I dont know if I'm strong enough for this

Have you spoken to you local

council carers service? They can advise if local support groups that may be suitable for you. 

My wife has terminal lung cancer. She has been signed off by oncology as there is no more they can do. We are now in limbo. Who do we go to with a problem...GP?...Hospice?? Who knows? I am caring for her at home. Living this close all  the time is causing me a fair amount of stress. I realise its not on a level with inevitable death but it is not easy. I had to retire due to her health, so am now stuck indoors constantly. I feel guillty about going out, the consequence of that is that I don't get to see friends or my kids. My wife does'nt want outside inrevention and it is hard to disagree with someone in her position. I have to think for her as  she gets very confused from lack of oxygen. I get mixed emotions, my temper is on a knife edge. I feel terrible about not seeing my grandchildren/ children. I have to pay for most of the bills even though we get roughly the same pension. We are second marriage and her children live further away than mine. They are all coming for Christmas. I will be spending the whole time cooking and cleaning but first of all buying all the food and drink. They all have short arms and long pockets. As usual my kids will miss out .In case you have'nt got the gist, I royally fed up and just don't need the extra hassle of Christmas. Anyway, time I shut up, up, I guess we all have problems, cancer is a cr*p disease and destroys not just the victim but the people around.

Christmas should be the least of your worries. I’m not planning on doing anything I just don’t have the space in my brain to even think about it. If people want to visit you for Christmas they should not be expecting you to actually host’ them. If they want Christmas dinner then let them do it themselves. 

I really feel for you. My best friend had a similar situation with her step children. Her own children did loads while her husbands children did nothing. The only time he heard from them was when he wanted something.they then expected everything to come to them. You must be so frustrated. 

When I did my original post I didnt realise how much support i would find. At the time i really needed to vent. The saying safety in numbers seems apt somehow. To have my feelings validated and made to feel they are normal is massive. We are all doing our best and we need to remember that. Sending hugs to all the carers x

It’s a sense of relief isn’t it! I feel so guilty for my feelings, I hope you all don’t think bad of me but I am so scared of being alone for the rest of my life, I’m only 44 and know that I’m likely to be a widow by the time I am 50. I feel such a birch saying that, and I know it’s irrational and irrelevant compared to what he must be thinking! I wish there was a pill I could take to get me out of my own head! I wake every morning and for a second it’s not there and then it hits me like a train! 

I'm sure we all understand the fear of being 'left behind' we get that first moment when we wake up then BAM! it hits us too. 

We all feel the same..we’re all going through the same feelings. I cry most days and wonder why me? So I went to the GP today like I said this morning on my chat. She was amazing. I cried and cried, we talked, she gave me a sick note. She told me I was important. I feel so much better for going to her

You need to insist on some outside help, for your own sanity and kindly explain that you aren’t able to host Christmas as your home due to the caring responsibilities you already have.   If they want to visit they can do so around the main day and arrange their own accommodation.  Anyone half decent would understand.  If they want to stay in your home for Christmas they can cook for themselves and look after their mum to allow you to travel to see your own family and have some much needed respite.  You are the most important person in that household right now.  You are the glue holding everything together and making sure your wife’s needs are met every day.  You have needs too and it is important that they aren’t pushed aside or minimised.

I totally get you, it’s like like you are speaking from my own head! I’ve been screaming and crying in the car on my way to work why us, then end up feeling guilty for pitying myself. 
Thank you for letting me rant it is so good to know I’m not alone in this awful limbo I seem to be living in ?