doing 'widow practice'

Hi,

Just came on here this morning as I'm feeling exactly the same. Helps to know I'm not alone. My husband is currently in hospital fighting pneumonia. He has terminal gallbladder cancer. When I'm at home alone, I'm trying to get used to it as I know he won't be with me for much longer.

It's so hard knowing what's to come.

Regards,

Becky 

Hey, 

Im in the same situation. I totally recognise the feelings you are having; it felt like a mirror to many of my own when I was reading your post.
Just yesterday I took a day to myself - my bf s on a break from treatment and away - just kept bursting into tears in the morning and throughout my walk down to see some friends. Then when I’m with my friends I’m torn between missing him being there, thinking this is how it will be when he’s not here anymore and how awful that will be, and  this is practice and it’s good to get used to it and I should take more time like this. It’s the most horrible mixture of thoughts and emotions.
My take is that it’s the brain’s natural way of trying to process the situation; there are different realties to hold onto of support and be there for the person you love now, and also what happens in the reality afterwards when that person isn’t here. It’s really tough. 
Suffice to say, you are not alone!

Hi Bella, Thanks for your post. The brain making things work naturally was really helpful. I am not as far down the line as many in this post. Last chemo this week for husband I have held out  reasonably well up to now. Found myself crying this morning, exhausted and can't concentrate on anything for the first hour or two of the day. I feel this situation is surreal not grounding as many seem to find it. Thanks everyone for saying it as it is. It truly helps. 

Oh my!  I've been reading all these posts and have found them so helpful.  I too have been living with the feelings and planning of what I'll do when he's gone.  I don't feel quite so guilty now, knowing that others are having the same feelings.  I send all of you, and your special ones, all the best love and hugs.  Take care of yourselves.  Zebra xx

Zebra so glad you found these posts helpful. I thought I could handle it all on my own and find it good to have company in these thoughts. The reality is a practice run in your head is actually quite sensible as it will happen. I doesn't mean that it will end up like that, but dipping into the future a little bit every now and again deffo does not require guilt. 

Take care

My wife is in her final weeks of stage 4 cancer and I see many similarities in your thoughts. I vary from really strong feelings of what I’ll do and how I’ll cope to desperately worrying thoughts of how I survive on my own after 30 years as a team.

I wish I could tell you I had the answers and that things will be alright but I can’t even tell myself that yet. In time I’m sure things will get easier but I’m not sure at the moment.

stay strong

Hi bexx, this totally resonates with me at the moment. We're still waiting for a firm diagnosis for my husband - Malignancy of Unknown Origin, but I feel like my mind is racing through all the worst cases possible as he's deteriorating quite quickly. Having mad crying fits when out running, mixed with rage, guilt and terror. It's a dream- like state which I'm hoping I'll be able to control better when we have more firm information - if we do..

I really agree re the concentration. Memory shot to pieces, all very surreal.

Bexx - your post could have been written by me.  I empathise totally with you; I too don’t want to ‘burden’ friends, my sons or my husband, so feel I have to be positive and buoyant all the time.  After 2.5 years of doing that, more so over the 10 months we’ve known his condition is terminal, I’m exhausted, but feel there no alternative.  I can’t take a break, as I’m needed here around the clock - thankfully, I don’t work.  I find myself thinking of how it, and I, and our boys, will be when he does go.  There are days when he feels so ill and has zero energy, when I know he’s had enough, and I wish he could gently leave, then feel wicked.  I doubt this helps you as I have no solutions to offer, but maybe knowing you aren’t alone, is of some comfort. 

Just as an aside, I haven’t been on this forum since the very early days of this journey, but something brought me here tonight, and to this specific post.  Thank you x