My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Sue and helen. Happy birthday Helen. I'm sure you will enjoy your meal with the children. It will be hard to celebrate without Paul but I know they would each want us to try to enjoy ourselves and remember past, fun birthdays. It is my birthday at the end of the month and I know that will be hard too.

Chris's van failed it's MOT today but the problems have been fixed and it is booked in again tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed!

I taxed Chris's van as disabled just a week before he died and then had to change it back. I had to go to a local DVLA office to change it back as Post Offices can only change it to disabled but not back again. I also had to change the insurance as even though I was a named driver on Chris's policy it was void once he died. I have done that and put my son on as a named driver. That put the cost up be nearly 4 times! It is a big van so I am hoping that Stuart decides he doesn't want to keep it after all and then I can sell it. I can drive it but I don't like to.

I hope you manage to find your MOT certificate Sue.

I don't think I feel any better yet but I have become used to feeling a bit down this week. I'm crying very easily and I think it is the realisation that this is how it is going to be. Tomorrow is the day Chris should have finished the chemo he was having to try to control the cancer. I think that is getting me down. I can remember marking each cycle out on a calendar and working out that we would not get to know whether it had worked until maybe July so even if it didn't work I would have him for the summer. I never bargained on him having to stop and then dying so fast. I think tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. I will try to pull myself together after tomorrow. Take care everyone. Ailsa x

Hello everyone. I didn't post yesterday because I was a mess and it wouldn't have come out well at all. I am feeling better today. It was entirely down to the fact that Chris should have been in for his final 5 day chemo cycle and yesterday was the day I should have brought him home. I realised yesterday that not only was I thinking about Chris constantly but I could only think about the very ill Chris that needed those chemo cycles to have any chance. It turned out to be no chance at all. By teatime yesterday I was a wreck and nothing was going to fix it except getting past yesterday.

Good things happened yesterday as well - Chris's van passed it's MOT! My son, Stu, got a new job. He is not happy where he is and had been looking since before Chris died so I am very proud of him for getting the job. He was first choice as well! He has gone off to the Download Festival with friends to celebrate - think it is best if I don't see that!

What a 'mare we are all having with MOT's. Ginny - I am just doing the girlie thing and getting a friends husband to take care of it. I'm good at a lot of things to compensate. It wouldn't do for me to be perfect would it?! Most men don't know much about cars either but they are not so inclined to get ripped off by garages so I figure that if I send a man to do it that's good.

Sue - all I can say about your MOT is thank goodness you found out before you were stopped. I'm sure they would have gone easy on you though. I hope you either know about cars or know someone who does.

I'm glad you had a good birthday Helen - gives me hope for mine in a couple of weeks. The holiday is exactly what you deserve. I have just booked for the kids and I to go away for a week - nowhere near as exotic as yours - we are going camping for a week at the bank holiday. We like camping and Chris asked us all to go together in 4 tents so we are.

Libby you have a little bit of time to go yet until your birthday. I am sure Paul would have wanted you to celebrate it so maybe there is enough time for you to think about the best way to do it that won't upset you more than is inevitable. It will be hard but maybe you can work out how to make it less hard. I am not looking forward to mine but I realise that other people will want to make a fuss of me purely because Chris has died. I am sorry to hear your grandma died on your birthday last year but I hope you can try to do something nice this year for your 40th.

The sun is out again here. I am going to have a nice bath and some tea and then meet my Mum & Dad for a pub quiz. Take care everyone. Ailsa x