doing 'widow practice'

Hi bexx and welcome to our on line family, hope you find us as helpful as I did.

Certainly get the bit about being at work and life being "normal" - where we feel in control, and things are normal.

I wonder if you have seen this article on coping with anticipatory grief, I know I recognize a lot of what I went through there - my wife's cancer is stable but the adventure of getting there was quite tricky.

Janice was always clear she did not want a prognosis and frankly it would at best be a guess anyway - I really struggled with that but then nobody would have guessed how well she is now - 10 years after diagnosis. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. My dad is dying. I think he will be here days now only. The anticipatory grief as they call it  has been awful. I’ve had a bad day today. My heart goes out to you. Take one day at a time and cry as much as you need to. You aren’t alone. Enjoy the good days together. 

Thank you Steve for answering me. I will definitely try looking at that article. It is good to read that your wife is doing ok, ten years on from her diagnosis. I think my husband's time will be much shorted according to what the consultants have told us, but we really don't know.

Today I am trying just to be in the moment and not think too far ahead..

It is so generous of you to reply to my message when you are going through such a bad time yourself. I'm so sorry to read about your dad. I hope you have family and friends around to support you and that you manage to find a way through the difficult days ahead.

For my part, yes - I will do my best to enjoy the good days when I can.

Hi bexx

Gosh, I could have written the exact same message… this is my first time on this forum and wasn’t expecting anyone to understand what I am going through… you have described it perfectly.  It’s the not having any control that is tough… when my hubby has his chemo he has 4 days of feeling yuck.. these are the really hard days..  he has no energy, no appetite and can be emotional.  Then on day five the sun comes out and he is back to his usual self.  I have found myself crying in the car in Morrisons car park, sitting in a field with my dog crying and feeling SO angry that I am having the course of our life changed - we had planned and worked for a lovely retirement by the sea… then feel SO selfish that I am thinking about me and not what he is going through.  He never complains (I would not be so brave if it were me).  The future alone terrifies me and I have visions of becoming Miss Haversham!,  I am considering some counselling to help me deal with it all as the last year has been really tough. 

Hi Bexx, I am in a very similar situation. I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences and loneliness- I absolutely know how that feels and do the same mental gymnastics myself :(. Feel free to get in touch for support. I rarely post on here but felt so low tonight that here I am! 
xx

Hi Max Duck, I could have written your post! 
feel free to get in touch for support too x 

You are not alone Bexx. Morrisons Car Park will have quite a few solitary weepers i'm sureThe solitude in the head is debilitating as a carer. The feeling of "will I cope? " the thinking and visualising the end is what I do. Not constructive nor helpful, but I do it all the same. I am constantly bemused by "what are you surprised for? Why didn't you think about this?" Constantly question past decisions. A total waste of time.  However I do let these thoughts sieve through my mind and breath deeply and carry on.  There is a common emotion of guilt. It's not us having the diagnosis or treatment, again that doesn't negate the problems or how difficult it is to watch. i appear to friends and family to be doing just fine. Everything underneath the front of house smile is a wobbling mass of self-doubt. Long term anxiety has at least given me a familiarity with the emotions, they change constantly. I have tried Headspace for meditation and help with dealing with anger. 

Take care

Hello Mad Duck,

Thank you so much for replying to me. Everything you say resonates with me, 100% - the crying in weird and inappropriate places, just crying anytime one is by oneself, crying on the street on the way to the station, or when I'm running in the park ... and the anger too .. and the wrecking of long-cherished plans. I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself and feel my focus must be on him - yet I also know I have to try to plan for a life without him...

Also what you say about the chemo, yes - he is sick and weak and nauseous, then finally there is a day when he feels better and goes out and sees friends and everyone says 'oh he looks so well!'

It is only a few months since my husband's diagnosis and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you after a year of this. I hope you can find a good counsellor and that it helps you. I haven't tried to get counselling yet. I'd be interested to know if you do whether it helps. Certainly it's helping me to voice some of the feelings here that I feel I can't share anywhere else.

Sending you love 

Hi Leamington,

Thanks so much for this. I wasn't really expecting any replies to my post when I wrote it in desperation last weekend. 

It definitely makes me feel less alone to know that you (and others here, thank you all) recognise these difficult thoughts and feelings. I am sad too to think of you being in the same boat, feeling low, having a bad night. 

Sending you all the best