New and a bit lost

Hi, just popping on here with a message of support to say you are not alone. No major words of wisdom, however, I have had some pretty hairy moments with my partner to the point where I have had to set my own boundaries. 

I have said anger is allowed, it’s an expression and emotion like any other, however any verbal abuse is not.

You need to protect your peace to be able to be there for him.

Has he accepted any therapy support? He can access it for free My partner has said it was helpful. 

Your feelings are completely valid and need to be expressed too. 
Do you have your own support network? 

Here if you want to chat x 

Sometimes anger is the easiest emotion to express.....I know it's stereotyping but as a women I show my fear through tears and crying ,men maybe through anger.....and bottling things up I find is like a pressure cooker that eventually goes boom.

Does you're husband have a mental health diagnosis on top of his cancer I ask coz I have bi polar disorder and dealing with the stress of my dad's cancer diagnosis has been difficult because ause it triggers my symptoms.

Hello Amarg

i hope you are ok. It is really tricky to deal with our husbands in this situation. Mine has mood swings making it difficult to predict how he will react throughout each day. Anger is often a symptom of frustration and fear . Not knowing or feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Nevertheless that is not an excuse or reason for taking feelings out on others. Sometimes some straight talking is needed..if you don’t feel able to say how you feel about his anger get a trusted friend or family member to have a gentle word. If you don’t have anyone around perhaps talk to your GP, district nurses or other health professionals involved. They are, in my experience, aware of the stresses and strains of being the primary carer for a partner. Above all, and I am needing to take my own advice here, try to make space for yourself, a walk in the garden, a trip to the local shop or drop in to see a neighbour just to get some space to breathe. 
if you ever feel unsafe call for help. 111 or even 999. Sending hugs…and we are here x

Ive just replied to myself rather than everyone's messages separately.

Thank you for your kind words of support, its helpful to know Im not the only one with this frustration.

Ive encouraged my husband to reach out for some emotional support, but I think its 'one more thing' that that the cancer has 'brought' and he doesn't have the capacity to deal with anything else right now. Im hoping in time that he will reconsider.

Im fortunate that I am aware of my feelings and when Im struggling, and lucky to have a wonderful network of friends, so between them and this community, I think Ill be ok. 

Thank you again everyone.

Good question and I’m in a similar situation. 

My dad says that I don’t understand because I’m not going through it and does get angry and snappy at me, when I’m trying to help him. 

im trying to find space for my own feelings and look after myself when I can, but also seeking comfort from others. 

good piece of advice about setting boundaries too so we’re not the brunt of all of their negative emotions x

Things dont seem to be improving. 

He says he feels better, but he still turns on a sixpence and bites everyone's heads off for barely any reason. 

Ive tried talking to him, Weve argued about it, Ive cried bucketfuls of tears over it, and Im now feeling defeated and resentful. Almost, but not quite, to the point of not caring. I dont like seeing the man I love, in pain, and struggling.

I keep reminding myself that this is the cancer and the treatments fault, that his body isnt his own at the moment, but my frustration levels are at an all time high. 

All suggestions welcome.....

Have you used mindfulness to help you through the difficult times of it’s your thing .Also a local carers group may be really helpful as a support network .

It’s good you have supportive friends and family .Try and make time for something away from the situation to let off steam …it’s the changes in behaviour ,so it’s also dealing with the loss of what you had before.

I’ve just joined here’s my husband is waiting to find out test results and is weighed down by overwhelming stress and anxiety. Reading your post I already feel less alone. He doesn’t want me to tell people. Thank you for being honest here. My husband and I are on holiday but absolutely nothing is bringing him joy. So hard to watch.

Ive been there. I think what worked for us was not expecting to find joy, even on holiday.  Its a crappy time, everything feels crap, every moment is backed up with a what if. So dont try and find joy right now, just acknowledge yours and his feelings. Together if you can. Recognise that its a worry, rest while you can so youre prepared for whatever comes. If joys finds you, brilliant, but if you spend the whole week crying and clinging to each other for dear life and just surviving then know that thays ok too.

I care for my husband who is, fortunately, very even tempered & “what will be will be” in his attitude to his illness, which is good on the whole, though at times I’d like him to be more proactive! I cared for my father some years ago and he was very different: demanding, irritable and sometimes quite rude. I tried to be patient, as I knew he was suffering, but finally snapped when he was horrible to my mum (she had Alzheimer’s and did her best to help me) after she asked him (yet again) if he would like a cup of tea. I told him just what I thought of him and felt awful afterwards. But it changed the dynamic: he tried hard to be appreciative afterwards, and more patient with mum, and I worked at being more assertive too. I think sometimes the people we care for forget that we are human beings too! I hope you are able to take some time out for yourself and have a friend or family member to talk to.