I dont know if I'm strong enough for this

Unfortunately I know that my wife will try and look after them as if they were still babies.i just can't let her do that. My only option is to do it myself. It's a very difficult situation

I can feel exactly what you are saying.

I always thought that I could manage looking after my wife during her illness, difficult though that could be at times. And, together with her, we did manage it. But what has always terrified me was the void which would open up thereafter - and which I am now faced with.

Bless you. Trying to be all things to all people is so hard. She will obviously want to enjoy a good Christmas if she can. Just ensure you take time for yourself too. 

Wow I feel you’ve just described me right now, I know I need to make the most of our time, in fact my husband said to me the other day you seem to be grieving me already 

This thread is reflecting exactly how I'm feeling, so full of rage and grief at my husband's terminal CUP diagnosis, and feeling so cheated of the decades we thought we had ahead of us. Veering wildly between being positive - the i'm fine response - and wanting to scream. Perhaps screaming would help. 

Hi,

Screaming is exactly what I feel like doing at the moment. I'm finding it really difficult to stay calm.

My husband has just had a hospital bed delivered and as been put on a syringe driver for anti sickness medication. He's currently on three antibiotics trying to fight his seventh infection in the last few months which are making him sick.

We don't know how long we've got left together. Our first grandchild is due any moment and we are hoping he'll be well enough to meet her. 

They can't promise he'll still be here at Christmas. Just feels like a living nightmare.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

Regards

B xx

Hi my first post on here tho I have posted on lung cancer /terminal forums . My husband too is very unwell . Diagnosed with sclc in March . Now on second round d of chemo . The immunotherapy didn’t work . We haven’t had a prognosis . He constantly sleeps and has fatigue due to the cancer I believe . He’s 54 and I’m 64 . I care for him and manage well generally but he seems to push us away as a family . This affects me as I miss going out for lunch , Xmas shopping etc . He’s moved into spare room as he had disturbed nights and nose bleeds . He seems irritated with me if I even talk to him . He doesn’t want to see anyone grandchildren or family . He can’t explain why . I feel so lonely . Like you my strong husband is disappearing and I can’t believe this is how our life is now . Sorry … just had a bad night too but I completely understand you xx 

Hi, I go along with all your comments. My wife had small cell lung cancer 7 years ago. We had all the ups and downs of chemo and radiotherapy, but it worked. She was diagnosed with incurable cancer about 18 months ago. Chemo and immuno, neither worked but made her even worse with all the side effects. She also had targeted radiotherapy. She has been getting more and more fatigued. It is so hard to watch your partner disappear before your eyes. She is not the same person anymore. I care for her at home, subsequently I am as much a prisoner as her. We have children, but they have kids and commitments. I had to retire to care for her, which frankly, took away my only relief. 

I can only suggest you get out as much as you can. I deliberately only buy food for each day as an excuse to "pop" up to the shop. I used to love Christmas but this year it is just a chore. Unable to go any of the kids shows, carol concerts, lights.....

Sorry, I started this to look at your problems and have ended up wittering on about my own. All I can say is try and keep your identity...I have failed.

Take care xxx

It's a lonely place to be even with well meaning and lovely friends and family. It's good to be able to share thoughts like this which you can't really say anywhere else. Take care. Xx

Sometimes people push away the people and things that bind them to their life in preparation to leave it behind.   It must be terribly upsetting for you.