My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 15 years ago

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My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening everyone

Well Father`s Day is nearly over. Wasn`t too bad, few tears this morning but had lovely lunch at mother and father in laws. Father in law was pleased with his cards and present. We came home and planted Paul`s tree, son and daughter did the hard work of the digging!!

Also called into church where Paul and I got married and both the children were christened. They have got a lovely garden where you can bury your ashes with a small plaque and vase so going to make enquiries about having Paul`s ashes buried there.

Ginny, hope Matt`s Dad was pleased with his card.

Ailsa hope your Fathers Day went well for your dad and you and your family xxx

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

I have had a rather nice Fathers day. My kids tried to make a fuss of me. I am astounded how well they are getting on with things. The older two are teenagers so you could expect them to be completely wrapped up in there own lives. But even my youngest son (10) is coping really well. His teacher said she would not know he was going through anything. I asked him the other day if he was ok and he said he was fine and why wouldn't he be. I'm glad they are doing so well and expect that they will find it harder to cope in the future what the fact they have lost their mum hits home. Perhaps Jane's long illness prepared them and the memory boxes she made for each of them have helped. I thought I was prepared too but it has still hit me harder than I expected. Can anyone tell me what to expect with the kids in the future.

The only issue I have been having is with my 15 yr old daughter who seems to think she is now head of the household. There is a bit of a power struggle going on. I have the uper-hand today as I have confiscated her mobile phone but not sure how long that will last I sense she is calling for reinforcements on MSN with calls that I am being "so harsh" and "unfair".

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi
to you all, Lately I am having a hard time with everything..
I cant shake this terrible cold which I have since I do not even remember.
I miss Paul terribly, He was the one to give me strength when I was feeling poorly. Fathers day was quite upsetting but we send to our daddy two beautiful balloons in a shape of star.
The rest of day I just couldn't do anything. I spent most of the day in our garden. Paul loved to go to garden center.If he could he would buy so many fruit trees or raspberry or strawberry...anything just to plant some fruit in our garden.
Hellen when you mentioned the garden and ashes buried there next to church, that was such a coincident.
We have got a church here with a lovely garden behind. I was there last week to see where we going to put Paul's ashes. They use the small plaque too. I definitely want to do that but sometimes I feel i cant let it go...
Its going to be another think in church and I do not have strength to do that yet. I am afraid that if I want do that soon I want be able to do it. This is our church where we used to go together I know Paul would be happy to be there but I just cant let him go....please help me
Libbyx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Good evening everyone. I think Fathers day has left each of us with very mixed feelings. I had a good day on the whole. The kids and I went to the cemetry at lunchtime. We had lamenated the cards and fixed them securely in amongst the flowers I have planted on Chris's grave. They look lovely and Chris looked cared for. After that we went with my Mum & Dad to Frankie & Benny's for food. We had a really nice time and I am glad we were able to spoil my Dad a bit. However when everyone had gone home by about 8pm I was just in floods of tears. It was like I had been holding them back all day so that no one else would cry. I miss him so much.

I hope Matt's Dad liked his card Ginny - I am sure he will have even if it upset him. He, like us, is allowed to be upset even when he is glad something nice has happened. You returning to work sounds promising - I found the first 2 weeks difficult and I don't think there is any way round that. The third week was a little better. I am still very tired as I have good nights and bad nights but the routine is good for me.

It must be so hard to figure out whether a teenage girls behaviour is normal teenage angst or her way of coping with losing her Mum. I don't envy you Marrsy. I have no advice I'm afraid as my children are older.

Libby - the only help I can give when it comes to making the decision about burying Paul's ashes is from my own experience. Chris wanted to be buried. He was afraid of being cremated. That gave me no choice about hanging onto ashes and having to make a decison about parting with them. Chris was buried as part of his funeral. I have to say now that I am very glad he is in what I see as a safe place where I can go to visit him. When I am having a bad day I go home via the cemetry and sit quietly talking to him or reading. I can't have the headstone put on for 6 months as the grave is old (Chris's brother and Dad have been buried there already). It might subside and fall over if it is put back now. Instead I have planted flowers on the grave and find it calming to tend the flowers. If you have a chance to put Paul's ashes somewhere that you see as safe and somewhere where you feel safe and a place where you both went together I think you might find it calming. It also allows other members of Paul's family to visit him when they are having a bad time. I have a friend who still has her husband's ashes 20 months after he died and she is beginning to worry about that now and is finding it difficult to decide what to do. She feels guilty that she still has them. You don't have to make a decison now but if the church is a place you enjoy going it may help you to feel Paul is safely there.
Good night all. Ailsa xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Helen - I hit the submit button when I was reading my post back - my own fault for writing so much I have to read it back!!! You sound very happy with the thought of burying Paul's ashes at the church. It sounds like a nice place. I think it has really helped me to have somewhere to go to be with Chris. The tree sounds like a nice idea. After Chris died I was given a tree by my colleagues at work. Then my son's girlfriend gave me a rose in memory of Chris called Red Devil (he is a manchester united fan) and my mum & dad gave me a red rhodedenron (spelling1?1) because it flowers in May. I think they are all a lasting memory and I like having them to look after.

