New here - Husband has bowel cancer, very depressed, rarely communicates. I'm struggling

My sister had bowel cancer ,rectal that had spread to her brain and like you're husband nowhere else,alas the outcome wasn't favourable but everyone is different.Her husband gave up work immediately to be there for her and after surgery on her brain to remove the cancer she was never able to work or drive again...they immediately qualified for pip....it's not about the money I know,but financial worries on top of things don't help.

Good luck with everything I hope you're husband makes a full recovery 

Thanks. He got pip. And a blue badge. Macmillan at the hospital helped with it. 

Hi Ice

I have replied to you on my thread and then seen your thread so thought I would reply here too. 

My husband is most definitely a glass empty kind of person.  It is so visible as the operation date approaches he becomes more and more withdrawn and depressed.  He has had several complex but routine operations over the years (non cancer related) and always stresses so much about them, he worries that he is going to form part of the % that don't make it. 

I on the other hand am really positive - so really do struggle with his negativity.  He does snap at me, and I just walk away and then a bit later on say 'I am trying, please don't be unkind' and he gets it, as do I.  Our son is 17 and he is so full of life and lights up the room - he fortunately has a real knack for turning his Dad's mood around.

I personally think that there are so many treatments and the medical profession for cancer treatment is outstanding, so whilst what your radiotherapy consultant said may be true, it isn't always the case and I think, we can cross that bridge when/if we get there.  I don't think you are sticking your head in the sand at all, you are managing as best your can with the current knowledge that you have.

Thanks for the reply. I end up overcompensating when he's horrible which annoys me too!

Got the pre-op Monday and the stoma nurse next week " just in case" 

We had pre-op yesterday and have Stoma next Friday (same as - just in case) :-)

You don’t seem to be sticking your head in the sand at all. I’m so sorry to hear everything that you are going through. I can’t really comment on your husband‘s cancer but you ask a question about giving up work. I’m wondering the same thing, My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I get my state pension and work part-time, a) I really like my job and the people I work with, b) I don’t have many friends, I have no children and so friends of my age have grandparent duties, which is obviously their first priority. 
c) I like my own company, possibly too much so. 
To get back to your dilemma regarding work, are you able to keep your emotions in check whilst you’re at work? Have you got good colleagues? Do you enjoy your job? Would finances allow you to go part time? I don’t feel like I’ve given you much help but I totally understand why you are feeling as you do. 

Thanks Maureen 

I could go part time (currently working 34.25 hrs, could drop to 25)

I think working might give me some head room away from home. 

Im going to put in a flexible working request and see if I can work my hours over the week but not have fixed hours each day to work around home stuff. They can see I've worked the right hours on the computer system. 

Im 60 this year so unfortunately have a good few years to go.

I also love my own company and am not a super sociable person!

I’ve just read your lovely response to Ice and this is going to sound like the most ridiculous question. You say you’re a positive person, how do you become positive? I’m desperate to be that way . This is a genuine question, is there a knack to becoming positive or have you trained yourself to become so? Are we born positive/negative? I’m so low at the moment and I just can’t seem to drag myself out of this horrendous depression. This forum is The only thing that’s keeping me going, it was wonderful to read your message.

Yes, that sounds like the best plan. Hopefully your employer will see that you need flexibility to be able to support your husband but give you time for yourself. 

I think a lot of my positivity comes from being the youngest of four and always being protected by a family member from the perils of life. Also, my Dad was my greatest advocate for grabbing life by the horns. He is no longer with us, but he was so wise and used to always quote mantras to me, which at the time I thought what does that even mean lol!  As I’ve got older I say them all to my son, and he has his dad’s sense of humour and my outlook on life so literally bounces through life as I did.  I think that everyone on here is going through a difficult time one way or the other, but try to ‘worry about the stuff you can change not the stuff you can’t’.  So since my husbands diagnosis, which scared the life out of me, I’ve come to realise that he needs me to bolster him, so I’m always busy working out meals, timetables, researching I have to be doing something not just with this I’ve always been that way.  Be kind to yourself, Maureen, I’m sure your friends and colleagues truly appreciate your friendship and are glad that you are in their lives … most of my true friends are people that I met at work, I generally lean on them more than my family x