From feeling in control to am i going to be ok?

Hi Bex1972!  I just wanted to drop by and to say that I could have written your post myself!  I'm 47 too and have just finished 10 months of chemo, surgery and rads for Triple Negative Breast Cancer. However, like you, I don't feel out of the woods yet and am waiting for a second MRI scan on a small lesion on my liver this month, to determine whether it's stable.  One minute I feel positive that I can beat this, and the next I'm totally overwhelmed and fearing that my life will be over in 6 months.  What I have done since finishing treatment is to start practising mindfulness with an online coach via Zoom.  It's early days but whenever I get upset I tell myself to stop and focus on my breathing and being in the here and now.  Maybe it could help you too if you haven't tried it before?  Chemo has put me into menopause so and my body is so sore, like you I imagine every ache and pain to be the cancer back but I have been told by two oncologists that it's more than likely due to lack of oestrogen.  As you say, you don't know yet that it IS recurrent cancer and scan do have a habit of picking up on benign and harmless features in our bodies which have been there all along! (I have a hemanginoma on my spine which was picked up on the CT scan I had in August and is perfectly harmless). I think all we can do is to try and appreciate the small blessings each day brings and to take things slowly and not rush ahead...easier said than done I know.  I really hope that the results of your PET scan are reassuring and will be thinking of you.  Take care and here if you need to vent!  Sarah x

Hi Sarah,

What a fantastic reply, thank you so much.

I've just read your post out loud to my husband, and with tears in my eyes, was reassured and didn't feel quite so alone. I am definitely interested in the mindfulness exercises and i will be checking that out. Yesterday i read some uplifting stories of hope on here and it made me feel so much better, but then woke up this morning and I'm back to the 'what if this is my last Christmas' feeling, mixed in with 'i don't even know it IS back yet' feelings.

I was worried about my toenails this time last week, as they had become loose, but its so surprising how small things then pale into the background when faced with your future staring back at you!

I think i am also in the menopause, hot flushes and night sweats, and absence of periods. So reassuring that the pains could be due to lack of oestrogen, thank you. Do you have family around you? I don't have children, just hubby and me, and my Mum who also had breast cancer last year, it was a different type, but she is now in remission. In fact i found my lump the week after she had been given the year all clear. Weird what life throws at you along the way.

Do you take any meds now, like Herceptin or Tamoxifen? 

It has helped so much reading your reply, please do let me know when you have your MRI scan, i also will be thinking of you.

Thank you so much for your support, with Covid ruining everything at the moment, it's so important to grab any kind of contact and support we can.

Going to try to keep busy, always lots of housework to do!

Please take care, hope to hear from you soon.

Beckie x

Hi Bex, it's natural to have those feelings. all we can do is stack the odds in our favour by adopting diet/lifestyle changes to minimise recurrence risk and/or make our bodies as inhospitable to cancer as possible. If you're familiar with the evidence based site NutritionFacts(dot)org by Dr Greger it has lots of info on there regarding breast cancer and what the studies show. You may wish to take a look at it.

Hi All,

I’ve just found this thread and glad I did. I’m 42 and have recently begun treatment. I’m usually pretty positive but have had similar feelings recently of wondering why I haven’t had a bone scan, only the breast MRI. What if something is lurking elsewhere! I haven’t voiced this to my hubby (no children) as don’t want to worry him further. So this is the first time ‘I’ve said it out loud’! So thanks Bex1972 for posting and to all who have responded as it’s really helped knowing that these feelings are quite normal! 
Sending hugs  

CC xx

Hi daydreamer,

I'm sure that the oncologists know when they do all the preliminary tests that we start 'afresh' so to speak before our treatments. I think sometimes our minds are programmed to think the worst of a situation, but like you, reading positive stories on here help to raise spirits.

I really wish you all the best for your treatment and journey, i have my meeting regarding the PET scan results tomorrow, of course i am swaying between 'it can't be anything surely' to 'what if its bad news'. 

I'm not expecting a good night's sleep tonight!

Stay in touch, take care.

Beckie x

Thanks Beckie, I think you’re right. The human mind is a complex thing! 

I’ve downloaded an app called ‘Slumber’ there are a few free mediations and stories on there which have helped me drift off to sleep. 

All the best for your scan results tomorrow. Will be thinking of you x