Take care. Ailsa xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Evening everyone

Just checking up on you all before I go to bed xxx

Marrrsy my 17 year old was a bit like that the first week Paul died, I felt like I was the child!!?? I just told him he didn`t have to be `the man` we could all look after each other. Someone had advised him to be the man now, not always the best advice. My 15 year old daughter looks after me but she`s needed me more this last week leading up to Fahter`s Day.

Babo, good to hear from you but sorry you`re not feeling great. The balloon sounds a lovely idea xxx We have too many similarities don`t we, not just with Paul`s name xxx

Ailsa, I called into the undertakers earlier, they are going to collect the ashes for me as son and daughter want them at home for a while. Not sure if the church is going to be an option as we`re not in the parish anymore even though we married there. They are going to speak to the vicar and ask him anyway, keep your fingers crossed xxx

Night all

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello canda1977, yes they are normal feelings. I lost my wife to breast cancer on the 10th feb '08 aged 45. she had a really bad time with chemo and all the side effects, she died from secondary liver cancer (spine and lung), and my head was and still is all over the place. I can't sleep and think of her every minute of the day. Also my poor mum died of lung cancer on mothers day this year(2009). She was diagnosed in Oct '08, so it all happened quick. All I can say to you is "hang on in there and be strong for your husband". I know my wife and my mum would not want me feeling like I do. I hope this helps knowing you are not alone in how you feel. This is my first time here and hope to write again, all the best to everyone living with this horrid disease.

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Good evening everyone. It is nice to hear from you Aries62. You have had a tough time these last few years. Thank you for reasuring me that what I feel is normal and that I am not alone. It is good to know. I was so sorry to read about your wife and your mum. I will watch out for your next posts.

I think I am wearing myself out even more than I was. I feel so tired but I am always planning what I am going to do next. I am very well aware that I could burn myself out but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I have done some good things - I have finally made 152 text messages from Chris safe tonight. I could not make my phone connect to my PC but Chris's phone would. So I have forwarded all the messages to Chris's phone and then saved them onto the PC and printed a copy. I am very pleased with myself but it has taken hours and I have quite a headache now. Still, the messages are safe now so I might find a way to relax. Everytime a do another job I wander if I will be able to relax now - no joy so far but watch this space.

Helen - I will keep my fingers crossed for you with the Vicar and the Church. I have been to Chris's grave again today and it really does help me to have somewhere to go where I feel close to Chris and no-one looks oddly at me for just standing there or even sitting down and reading a book.

Well I must go and do something about this headache. Take care everyone. Ailsa xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi to you all, canda1977 sorry to hear you have a headache, be careful not wear yourself out though. It sort of happened to me shortly after my wife died. I just collapsed at the bottom of the stairs 12 o'clock at night with my 10 year old son fast asleep and no one else in the house. As for the phone, my phone just gave up with all the messages from my wife on it, can't get to them!! So now I use my wife's phone and you've guessed it, I'm now reading her messages, what a coincidence eh!! I don't sleep very well either, 'cause all I think about is Di (my wife, then you guessed that didn't you). I didn't work from the middle of December '07-March '08 and when I went back it was really hard to get back in the swing of things, a year or so on I still find it hard, I'm also part time which I hate. When I come home I still expect to see Di opening the door. I've sort of done the opposite to you with my time, I don't do anything with it, I just can't be bothered and hopefully that phase will pass soon, I hope so 'cause I have loads to do. Sorry didn't mean to go on for so long. I hope that when you read this your headache has gone and you feel better. Take care and have a good night to everyone x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Good evening all. My headache went last night with the help of some tablets and some sleep. I need to be careful though because I have spent the whole of this evening still making text messages safe. I have almost finished now but doing this so intently is what gave me the headache in the first place. I can get very obsessed with all things to do with Chris. I have a little more to do but I need my laptop for that so I think it should wait until tomorrow now - I have to be up at 6am for work.

I have read your profile story now Kevin (Aries62). You and your son really have had a tough time losing both your wife and your Mum to this dreadful disease. I am not in the slightest bit surprised that you collapsed at the bottom of the stairs. I am finding work difficult. Going and doing my job is not hard but joining in or getting passionate about anything we are doing is impossible. I feel like I am in my own little bubble just watching everyone else. Luckily I have been there a long time so I know everyone. They are all watching out for me. It is my birthday on Saturday and I think they all know I am finding this a very difficult time. I understand when you say you can't be bothered. My 'can't be bothered' is manifesting itself slightly differently in that I do everything that I must and more, all at 100 miles an hour, in the hope that I will feel happy with what I have gotten through. I never am happy though - no matter how many things I complete I am never pleased - it just seems to fill some time that would go by so slowly otherwise. My husband worked for Royal Mail and they have given me contact details for counselling if I think I need it. I am beginning to think I should ring them to see if they can help me slow down.

Don't worry about 'going on for so long', I do it all the time. Once I start to type I can't seem to stop. It helps me to clear my head. I have always used 20 words where 2 would suffice!! You say you hate working part-time Kevin - do you work part-time to look after your son? Is there any option to work full-time?

I am sure you will start to do the things you need to do when you are ready in just the same way as I hope I slow down when I am ready. I had better get off to bed - take care everyone. Ailsa x

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My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?