Can't cope

Hey darling34 how are you doing?   How has your mum been the past couple of days?  

Hello morning, sorry I didn't write back yesterday I couldn't log on for some reason. Yesterday was fine bit stressful but generally was ok. My mum has taken a drastic turn for better it's very very strange she's eating not so tired walking more she's managed to put on 8 pound which is amazing. I'm putting it down to her pain being under control but I won't lie my brain is so confused by it by how well she is doing I don't understand it but I will take it as a good thing. She's even decided to have another different biopsy to find out more about the cancer which I am really glad she is doing as she wasn't well enough to have another one a few weeks ago. It's her birthday today she's 70 I can't believe we made it this far before Christmas I didn't think she would see it at all. So we are going to celebrate the best we can today. How are you both doing today is your mam feeling.a bit better now after her.procedure? Xx

Good morning well this is fantastic news so happy for you both and especially since it’s her birthday it’s great she is feeling fine snd you can make it a special day for her.   I’m ok but mum is not the past 2 days she has had pain down the leg on the side she had biopsy on  for the pelvic mets.  It’s worse today she is actually dragging her leg I’m worried sick so we are going to hospital have called them and they are going scan it at 12 then the consultant is going see us at 1.30.  Mum says she has a feeling they will keep her in so taking a bag just in case.   It must be something to do with the biopsy I was thinking maybe a blood clot.    Constant worry is’int it.   I will let you know how we get on.   I hope you have a fab day with your mum.  Xx

Hey, hope it's all ok today let me know what they say. It sounds like something from the biopsy I know the doctor's make out like it's only a biopsy but my mother was ill for a while after hers it took it out of her. Hope they can just help with the pain today because constant pain is not nice drains them as well. My mother has a blinking urine infection today so she's ok but not right and in pain I think she needs a constant supply of antibiotics for it because she's only coming off them a matter of days and it's back again so clearly she needs to be on long term antibiotics but thank you we are going to celebrate as much as we can only small quiet day but so far I think she's had a lovely day. 

I’ve just signed up to this forum today. I’ve been reading through people’s posts and so, so many thoughts, feelings and emotions are being reflected back to me. My beloved Dad was diagnosed with terminal Oesophageal Cancer at the end of August last year. I’m not married and I don’t have a family of my own. My Mum and Dad are my world, but I’ve always been a Daddy's girl…we are so very, very close. He’s my purpose, my reason for getting up in the morning. I absolutely worship the ground that he walks on.  Needless to say I am absolutely devastated. I honestly don’t know how I am going to survive this next period; I feel like I am dying too. I don’t know what’s worse; the grief or the anxiety. I’m self medicating with wine which I know is a bad idea, but I just need something to numb the pain a little. I’m trying to stick to a glass or two tops. I’m taking Nytol most nights when I wake up at 1 or 2am and the anxiety kicks in. I’m also getting angry at some of the messages from friends. Like you say, I know they mean well, but I get so sick of their relentless questioning/grilling. Someone asked me today if I’d had a nice evening and I felt like saying “No I didn’t have a nice fucking evening, don’t you know my Dad is dying and my world is ending!”. So no, I definitely don’t think you’re a meanie…I get it, I really do. I’m so sorry that we are all going through this hell. Look after yourself Darling xx

Hey it went ok today doc said area has been irritated and to use stronger painkillers so thankfully mum didn’t need to stay.   How is your mum doing I hope the infection is not stopping her from having a nice birthday?   No results yet so back next week.     Hope you have all had a nice day.  Xx

I'm glad that it's just irritation even tho thats not nice she doesn't need more surgery hopefully painkillers will work if not go back to your GP there are stronger stuff than they use at first. Bet your knackered after today it's so tiring going to the hospital all day isn't it hope you get some rest tonight both of you but definitely ask for help that's what I don't I give it 24 hour because pain relief is supposed to work right away so if it doesn't work right away it isn't going to work and remember those ones I told u my mam is on long tec and shorts tec they are amazing for keeping the pain away for long periods x 

Hi there, thank you for getting in touch and I'm really sorry your going through this I wouldn't wish this on any one it's awful. I used wine a lot at first because I couldn't cope I have stopped now only now and then I will have a glass or two of I can't cope. I know you have prob been told this but you should go speak with the GP because they can help I wake up in a panic attack in the middle of the night and can't fall to sleep untill I'm falling asleep on the chair because my mind will over think but my anti depressant do help me to stay asleep and control the panic attacks a bit. Also I would recommend counselling I started them pretty much right away with a charity I don't know where you are in the country to recommend any where but it does help some times u don't want to talk and that's fine but some times u just need to cry and talk and scream how unfair it is and I could say things I couldn't tell my mum as I don't want to upset her. It's a hard journey I have started to have better days I would say not good days I can't remember them. But days where it's easier to wake up than others and the really bad days I try and be kind to my self and tell my self tomorrow is another day. My dad died over 10 years ago with cancer and I won't lie to you I have never been the same since losing a patent is like losing a piece of your self but it did get easier in time but my mum is different again because iv had her longer with me and it's my mum it's different and I don't know how I will get through it I don't. I find keeping busy and productive helps me through the day trying a bit of normal helps I was going to give up my job but everyone told me.not to and for once I listened to them and it's helped it a part of the day that's normal that's for me that's not cancer related. I did cut my hours massively I only do 3 mornings now but it's enough. But Definitely reach out to people talk to people on here because we get it. And be kind to your self. Right now is time.to find your strength the strength trust me u didn't even know you had but it's in you because your pure love for your dad will make sure u make it as pain free and calm as u can for him. That's how I look at it and my time to fall apart will be after. We are always here to chat through when ever you want xx

Yeah well it was relief that she could go home she had got it into her head she would be staying so had taken a bag.  They did say as well it’s probs a bit of progression in the mets so we will see what they say next week.   It’s like the roundabout you can’t step off!  Hope today been nice for you all. Xx

Thank you so much for lovely reply. I’m so pleased to read the strength that comes across in this post compared to your first one. I have already realised myself that our capacity to cope is far greater than we would ever believe. I’ve suffered from depression in the past and I don’t consider myself to be emotionally resilient like some people, yet I’ve seen myself kind of bounce back. Something happens, I fall apart and then a week or so later, I’ve accepted the latest setback and I’m coping again. I am also trying to stay productive, helping my Mum and Dad with shopping and cooking and practical stuff. I think going into that mode is helping me and giving me something to focus on. That being said my Dad is still quite well apart from his swallowing difficulties which had improved until this last week (he’s having a stent inserted on Friday). It will be very different when he begins to deteriorate; I know I won’t cope watching him suffer/deteriorate/fade away, My employer has a contract with Bupa that offers telephone counselling. I’ve thought about calling them, but sometimes I just don’t want to talk about things and / or think what difference can it make? It won’t change the circumstances. I will consider it though. I won’t take anti-depressants. I’ve tried multiple anti-depressants in the past and they just don’t work for me. I’ve been taking natural remedies (Ashwaghanda) at night. I think it does help…it’s just during the weeks when I’m faced with more bad news, worsening symptoms etc. that I’m waking up and can’t get back to sleep due to whirling thoughts. I take half a Nytol (the anti-histamine ‘one a night’ ones, not the herbal ones) and they allow me to sleep through. I’m glad to hear that work is helping…it’s good that you can work reduced hours and they’ll support you. I’m the same…working less hours from home atm. Take care and thanks again for your reply. Xx