doing 'widow practice'

I understand your feelings. Staying strong when you just want to scream.

Thank you for saying this. It helps to know other people out there can relate to this...

I've been away from this forum for a few days and I wanted to reply to everyone who has commented here, to thank you all for your honesty and acknowledgment that I'm not alone in these feelings.

I never really imagined I would get any replies to my post, just wrote it late at night in a moment of desperation. I'm overwhelmed by all your responses. And sad for you all too. What we are all facing is so, so hard. Thank you to everyone who has written with such openness and kindness.

Thank you Bella74 . I recognise these feelings 100%.

It helps to know others are struggling with these feelings and situations, though I wish for everyone's sake here that no one was!

So sorry to hear this. It is the worst being alone and trying to imagine how one will cope in the future..

I could have written this.

He’s been in hospital and friends say, how are you coping on your own? I say ok, I’ve got to get used to it.

I feel guilty about planning about doing things once he’s gone, and asking myself is this selfish? I’m in a bit of a mess.

I don’t think it’s selfish or - if it is - then I am too; I don’t think we’d be alone.  All we can do, with the hand we’ve been dealt, is our best. I know I can’t do more, worry more, be more available, or wish more, that we weren’t going through this.  We are though, and, speaking for myself, I don’t think I could get through the days, which are getting longer and more difficult, without some hope for the future and some relief from the constant anxiety and uncertainty.  

I feel the same. It's so hard and absolutely heartbreaking and occasionally i allow myself to imagine being happy again, then I feel bad because I know he never will. But that's out of my control and no amount of guilt will make him better. We just have to do whatever it takes to get through this xx

Thanks for this post. Imagining the future and being happy again is like a forbidden fruit, and the occasional bite at it is wonderful. A complete relief from the anxiety and doubt and work. Thanks so much and wish you well.

This is such a powerful image. But I think we have to allow ourselves to imagine a future if we can, however impossible it seems now.