Cancer Widow/Widower Club

My husband would have been in his beloved garden all weekend.  Since I lost him in October last year it's gone to seed and looked awful. It was his place and the memories crush me when I  go out there.  I made a big decision and got all available members of my family round for a massive garden clean up then made the first buffet lunch since Andrew.  It was mainly a very happy day and we all felt he would have been chuffed with the result.  I hate, hate, hate the loneliness I feel now. I  want him back well and happy xxx

I too want my husband back. I miss him so much and feel so lonely. At three months in, I felt quite positive but  now missing him more than ever. As I said previously, I need an outlet / hobby - but what? I live on my own now (not good with that) as my kids are older and moved out a long time ago. I just seem to want to be on my own  lately with my thoughts. Is this normal? Maybe that is why my GP said to make no changes for at least a year. I thought is was strange but now I can see why as I change my mind about things every other day. Love to you all. xx

I was part of this group in 2011 following the death of my husband of 36 years to a brain tumour. It was the most terrible time for him and he died within a year of being diagnosed at 57 years old. I hadn't received any communication from this site for many years and wasn't going to reply but was drawn to it as my life changed completely when my husband died and I wanted to share my experiences six years down the line.  Everyone says the first year is the worst but as you put on a brave face everyday and struggle through you think it can't get any worsen. I thought the 2nd year was harder as reality really sets in that you are on your own and everyone thinks your coping!  They don't know the nights you cry yourself to sleep and don't want to even go shopping as all you see are couples laughing with each other.

However after the 3rd year I met a wonderful man,  I wasn't looking for a relationship but it developed and he was very understanding of my situation. My grown up son and daughter were very supportive and now another 3 years down the line we are still together and my life is full again.  The past cannot be changed and I have wonderful memories and still think of my husband every day but life is for living . 

It does get easier,  I know how hard it is and you just want to die too but it takes time to start to live again.  

Nobody that has not been through this grief can understand just how hard it is.

Love to everyone who has lost their life long partners.  Linda M 

Thank you Linda, this has given me a glimmer of hope for my future. At the moment I don't see any point of going on. My two girls are grown up and I hate going home to an empty house every night. No text asking me what time I'll be home, no worrying about what to cook for dinner. I miss everything about my former life (nearly 6 months in). It's so lonely and isolating. Everybody else seems to just be getting on with their lives and I'm just stuck

Mazza, I could have written that myself. People keep telling me to get a hobby but I have no idea what I'd like to do. I've forgotten who I am as an individual because I was part of a couple. My hobby was being with Geoff. My children also left home a year ago and have their own lives to lead. They don't realise how lonely and isolated I am. God when will this misery end 

Hi

Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no right or wrong way to cope with this.  All the 'good' advice from people who have never experienced this grief have no idea the total emptiness that losing your husband can cause.  You can't just pick yourself up and start again that easily.

It's ok to sit and wallow in your grief and a good cry is normal. Don't think you have to restart your life yet,  you will know when the time is right.  It's still early days for you, take thing slowly.  I went to bereavement counselling at the maggies cancer centre near me and it was the best thing I ever did,  it made me realise I wasn't going mad and what I was feeling was normal.  

I know coming home to an empty house is awful, but I used to set myself a little target every week and felt a sense of achievement is I reached it.  Only silly things, but it got me through.  The trick is not to look too far into the future, just take each week as it comes.  Too far ahead is too overwhelming.

Even 6 years down the line, some thought still come to me out of the blue and stop me in my stride.  

You don't get over losing your husband/partner but you learn how to cope with it

Linda X

My bank holiday was busy because I arranged for family to come over and help clear the garden and I made a big buffet lunch. It was so overgrown as it was Andrew's domain and nothing had been done since he died in October.  I don't really feel happy out there, too many memories.  His wellies and gloves are still in the greenhouse where he left them the last time he was well enough to do some work.  Just miss him so so much.

Thanks Linda. I have very little motivation but am trying to get through each day. I never thought it would be this horrendous. After Geoff passed, I booked a holiday in Croatia this month, thinking it would be 6 months and I'd feel better by then. How ridiculous, it feels worse and I really don't want to go. 

I know it's so tough Carrad. I'd do anything to have geoff back. I miss him terribly. 

Unknown said:

I too want my husband back. I miss him so much and feel so lonely. At three months in, I felt quite positive but  now missing him more than ever. As I said previously, I need an outlet / hobby - but what? I live on my own now (not good with that) as my kids are older and moved out a long time ago. I just seem to want to be on my own  lately with my thoughts. Is this normal? Maybe that is why my GP said to make no changes for at least a year. I thought is was strange but now I can see why as I change my mind about things every other day. Love to you all. xx