind. It has to be explained. 

    Not so easy though when the person dying is young

    xxx

  • Hi JBJ48 and all.

    JBJ4, thank you for that link. I will have a look at it tomorrow and watch the documentary hopefully tomorrow evening and then post my thoughts here. I don't want to watch it this evening as I know it will upset me and I can't let anything upset me tonight as I have a long day in work ahead of me tomorrow. 

    The reason why I say that it will upset me is because I wish that my husband and I had spoken more openly about his death. Looking back I think we didn't speak about it more because he wanted to protect me - even when he knew that he was going to die - and I didn't want to speak about it as if by not speaking about it it wasn't true. I remember one day a couple of months before he died and we were sitting here and made a list of what he wanted, but half way through we stopped because we were both no longer able to bear it. I burst out crying and he burst out crying and we said we would continue with this another day but never did. Another night my husband burst out crying when we were sitting on the couch saying, "I don't want to leave you so early! I don't want to have to leave you!" and we both had some long moments of crying in each other's arms. But we never really had a conversation where we were both sitting there saying, "Okay, we know this is going to happen soon. Now what do we need to talk about? What do each of us want when it happens?"

    And I really regret that. I know this thing about we all did the best we could at any given moment. But now looking back I wish we had been able to sit down and openly talk about everything, and maybe even say to one another, "I am so scared!"

    What makes me particularly sad is that, once we were in hospital and the doctors had given me confirmation that Paul was dying and that there was nothing more they could do, I was actually able to say to him that it was okay if he needed to let go now and I was able to be there with him and even hold him as he was dying. And I generally would say and would always have said that I am not afraid of death. But when it was my own husband and when all I was used to do was fight for his survival, it was not possible for me to do as I would have expected of myself.

    Paul was the kind of person who, when strong and particularly sad emotions hit him, would close down in order to protect himself from the pain. And this is exactly what he seemed to have done during the last weeks of his life as well. There were no tears, there was no anger, just quiet acceptance of what was happening. I wish for him too that he had been able to cry on my shoulder about it all.

    But then it was perhaps all good as it was.

    I want to watch this documentary. And I really encourage everyone: Don't be afraid of the talk about death. Death is a part of life. And we need to talk about it. We don't want to because it is unknown territory and the pain makes us afraid. But by not talking about it we dismiss a very important part of our life and our togetherness I think.

    Love to all,

    Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • Hi, I watched this yesterday after reading your posts regarding the link. I found it very interesting, definitely give me a lot to think about. Thanks x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to FormerMember

    There is also a very useful and interesting website : theconversationproject.org, which suggest various approaches to talking about and preparing for death, either your own or someone else's.

    I really reccomend this, it does help with finding a way to broach the topics which we all really need to address in the face of life changing and life ending conditions.

    I send love to everyone who is visiting this site today.

    xxxNiobe

  • Hi JBJ48.

    I thank you so much again for posting here about this documentary which I am sure was good to watch.

    Unfortunately, I haven't been able to watch it. I signed up to BBC Horizon because that seemed to be the only way to be able to watch it but I then discovered that this content could not be watched from the Republic of Ireland. This is really disappointing as I would have loved to watch this and share it with a couple of people.

    Love, Mel.

    I don't like the term "moving on" because it sounds to me like we are leaving our loved ones and the life we had with them behind. I like the term "moving forward" as it implies that, while life goes on, our loved ones are still with us in our hearts and minds. 

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember in reply to MelanieL

    Hi Mel 

    Don't know if this will work but you could Try this and see if you can download it.

    Ian

    You need to click on the green text above to open up the new page 

    It should come up with a down load page