Copying from the New to the Community Forum
What began in December 2022 as what we thought was a shoulder dislocation has devastated and shellshocked the whole family. My 78 year old mother flew home from the Canaries after a week in the sun with my aunty. She threw her bag into the over head locker and her shoulder came out of the socket - in excruciating agony she made the flight home on paracetamol.
The following day she was checked out and x-rayed to make sure the shoulder had gone back in correctly and it had so she was told it would be sore, it would take 12-16 wks to heal and to take ibuprofen and put a bag of peas on the area to reduce swelling. As the pain worsened over the coming weeks and unable to get an appointment with the doctors she took matters into her own hands eventually resulting in going private to see a shoulder specialist. Within a month, from consultation to diagnosis, we are now coming to terms with the dreaded c-word.
At 41 (42 soon) I am the only child and have just given my Mum her first grandchild who is nearly 8 wks. My Dad as suffered ill-health for a number of years and is due a prostate op in a couple of wks so this could not have come at a worse time. I don’t suppose cancer cares about when it raises its head! But the shoulder specialist after numerous blood work and scans identified a tumour in her right shoulder.
But unfortunately this is a secondary cancer, with the primary been identified in her right lung but also it has been found to spread to her right collarbone and shoulder blade, left hip and liver. Apparently there is no rhyme or reason with cancer and this definitely highlights the unpredictability of this cruel disease.
After a rollercoaster week and been referred to oncology this is what we are been told. This is stage 4 and incurable. The main priority is getting her pain relief for her shoulder so they are doing palliative radiotherapy which will happen over the next couple of weeks. Because she seems reasonably fit and well at the moment, other than the shoulder, they are offering her treatment.
So the idea is they will do a biopsy hopefully from the shoulder, if they can’t get what they need it will be the lung, to find out what type of cancer - it will have certain markers which will identify which treatment will work the best so could be chemo could be immunotherapy or maybe both ?
But the biopsy will also give an indication of how aggressive the cancer is so they can tell us how long we’ve got ? It’s a bit torturous not knowing how long but on the other hand I’m not looking forward to finding out either ! And the bit I find really difficult to accept is the sufferance she will endure for what will result in the inevitable.
I suppose the aim of joining this community is for support and words of wisdom. I want to focus on the time she has left, enjoy the moments but I’m finding it hard to keep it together when the unavoidable is around the corner. Wish under better circumstances but looking forward to connecting. 
Hi Zoe K
It’s Megan here from Macmillan’s Online Community team. I saw your post and wanted to offer some support whilst you are waiting for other group members to reply.
I’m sorry to hear about what has brought you to join the Community but I’m glad you are reaching out for some support. Our Community groups are safe and supportive spaces to chat to others, ask questions and talk openly about how you are feeling.
Alongside posting in the Carer’s only forum, you may find it helpful to read our blogs in the supporting someone with cancer section. We often post support information and guest stories here which you may find comforting to read. Recently we posted the 'Catching up with the 'Supporting someone with incurable cancer forum' blog which is a snapshot of the discussions and questions posted in this group. If you wanted to also join this forum, you are very welcome to.
You are also very welcome chat to with the Nurses here at Macmillan about your mum’s diagnosis and treatment options. They can provide information and reassurance alongside talking through any worries you have.
To get in touch with the Nurses, you can post a question in our Ask an expert section on the Community or contact the Macmillan Support Line.
The Support Line is open from 8am to 8pm every day and to get in touch, please call 0808 808 00 00. There’s also the options to send an email or use live webchat during the opening hours.
When you get in touch with the Support Line there will be options to speak to the Information Nurse Specialists and Support Advisers alongside the Money and Work teams. Please do get in touch even if you need a listening ear as sometimes it can be helpful to talk to someone who is there to listen.
I’m sure others who feel comfortable sharing their personal experiences will reply soon. In the meantime, you may wish to search the group for similar discussions. You can use the search bar at the top of the page to search key words and phrases.
I hope the above information can be useful and if you need any help using the Community, please don’t hesitate to get back in touch. You can email community@macmillan.org.uk or send a private message to the Moderator account.
Best wishes,
Megan
Macmillan's Online Community team
Hi Zoe K
Sorry to hear about your mum and the rather shocking way she found out about her cancer, it is not totally unusual to find cancer as the result of something unrelated.
The bit between finding out that someone has cancer and getting a treatment plan in place is really hard, totally right that they need to do a biopsy and find out what you are dealing with though as there are a lot of different treatments and definitely want to find the right one to get the best treatment possible - it does feel though like it is taking forever at the time.
Yo note your mum is in good health - that is really positive since some of the chemotherapy treatments are quite strong - and the damage they do the pesky cancer cells can be really good.
My wife never wanted to know how long and I struggled with that. In truth of course all the doctors can give is a general guess based on averages and often on data from some years ago too, they would never have guessed my wife would still be going strong now and that her cancer appears to have gone to sleep - no evidence of progression in about six years now.
I know how difficult it can be seeing a loved one going through this - is we look at your feelings when someone has cancer we can see how common and difficult this is. Given your dad is not in great health and with a baby too - no wonder you are finding things challenging, do remember to be kind to yourself too.
<<hugs>>
Steve
