Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Hi Mazza,  I know what you mean about living life for yourself and Steve.  At first I saw no point in going on, even though I had wonderful family around.  Now I think of myself as the Custodian of Andrew's Memory, as I have so much to share about what he and I did or discussed together.  Don't think of me as brave, though. The coping, positive me is a mask for others.  I spent a good half hour in bed last night howling and shouting my sorrow and anger.  Luckily my walls are thick!  Also I  understand the song thing.  Every damn song I hear seems to have meaning.  There's a line in Scott Walker's No Regrets that catches my heart ... "The thoughts we shared I now keep alone" and the whole of the Kinks Thank You For the Days really resonates.  Often I have to go through the list of Andrew's final symptoms (severe pain, breathlessness,  swollen legs, feet and stomach, ulcers, etc) to justify that his passing was the best thing possible for him.  Not for me though. *sigh*

Hi carrad, I too think of the last couple of years, falls, seizures, short term memory loss, doubled his weight due to steroids and burst bowel so he had to have a stoma, blood clot and injections. It really wasn't fair of me to keep wishing I could keep him here. He was very proud and independent so he hated that he had to rely on me. Really hated it. Haven't gone out again today as just want to stay at home but will have to tomorrow as my sis is arriving Saturday so need to get some shopping. Will keep myself busy til then as will clean the house and make up her bed etc.  Hopefully we will be able to accept this one day but can't see it coming anytime soon. Sometimes I wake up to him calling my name. Really strange.  

Carrad/Mazza, I keep thinking about Geoffs last couple of weeks. His legs and feet were so swollen. He had a lesion in the brain that changed his personality. I just can't remember him before his illness. I try so hard but can't. I know I need to force myself to do things and every evening I think right tomorrow I'm going to go for a coffee or go for a walk but I end up doing nothing. It's like I'm wallowing in my own self pity and I'm angry at myself as I know I won't start to feel better unless I do something myself. It will be 6 months in 4 days and am dreading it x

Hi Sarahjh, 

I know how  you feel. I feel like I am wallowing too and haven't been out since Monday, apart from the local shop this evening. I think we need this time though. It will be six months this Sunday for me so I know exactly where you are. I am feeling buoyant today due to my sister arriving on Saturday but I know when she goes home, I will feel worse again. I really must find something to do to fill my time as do you. We will figure it out in our own time. I have a few videos of Steve and only started watching them recently. Cried my eyes out so haven't watched them for a week or so. Amazingly I could see the difference from two years ago and just before xmas when he was taken and it helped me understand just how ill and uncomfortable he really was. You can't see it when you are nursing them constantly. I can see now how he must have felt and know now that he is pain free. Still wish he was here though as we had lots of plans, places to visit but it would be selfish of me to keep on wishing. He tried his hardest to stay with me - 7 years and he was only given one -two months. Amazing fighter he was. Chin up chick. We will get there at some point. When, I don't know but we will.  x

Thanks Mazza, it will be 6 months for me tomorrow too and I've been a complete mess these last few days. I can remember this weekend so vividly and this is the first time since Geoff went that the 11th has fallen on a Sunday and I keep going over and over what we were doing this time 6 months ago. Sadly today was the day I agreed for him to be transferred to the hospice. Im in pieces. It feels like it only happened yesterday again. Hugs to you x

Oh ladies, I recognise everything you all say!  This last week, even though I have kept busy and done some pleasant things, I feel like I've taken a step back in that denial has risen its ugly head again. How can someone as strong and alive as Andrew be dead?  He was the pivot around which our family revolved, how can the centre of my world be gone?  We will never have that apartment in Ibiza we talked about so often or a Golden wedding anniversary 

Reading the symptoms and pain your husbands endured, as mine did, I feel so sad and so in awe of the bravery they and you find from somewhere.  I too can hardly remember Andrew before his illness.  Closing my eyes for sleep at night All I see is the replay of his death and the events around it.  I don't even remember his voice. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he could lo be a grumpy old so and so if he wanted!  He would really have enjoyed grumbling his way through the election.

It only occurred to me today that the way I am eating (basically vegetarian) is not entirely my own choice of diet as I imagined it was. I realised that I can't bring myself to prepare and eat the type of meals that we used to enjoy together.  Has anyone else had a sudden realisation of a difference in their lives beyond the usual awful stuff?

My love and strength to you all as you negotiate this life we didn't ask for or want...

sarahjh, I managed to get through today, mainly because my sister is here. Had a quiet reflective day and lots of thoughts. Cannot believe it is 6 months today, as seems like a few weeks. I was thinking of you today and hope you manage to sleep tonight and that tomorrow isn't too traumatic for you.

carrad, I know how you feel too. We didn't ask for this and neither did our lovely husbands. I only hope the pain we feel lessens in time although life will never be the same again. Going to bed now to try and sleep but doubtul it will come easy.

Both of you take care.  No doubt chat again soon.  x

Hello everyone, I'm a member on the Macmillan forum but only just came across this thread.

My name is Jan & I lost my 54 year old husband to esophageal cancer just 18 days ago, we held his funeral last Friday. Although his death was expected, it came sooner than we thought, we were told 12 months back in December but he made a rapid decline the last month of his life. I feel so lost without him, please tell me I won't always feel like this.

Thank you

Jan, I am so sorry for your loss and that you are now part of this awful club which we find ourselves members of.  Your grief is very new and raw yet it probably started long ago, as anticipatory grief. You are probably still in shock too.  Even though I knew Andrew was terminally ill for a long time, his passing came unbelievably hard.  I wept rivers and suffered physical pain at my loss yet I was also numb.  Widowhood seems to be one long contradiction.  

Seven months on it still hurts badly.  Reading the posts from the others it seems we all suffer in a similar way, even though specific instances are very much our own experiences.  All the advice I can offer you is to be kind to yourself.   Cry when you need to  smile when you can and follow your instincts.  Try to be strong but don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  Sometimes  I appear braver than I am to others when I am a dribbling wreck underneath.  I still love my husband and miss him so much but I'm finding this little community is a good place to share true feelings with the only people who truly understand.  Love and a virtual hug, Carolyn xxx