My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hello everyone. I have been keeping myself busy for the last few days. I am having a problem knowing that in June last year Chris and I were trying to make the most of the time before he was to have his 'big op' at the beginning of July. It is upsetting me because I just keep wandering why we put Chris through all that. He never healed. He was very ill through the whole of July and almost needed another operation. He came home just after our 31st wedding anniversary after 3 weeks in hospital. He was ill through August and had to go back in in September for another operation on one of his wounds. Why did we do it? He never got a moments peace from the day of that operation and died 10 months later. I remember the consultant telling Chris in June that if he didn't have the operation he would be very ill with the cancer again in 9 months. He agreed to the operation but died in 10 months instead. I am not saying it was wrong for him to have the operation because we had to try to save him. It might have worked. It just wears me out when I think about the 10 months leading up to his death. I don't really know what I am trying to say I just know I am upset and it is that that is doing it. I think that is why I am keeping myself so busy because I know these are not good things to dwell on. I don't know what the answer is so for now I will just keep busy. Sorry this is a miserable post. Take care. Ailsa x

Canda1977

I have read your posts and profile...you have been through so much.

I noticed this thread because my wife died on 3rd May this year. She wanted to die in my arms but she passed so peacefully I didn't know she was gone for a few minutes. I was with her in the room and had been with her 24/7 for the last week or so of her short life. She died surrounded by the everyday sounds of family life. Our children were with us in the room at the hospice and I was chatting to them and they were just getting on with things as children/teenagers do. We noticed Jane had gone very quiet and went over to her. She was not cold, nor had she changed colour but I could sense she wasn't breathing and seemed too still. I thing she knew it was time to go after holding on so long and, like your husband, having radical treatment in the hope it would give her a little more time with us. Finally, when she could hear us quietly getting on with life she allowed herself to slip away. I know she was worried about what effect actually seeing her dead or during the act of dying would have on the kids but it was as peaceful as anyone could hope for.

Hi Helen and Ailsa

I'm so sorry you've both been having such a hard time recently. Ailsa its so hard but you can't beat yourself up about things. You would always have wanted to do anything that could potentially help the time you had together or work as a treatment. If you were like us doing nothing was never an option even if it was recommended by the doctors. I'm having a hard time at the moment as I blame myself for not spotting the mole that lead to all of this and I can't remember what I said when Matt first pointed it out to me did I tell him not to be stupid or did I tell him to go to the doctors? I really, really can't remember and I'm finding that really tough but speaking to his family about it they are saying the same thing to me I can't change what happened and I will have done what I thought best at the time.

I've been doing my normal traveling round and pretending this isn't really happening to me. I'm home for a full week now and tonight is my first alone for ages so I'm not looking forward to it. Definitely think wine and chocolate will be in order plus a big box of tissues to hand. Being with friends I hardly cry but on my own I'm a mess. I find it hard being at home as it reminds me there is so much still to deal with here.

Got my work meeting tomorrow to discuss going back. I'm absolutely terrified about work its just going to make everything so real and make me miss Matt all the more.

Huge hugs going to you both and all reading this. Will let you know how I survive the night.

Gin xxx

Hi all xxx

Ailsa I think we all wonder what if? Paul spent most of last year having biopsies, chemo and radiotherapy but we were trying to get rid weren`t we? Would we have done it any differently....I don`t know ???

Can`t believe it has been 6 weeks since Paul died. Daughter (15) is suffering at the moment, quite down and not looking forward to Fathers Day. Mother in law has invited us for lunch on Sunday.

Ginny...work has really helped me on bad days. Kept me busy!! Hope you get through tonight, another milestone!! Enjoy your wine and chocolate xxx

Speak soon

Helen xxx

I find the nights the hardest time too. I went back to work almost straight away after Jane's funeral. This was mainly due to guilt after all the time I had off during her illness. I was fine at work, so busy no time to think about anything. Then at home I am looking after three kids (teenagers) so in the evenings putting on a brave face for them, seeing to housework, ferrying round to clubs etc..but then when I am knackered and get off to bed it is the only time I have to mull over things and I miss Jane the most in our bedroom. We had our loft converted a few years back and now our bedroom is like our own little "pad" with en-suite etc..We used to hide away up here to get away from the kids and chill out together. It was our private space and now it feels so empty without her. I have spent most nights crying myself to sleep cuddling one of her tops that still smells of her. I have also been waking up really early and lying here just thinking. In the end I went to the doctors. He offered to sign me off work for six weeks but i felt thet was too long. i have been off for a couple of weeks now but might go back monday to stay off a bit longer. As you will tell from my posts I am far from "ok" still. Everyone at work were a bit shocked when I went off sick i was told they thought Im was coping really well
. Well I was at work but you have to let it out and work was stopping me doing that except at night -which was stopping me getting a decent sleep. The doctor also gave me some heavy duty sleeping pills but I only took one and it messed me up the next day. When I read the leaflet it put me right off taking them. I have them if I need them but will avoid them if possible - seems that they can lead to more problems if you are not careful. i was feeling really down earlier today but this site has made me feel a bit more positive. I know I will cope long term. i am in touch with my feminine side and am not the sort of guy that is afraid to show his emotions...good job really. Jane always gently teased me about crying over soppy films...I'm the sort that gets weepy when Lassie goes lame! All I know is that if I wasn't able to let this all out in short bouts of crying I would probably explode of do some thing stupid. I try not to dwell on negative feelings but even the best memories I can summon up reduce me to tears. I try to remember that Jane lived a wonderful life, she crammed so much into such a short life (she was just 38) and I only had her for 13 years but boy what years they were. In other circumstances I may not have met her or had any time with her so I am greatful for what we did have.

Well it is the weekend again, so tired this week. Need a lie in tomorrow!!!

Going out for a meal with friends tonight, hopefully will be more successful than my last night out.

Been to buy father`s day cards for father in law, didn`t want to put kids through it but I found it hard seeing the `husband` cards. Kept it contolled until I got into the car. More tears!!!!

Helen xxxx

Hi Helen. I hope the meal out went better this time. I think I might be going to a local pub tonight for a drink so we will see how my first jaunt works out. The kids and I are going to Chris's grave for fathers day tomorrow and then on for a meal with my mum & dad for fathers day. I am looking forward to it because although it is tough for us all without Chris my dad deserves to be spoiled. Have a relaxing weekend. Ailsa xxx

Hi Ailsa we had a lovely night thanks. Close friends and a lovely meal xxx

Feel a bit better about Fathers Day myself now, just been to our local garden centre and bought a victoria plum tree for Paul`s present. He bought me one years ago on Mothers Day but we had to leave it in last house so me and the children are going to plant it in our garden for Paul tomorrow xxx

Bought his dad a shrub that flowers in May (to remind him of Paul) and also has a red berry through the winter - Paul`s birthday is November and he was a Liverpool supporter. I know what I mean lol!!!

Have a nice night tonight, hope everyone else is ok this weekend too

Helen xxx

Hi

Currently in middle of first whole day totally on my own and surviving so far!! Another busy week car servicing and seeing friends. Work meeting went well hoping to be able to do some work from home and going to go back in couple weeks as plans to see more people next week and weekend! Feeling good today don't know why but not going to argue. Hope everyones weekend is ok as we didn't have kids (wish we did but not going to go there now) fathers day not been too hard other than trying to decide if I should send matts dad a card have done in the end although hope it doesn't upset him too much.

Have a nice night out Helen I've had a number of them now and some are fine and others are strange but I always believe its what Matt would want me to do rather than sit home alone.

Take care all

Gin xxx