I dont know if I'm strong enough for this

Hi. What an uplifting thread. I woke up this morning feeling very down. My husband has secondary oesophagus cancer and is very frightened. I’m at a loss on how to help him mentally and feel extremely sad for him. I feel my own personality is disappearing. 
When I’ve read all your comments it’s given me a much needed lift. Trying to stay positive for hubby. 

Hi Helen, my husband too has secondary Oesophagul cancer. I’m lying in bed now wondering what day I’m going to have. As awful as it sounds, it makes me feel better knowing others out there are feeli the same feelings as I am. Trying to stay positive is the hardest of this battle. I literally go from sadness to frustration, to anger, to self pity…..then go to bed, wake up the next morning and istarts all over again. F*** cancer, it has taken everything away from me and my family. But most of all it has taken my husband away. I miss the man he was

Hi Jude

It would seemmost people feel the same. My wife has untreatable lung cancer. On palliative care only. I am her sole carer. I had to give up work, which was virtually my only escape. Became to awkward as she sometimes hallucinates after taking medication or due to exhaustion. I find myself going through a range of emotions every day. I sometimes feel very guity about the anger that surfaces. She can be very argumentative and sarcastic towards me. I kind of know that it is not her but the constant running up my own butt is driving me insane. Nothing I do is right and she keeps doing stupid things. Bed is my only escape now, but when she has a bad night so do I. Had 3 hours sleep the other night. It is taking its toll. Cancer is a twat.

Keep your head up and try and get moments pf peace

xxx

Hi Jude. Definitely echoes how I am feeling. Different emotions hitting me all the time. 
That’s exactly how I felt when I read all the other messages. It helped me to get up and face the day. 
One of the hardest things I find is when I have to watch him wasting away as he struggles so much to eat. Breaks my heart. 
X

Hey KG…I’m having the same off John, he shouts at me constantly which reduces me to tears. Bed is my sanctuary too. Altho I don’t sleep either

A real relief to read so many others feeling/living the same frustrations. My husband has been in hospital these past two days and I feel almost ashamed to say that I have ‘enjoyed’ having two nights of unbroken sleep, and two evenings to myself. I am also almost ashamed to say that I am resentful that he will be coming home tomorrow and that there will be no further respite for the foreseeable.

Don’t feel ashamed, I too felt the same. My husband was in hospital recently for 2 weeks. I even resented visiting him ! The thought of coming home from work and not having him there was wonderful…I slept also at night. But he’s been home nearly a fortnight now, and things are s***. Like I’ve said in recent posts, I spend most of my days crying, and today wasn’t any different. As sad as it all is, reading all these posts makes me feel better somehow…knowing I’m not the only one that is going insane. 
I send hugs to all of you 

I can see exactly what you mean. The constant worry when you are looking after your partner is basically soul destroying. Lack of sleep plus being responsible for everything really gets to you. My wife hasn't had to go into any form of respite yet. I look forward to going to bed and disappearing to the shop for half an hour. I used to be very active with a decent social circle. All gone now. I am stuck in the house most of the time. 

So, a couple of evenings free and decent nights sleep are just a small bonus. Take what you can when you can. 

That is just how I feel……as if my life is over too. It’s awful we feel this way, but it’s so normal for us all. I’m off to the doctors in the morning for another sick note. I shall be out of the house for approximately  30 minutes woop woop…what joy !!

It’s really important to relish any free time you have to rest and recharge.  This disease will take everything you have, so give yourself a break Deborah.  It’s okay for you to have needs too.