I dont know if I'm strong enough for this

I’ve just been reading all of your replies to find strength and sanity. Husband has to have surgery again for brain cancer and meeting neuro team Thursday. We always knew GBM4 would rear its head again and have been blessed to have 17 months since last surgery. Life had become settled and now I just feel awful and guilty for feeling so awful. We feel better prepared in lots of respects but it has opened up so many wounds. Husband has a lot of inner strength/ found faith and I feel so guilty that I do not have this at the moment. My tension headaches are off the scale and I have no reprieve other than going out on a daily basis to do practical tasks which I feel I can justify without feeling as much guilt. I don’t like to burden others and don’t want to seem selfish for trying to look after myself. I was going to Maggies the first time around when we were at the hospital all the time but now I would be making a special trip. When he goes for surgery again which will be soon I will see them again and go from there. Also very menopausal so added issues! Thankyou for listening to my ramble and  thinking of all of you going through the same xx

Ohh gosh I so sympathise with you because I´m going through the same as you right now. My husband has stage 4 oesophagus cancer and has been going through 6 cycles of cisplatin chemo treatment and was now supposed only to have immuno therapy going forward. Shortly before Christmas this year I had to admit him to hospital because his health started to really deteriorate. He didn´t eat or drink at all (because he couldn´t did feel any sort of appetite at all) Within a month he lost 2 stones on top of all the weight he had already lost. 

They put him on fluid drips straight away. He´s still up in hospital and I´m PANICKING when I think about him coming back home cause I have absolutely no idea how I´m going to cope at all!

I know it´s no consolation to you. I just want you to know that you´re not alone feeling the way you do and I send you lots of hugs and strength xx

Reading this thread has literally saved me this morning. Thank you for all your honest postings about how you feel. knowing that others feel the same is so helpful.

My husband has advanced myeloma and no immunity. I wake every morning to the thought that he might have died next to me. He has had so many infections and hospital stays, i haven't been able to go out since Covid started as he can't fight infection, so I now have to work from home. Unfortunately my work also is with cancer patients so I spend my days doing zoom consultations and my nights looking after my husband. I feel guilty that when he is admitted to hosp i feel relieved, but it's because i know someone is looking after him. I feel guilty for resenting the loss of our life together and the loss of my work opportunities, as i can;t go to conferences, social events or anything that exposes me to collecting and bring home an infection. 

I am so desperate and today I had a complete meltdown as it is all too much sometimes. fortunately we live quite remotely and i can take the dogs for a walk in the woods for a quiet cry. Sometimes i feel like screaming and end up shouting at the dogs and then feel terrible as  it's not their fault and they don't understand. We have no children and nearest family are 70 miles away, so i feel so alone.

Oh Topcat…never feel guilty. My husband was back in hospital Saturday….the relief when the ambulance pulled up, knowing he was going in !

yes, it gets to all of us. I feel that the only time I get away now is when I take the rubbish to the dustbin !! 
jude x

Well we are still fighting and I still dont know if I'm strong enough but still here and surviving! It has been a rough couple of weeks. Terry finally got a full diagnosis of primary submandibular cancer with secondaries in his neck, liver and spine that has caused spinal compression. He has shrunk from 6' to 5'7" so that has really impacted how he feels about himself. Went to The Christie this morning and his last scan showed that it has spread to the meninges ( brain lining) and the bones at the base of his skull. He also has lymphedema which is making walking really difficult. His liver enzymes are raised and he has anaemia. I'm trying to stay strong and positive for him but this feels like it's the beginning of the end. So my question is how do you all cope? I'm so full of admiration for all the other carers I meet who dont seem to have my insecurities.  Sending hugs to you all x

Hi Hlta, I know what you mean. I feel the same some times, everyone around me says I’ve to be strong for him, my husband who has a rare cancer..but sometimes I don’t know how. I’ve to manage my emotions as well as his. I’ve to be caring but also let him do his thing. The balance is really hard to find, and I find myself stressed abouT the smallest things, presumably because of this underlying stress. The only thing I can tell you is to lean on your circle - colleagues, friends, family - this is not a journey you do alone . Also here to talk anytime 

Please know this forum is here for you 

My husband needs to sleep separately too, as he says the couch is better and it’s a larger living room……and I have to respect that, allow him to sleep…but every time I go to bed, I worry about, is this my future? A cold and empty bed… 

Hi all, well I lie in bed reading all this over and over again, as I said in my recent posts. What a nightmare to be a career for someone you love dearly. All these feelings of desperation, guilt, worry…they are all real. 
But as I lie here thinking about all this, I cry……….my darling John passed away on the 8th March. 
my god, what a rollercoaster of emotions it has been. We had his funeral only last Friday. And I am completely broken. My prayers and thoughts go out to all of you. Stay strong……

My husband also sleeps alone. Every time I move he is in so much pain that its unbearable.. I cant even give him a hug because it hurts him so much. I would give anything just to hold him. My future like yours feels like a cold empty bed x