Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Unknown said:

Hello everyone, I'm a member on the Macmillan forum but only just came across this thread.

My name is Jan & I lost my 54 year old husband to esophageal cancer just 18 days ago, we held his funeral last Friday. Although his death was expected, it came sooner than we thought, we were told 12 months back in December but he made a rapid decline the last month of his life. I feel so lost without him, please tell me I won't always feel like this.

Thank you

Hi ,

Welcome to the site. I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your husband so quickly.

You might like to go to our Bereaved spouses and partners - Discussion Forum where there are other people affected by similar issues.

To get started, go to the group and click 'start a discussion' and then you can write a post, which others can reply to.

I hope this helps but please just write back to me here or email me at community@macmillan.org.uk.

Best wishes

Jess

Sending my love and thoughts to my fellow widows on this site, whose children don't have their dad's to celebrate  Father's Day.  A tough one for us all. Xxx

Sorry haven't posted in a little while. Just got back from Croatia and it was lovely. Cleared away some cobwebs and I did actually laugh at times. I miss Geoff terribly but I actually enjoyed it. I hope you are all doing as well as you possibly can. Hugs x

Sarah, well done!  Proud of your bravery and so happy for you that you enjoyed yourself.  I have discovered that it's okay to do stuff and smile.  That's the visible proof of Geoff's legacy in your life. Wept buckets last night and shouted myself hoarse as I  had forgotten Andrew's voice and the feel of his arms around me, but overnight I dreamt a clear dream of him, including a hug, and feel smiley this morning.

I am on holiday next week, just to Northumberland but looking forward to it.

Even more exciting, I decided to get a dog, a retired greyhound!  I pick him up in two weeks and can't wait to have a companion and someone to give all this spare love to.  Andrew loved dogs but could never have another after he lost his beloved Bridget four years ago.  

Hugs to all xx

Hello JanLou, my name Maggie

Like you I have only just come across this thread and like you i also lost my husband to oesophageal cancer in May of this year. Mike had the operation in September 2015 and was recovering nicely as we thought until another scan showed advancement but he kept on with the torturous treatment that lasted for two years. For the first three months after Mikes death I kept myself busy with having things done to the house and then his loss hit me.

For the last two months I have just existed with thoughts of Mike overwhelming every minute of my day and like you I feel lost. I have thought of selling my large house but I may be jumping too soon as it is only five months since his death. I am now trying to look at grief as a process that I have to go through. We are new to grief and loneliness which is very raw but we read of people much further down the line who say things get better in time. 

Maggie x

Hello Maggie and Company.

My name is Marilyn and I too lost my husband, aged 66, to oesophageal cancer on the 13th February 2016. Phil was diagnosed in October 2013 and he went on to have two lots of chemo and then had the oesophagectomy operation followed by more chemo and radiotherapy.

I still think about how heroic Phil was throughout his battle with cancer.  He was in and out of hospital and as time went on he had a jej fitted to his duodenum to feed. He got an infection and was put in isolation for a week and spent some time in a wheelchair. We lived in hope that he would be cured, but then sadly, the cancer was spreading and we were told he was terminal. Phil returned home once again, as was his wish, for the last ten days of his life and died with dignity, surrounded by his family.

I kept myself busy with one thing and another, funeral arrangements, sorting out the house and paperwork etc. Then my mother passed away the following year after a stay in a care home, so again, I kept busy with funeral arrangements, sorting out mum's paperwork and her bungalow, together with taking care of my grandson three days a week.

Like you Maggie, I have, since Phil passed thought about whether or not to sell my large house and have decided that I should perhaps put it up for sale in the coming spring, but then I change my mind and think perhaps the year after. I love my house, but do know I'll have to move on eventually.

I think your last two lines are so true and will be a comfort to others.

Please keep in touch.

Marilyn x

Hi Marilyn, moving away from house moving. 

Sorry to create fuss about something that stabs my heart but must get this true story off my chest.

I am beginning to find the cancer research adverts irritatingly difficult as last April Mike was called to Christies Manchester to take part in a drug trial. I had researched and found the trial then spoken to Mike's oncologist who put Mike forward. He was accepted (three cheers)10th April and our third visit to Christies. Armed with pre consent forms we arrived early for our 2.00pm appointment but had to wait until 3.15pm before a clinician nurse ushered us into a cubicle. I still can't believe what she said 'Sorry we signed the last patient up this morning' I didn't want to make a scene for Mike's sake but now I wish I'd screamed at the woman, instead I remained very calm and said 'Is it possible for us to in someway go down the private route of treatment' 'If your minted' was the insensitive woman's reply! I saw hope and light go from my husbands eyes that day and he died six weeks later. I can tell people on this forum because we have already lost our loved ones, but would never steal hope for those who hopefully will be accepted and go forward with trial treatment even if it fails for them. I now feel I failed my husband by not making a huge issue out of our situation and am left feeling bitter, although I know that treatment may not have worked or even made feel worse. I can't help but feel that my lovely man who'd fought so bravely and managed very positive blood tests and good liver levels for the trial was taken to the starting grid then disqualified through no fault of his own. Well it's 1.00pm in the morning and time for me to go to bed.

Maggie

hi Lynda im also into my sixth month without my hubby of 37 years,I’m at the stage where the visits have stopped, the phone doesn’t ring as much, I find myself just locking myself away in the four walls, I don’t work due to disabilities, I was still coming to terms with the loss of my mam, when Ray was diagnosed and his death I feel as just left a big empty hole inside of me, so believe me your not on your own, sending you big hugs, sue x 

Thank you for creating this post.

Obviously I am sorry to hear your story. Mine is not much different, except for the fact that we ( me and the 2 girls) are four months down the road. I Don’t have a lot to say, other than a view point on feeling numb and not crying. I went through a similar period. I have a theory, that the adrenaline of your recent weeks of being the best you can during illness, death and funeral has not yet worn off. When this started to dissipate, in my situation, the feelings and hurt really started to kick in. even tho Clare had died it seemed to be an extension of the 14 months of suffering that she had gone through. It is only now that it is dawning on me that the adrenaline is wearing off ,and l am being forced into a new chapter which is horribly real and sober.

Thank you for creating the widow club,

Dominic