Hi all, I essentially need to rant or advice as I'm kinda lost and becoming extremely overwhelmed and stressed. I'm an only child caring for my mother who has stage 4 suspected womb cancer, after her first chemo session she became violently ill and developed too much protein in her kidneys due to vomiting over 40 times in 2 weeks. She is making a good recovery but her chemo has been delayed and the cancer seems to be growing in the liver.
As I'm her only child and only family member. Understandable I've had to take time of at short notice and have missed certain deadlines and I've tried to work weekends to catch up but ultimately I need a break.
On Friday I noticed an important email which needed to be discussed so I forwarded it to my manager to discuss on Monday but I didn't realise I'd missed the deadline due to being in and out of hospital all week. He then responded with "please tell me why the deadline was missed as it was yesterday and have answers ready by Monday morning!!". It was Friday at 5:30! I responded accordingly saying you know why I've been off and jts evident I'm stressed trying to hold it all together so I clearly need to see my doctor about taking some time off. This isn't the first time he's spoken to me out of turn and I have been afforded the opportunity to work remotely but I'm clearly struggling with no work being taken from me.
I feel this was the straw which broke the camels back, after working during the pandemic (I work in public health), several failed IVF treatments and now my mums cancer diagnosis I've attempted to hold it all together and only once has he asked how I am and to then speak to me like he has no clue what's been happening and like a piece of shit I feel I'm done. I just feel soooooo pissed off, worked about and beyond, held my team and service together throught all this shit and this is how I'm spoken to. Nope, life is too shirt for this shit!
Hi Joy80
So sorry to read about what you have been going through and how your boss has been dealing with this. It is not difficult for me to see why you feel like this about your boss. Have you spoken to HR at all about how you feel and what support have they offered. You might also like to speak to one to the Work Support Service here - and even suggest to your HR department that they might like to do the same.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi Joy80
Really sorry to hear everything you’re going through especially with an unsympathetic boss
As Src60 has mentioned talk to HR, and also your bosses manager to try and get your work load reduced. It may be easier going above his head. Some companies have access to a therapist or councillor so it may be worth seeing if they have those available for you.
As carers we forget to take the time to care for ourselves, devoting all our energy to our loved ones and keeping on top of all the bills and other responsibilities.
ask your doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks so you get chance to unwind from what’s happening and happened in the past, and process it.
even if you return back on a part time basis. And if work still isn’t sympathetic you have the time and energy to look for somewhere else to work.
Take some time out for you. Caring for a loved one is challenging and there’s an old add age that you can’t pour from an empty glass and yet that’s what we expect ourselves to do.
reinvest some of your tiny amount of down time into a hobby or interest you have.
I recently found out that when I was supporting my husband through cancer I could have possibly gotten some help from adult social services just to take some strain off.
I hope you find the best route for you, and that you look after yourself, and you’re kind to yourself. It’s a lot that you have on your plate right now and even in the past.
sending you virtual hugs x
Dear Joy80
i understand your anger and what a thoughtless and horrid message from your manager. It appears he has never experienced the intense caring you are doing. I hope you don’t act from anger but instead plan out an approach that allows you time to recover from his harsh words and use your organisations HR structures to your advantage.
I was in a similar position to you in 2017, the only child of a single mum, and during her final weeks I drove home 160 miles at 6.00 am from my mother’s house to my office to start work at 8.00. My colleagues were unaware I was doing this until I fell asleep at my desk.
when I explained what was going on I was sent straight home and given two weeks compassionate leave. I then arranged leave for the next two weeks. My mother died during this period.
I then became unwell myself with shingles ( surprise surprise ) and was signed off. My colleagues picked up the slack and when I eventually returned their kindness was overwhelming.
I tried to keep things quiet but in the end letting everyone know the truth of how dire things were was the best policy.
As an only child I realised I always hid my needs. Try not to. Hope things go ok.
take care
M
Hi Steve, thanks for signposting me to the work support service, I'll contact them tomorrow. I did contemplate contacting HR but always feel they're usually on the side of the employer rather than the employee. I have taken dependency leave but if I need to take more leave I'd either have to use annual or unpaid leave, I think those are my only options at the moment, that or sick leave.
Use any leave you can. Sick leave and actual leave. You will never have this time with your mum again, but the job will always be there. HR have a duty in law to support you and if they don’t it’s bullying harassment and constructive dismissal. In fact your mangers E mail is pretty damming evidence already. . I sooooo regret not taking time off at least a month before she died. I was harassed and stressed and feeling rushed when I should have just sat with her for hours without any demands on me.
my Gp signed me off for a month as he totally understood why I needed to stop.
take care.
M
Hi M, I'm definitely going to take some time off. I do feel regret at leaving colleagues in the learch but looking after my mother and my own mental health are far more important. His email is quite damming and I should have taken a picture of it as proof but I was so upset I couldn't think straight. I really do wish companies would realise just how stressful looking after someone with cancer can be, I thought I could do it all but I can't and something needs to give. Xx
Sorry to hear you are going through this at this worrying time. A couple years ago I was going through the same at work. On my first day back of being off with anxiety because my hubby was diagnosed with 3 cancers, my manager gave me a written warning rang hr, they just said if job is to stressful maybe find something else less stressful. Really thoughtful. I then decided to go on bank work down there and go in when it suits me, also I can go to his appointments. Got another job on bank somewhere else and it tends to work well at the moment. Take care.
Whatever cancer throws your way, we’re right there with you.
We’re here to provide physical, financial and emotional support.
© Macmillan Cancer Support 2024 © Macmillan Cancer Support, registered charity in England and Wales (261017), Scotland (SC039907) and the Isle of Man (604). Also operating in Northern Ireland. A company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales company number 2400969. Isle of Man company number 4694F. Registered office: 3rd Floor, Bronze Building, The Forge, 105 Sumner Street, London, SE1 9HZ. VAT no: 668265007