Cancer Widow/Widower Club

Still miss my Steve so much. My family want me to go home for a holiday (been about 15 years) and at times I think "Yes, I can do it" only to wake up the next day to think, No, I don't want to leave the security of our home. Emotions change every day as you all know. Day at a time I guess. Love and peace to all of us. Peace of mind is what we all need. xx

Well I bit the bullet last night (after a few drinks I must admit) and text my sister to tell her that I am not  coping. Bless her, she is flying down to see me next Saturday. I usually like to be strong but for once I admit I need company and family understanding to get me through this. Most people think that after 5 months, I should be moving on. Just not happening and I guess a few of  you feel the same. Unless they have been in our position then they just won't get it. I feel more motivated tonight knowing my big sister will be here  next week. Love to you all.  xx

Hello ladies, I too used this site quite a lot in 2011 following the death of my wife from ovarian cancer and I recognise and completely understand all of your collective comments relating to losing the love of your life. Some of you may have read the posts from 2011 ... I am Trevz and I was experiencing exactly the same awful feelings that you ladies are living with right now.  It is so very, very hard to watch the world with all its happy couples continue with their lives together oblivious to our enforced exit from ours into a solitary existence.

Almost six and a half years on I still ache for the life we once had, but, on the whole, I am in a much better place now ... they say time is a great healer, I disagree! I do not feel particularly healed as such. What time has done for me is allow me to develop and hone my coping strategies to enable me to gradually grab life by the horns and live it to the fullest extent that I can. I've found new interests and hobbies ... some that I tried didn't work out but others did and they led me to a few lifelines .... meeting new people, making new friends and developing new relationships.  I won't pretend it was, or is easy but I put no pressure on myself, did it all at my own pace and it's paying off.  

For me the first year of being alone was really tough but on balance I found the second year to be more difficult overall. After that there were still ups & downs and difficult times but gradually things began to improve.

You're all unwilling members of this awful club and I wish you all well in your endeavours to navigate your way through the rocky road of dealing with your grief in the coming weeks, months, years ... it's a hard trek and not one that I thought I could make, but I did and life now feels worthwhile again.  Good luck to you all ... if I can do it so can you ... baby steps! and if you take a wrong turn, as I'm sure everyone will ... just turn back and try another direction.

Take care and lots of love to you all.

Trevz

Hi I do know how you feel, as I promised my husband I would go on holiday when he died,I booked a 3 night self drive break one month after his death, thinking I would feel a little better then.Now its almost 3 weeks since his death and no I dont want to go on holiday.But I must as a promise is a promise and I also feel that once I have done it I will feel better.I do hope I am right. I am dreading going into the dinning room and eating alone, and I must go into the bar and order a drink,silly things I know but I dont want to do it.But I will and so must you.Your husband would want you to, and to have a life without him I am sure.Take the plunge and then write to me that you have done it. Hugs and best wishes to you pennineroamer.

Hi Mazza, I'm glad you reached out to your sister. I'm like you that I don't like to ask for help until I'm at my wits end. It's so tough this journey x

Thank you Trevz, I have been told a few times that the 2nd year is tougher. I never realised how tough grief would be and how quickly people move on. I think it's because we wear a mask and others think we're better. I don't think I'll ever be better x

Thank you Linda, for that. I'm glad you have found happiness again.  I'm seven months on and have been coping pretty well recently, out and about, doing stuff and only having a little occasional weep.  However,  last night in bed, for no particular reason I had a complete meltdown, howling for Andrew and shouting "Why? Why? Why?".  So strange how this new unwanted life takes you. Okay today, but feeling slightly bitter. Carolyn x

Four days after Andrew's funeral I made myself take a train trip to York, stayed overnight in a little hotel and went to a proper restaurant for a proper meal with wine.  I felt it was important to challenge myself and, other than the tears when I later relaxed in the bath, I had a rather pleasant time.  No-one there knew about my earth-shattering loss, No-one looked at me with pity and sadness and asked how I was .  I was just me.  I have made myself do a lot of little challenges since then from going on our usual beach walk alone to running (well, walking!) the Race for Life in Andrew's name.  It's taken me seven months but last week I visited the lovely place where we scattered  his ashes.  Lots of tears but a sense of achievement and feeling brave, as indeed he was so so brave through the he'll is two years of his lung cancer.

Mazza,  I don't know if you do any crafts, but it may be worth looking at your local library or tourist info, etc if there are any workshops or clubs you could attend.  I was already part of a lovely yarn shop club and the ladies there were so kind when I  had my loss, some of them were already widows and they understood my pain, sharing theirs.  I teach crochet at the shop and it makes me feel that I  can still be useful to others. Even going regularly to a favourite coffee shop can be nice thing to do. Take a book or something to write in. You would be in the company of other people but not having to interact too much if you didn't want to, though you may strike up another regular or two to pass the time of day with.

Trevz, I  did read your earlier posts and am glad you are still moving forward. Carolyn xxx

Unknown said:

Four days after Andrew's funeral I made myself take a train trip to York, stayed overnight in a little hotel and went to a proper restaurant for a proper meal with wine.  I felt it was important to challenge myself and, other than the tears when I later relaxed in the bath, I had a rather pleasant time.  No-one there knew about my earth-shattering loss, No-one looked at me with pity and sadness and asked how I was .  I was just me.  I have made myself do a lot of little challenges since then from going on our usual beach walk alone to running (well, walking!) the Race for Life in Andrew's name.  It's taken me seven months but last week I visited the lovely place where we scattered  his ashes.  Lots of tears but a sense of achievement and feeling brave, as indeed he was so so brave through the he'll is two years of his lung cancer.

Mazza,  I don't know if you do any crafts, but it may be worth looking at your local library or tourist info, etc if there are any workshops or clubs you could attend.  I was already part of a lovely yarn shop club and the ladies there were so kind when I  had my loss, some of them were already widows and they understood my pain, sharing theirs.  I teach crochet at the shop and it makes me feel that I  can still be useful to others. Even going regularly to a favourite coffee shop can be nice thing to do. Take a book or something to write in. You would be in the company of other people but not having to interact too much if you didn't want to, though you may strike up another regular or two to pass the time of day with.

Trevz, I  did read your earlier posts and am glad you are still moving forward. Carolyn xxx

Hi Sarahjh,  Trying to get on with things. My whole house needs decorating and friends have done all of downstairs, (apart from the kitchen) hall, landing and bathroom and one bedroom. They have had things going on recently so it's been delayed a couple of months.  Hopefully manage to get the other bedrooms done and new fitted wardrobes in main bedroom. Can't wait to get it all done as couldn't do any painting etc for 7 years as my husband had four brain tumours, so the fumes would have affected him. My garden (which I love) is up to date at the moment so that gives me some pleasure.  Hoping once my sister has been and gone that I may feel a bit more positive. Yes it is a tough journey and one none of us want to take. Some days I feel positive and others not, although I was warned to expect it. I feel redundant as I cared for him for years, gave up work to do so and was only able to leave the house twice a week for four hours. He couldn't be left alone for fear of seizures and falls, of which he had many over the years. The only good thing about all of this is that he isn't suffering anymore. We will one day (hopefully) look back and smile at the happy times. Just not yet.  x