Still missing him

Hello SNB

You have just written down exactly how I am feeling right now. I am only 2 years in from losing my husband to bowel cancer in 2023. He was 69 when he passed and just 7 months off his 70th birthday. Yes I get where you're coming from having to do things on your own. I'm 63 this year and we were together for 40 years married for 37 of them. He passed 2 days after our wedding anniversary on the 21st June it was as if he wanted to hold on for just one more anniversary with me before he passed but unfortunately how he was at the end I don't think he even knew what day it was let alone our anniversary and he passed away in hospital and not at home as he wanted. Yes I've had that from `well meaning` people you should do this/that or have you thought about doing this/that thinking is as far as it gets though the incentive is just not there. We did just about everything together without the need to rely on anyone else we both had the same nature in that we were quite private people. I have though, feel that I've moved on slightly from where I was two years ago. I have started to try to take up some of my hobbies again that had to be shelved when my husband was ill. We used to go to the gym together when he retired he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes so we worked on healthy eating and going to the gym. It worked for a little while and then covid happened so that shut the world down. At the end of 2020 his cancer symptoms began to surface and he couldn't stop going to the loo and the rest as they say after that is history. I have gone back to online studying I did this during lockdown when a local college were providing free online study courses and I quite enjoyed it so doing that. I also look after my little granddaughter now and again and I am carer for my older sister who has learning difficulties she lives on her own in sheltered acommodation within walking distance from me. She can do for herself to an extent but needs me for other things. Yes some days it is just an effort to get out the front door but luckily if I need to go anywhere I can drive so I get in my car and just go. It was one of my husbands last wishes that I go back to driving which I couldn't do for a number of years because of ill health myself. He wanted me to have my independence so even in his last days he was still looking out for me. Just keep coming here when you feel you need to. These forums are a godsend when you feel like this. My best wishes to you as you continue to move forwards. Take Care. 

Vicky x

Thank you 

I am sure it will pass but sometimes it does just get you x 

I feel for you I’ve only been 8 weeks without my husband and it’s been hell so far the thought of more years like you’ve had is a difficult thought. I found in my purse earlier today not that I use it much my husband usually carried a wallet a poem he wrote me that it ended up I won’t leave you till my dying day. He wrote that years ago for me and now he’s gone ! It has upset me reading this again ..I have to admit. 

I also found a notepad that i was writing in the weird things that were happening more recently with my husbands health he to didn’t know what day it was towards the end, did things he would never have done when well and those days were challenging and confusing for us both In my book I wrote I NEED HELP but didn’t know how to get it and what to do. He became very agitated within weeks of his death how I wish I could have helped him more I didn’t know then he was close to death.  He did get help in the end in the hospice for a short time and had a peaceful death. 
It’s so hard getting though some days and very challenging. 


I managed a walk again earlier really pushed myself to do this on my own doesn’t help though but now I’m going to get a rest and try to sleep which I know isn’t ideal but it’s what I feel like doing.  

Sounds exactly the way Jay went at the end Toosoon. He too just wasn't aware of his surroundings at all. He declined so quickly about 2 weeks before he passed. He went from sitting up in bed here scrolling through his phone to getting a 4th bout of sepsis then hospitalised again and just never came home after that. Yes you will feel like sleeping a lot as it is still early days for you all part n parcel of the greiving process. Even 2 years on I feel bed is just where I want to retreat to when I feel like that even if it is through the day and just what everyone here is saying lying awake in the early hours sometimes. I am sleeping though because my sister was staying with me last week and she said she could hear me snoring which I unfortunately do and was one of the things that really annoyed Jay he always threatened to record me doing so because I would never believe him and sometimes he had to get up it seems because I was so bad. Miss him telling me off for it though. Take Care. 

Vicky xx