My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

FormerMember over 15 years ago

7970 replies
26 subscribers
1744779 views

My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi everyone

Libby I found I didn`t have the tele on at all when Paul first died, just listened to music.

I am sure the children will keep you going, my two are 15 and 17 and keep me busy but there are times when I feel so lonely.

Ailsa - work has been ok, most of the time. I work with 3 and 4 year olds so don`t have much time to think. Was shattered first day back! Only did the morning yesterday as I went to a funeral, didn`t have a great morning but not sure if that was due to tiredness or the thought of another funeral. Like you say everything feels worse when you`re tired. Everyone has been lovely at work and looking after me.

Had a few tears on the way home on Thursday, just started wishing that Paul would be there when I got home.

Had a nice night in at a friends house last night, a chat and a few drinks. Not sure about the rest of the weekend yet. Probably washing and cleaning!

Love to all, Helen xx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Helen, Ailsa, Libby and Terri-Annie

Its so horrible that so many of us are having to go through all of this. Yesterday was a really bad day. It was the first time I hadn't seen anyone for even a couple of hours in the day and I spent most of it crying although strangely I had a good nights sleep for first time in a while. Probably spending several hours on here helped to make reality sink in. Got friend coming round tonight just incase I need company - which I think I will.

Ailsa its strange isn't how angry I was that little is being done for Melanoma and at least we had trials to go on. I'm so sorry that you didn't have that option. The more you read on here the more you realise just how (insert your own swear word) horrible cancer is. It sounds like Chris was such a strong person you should be proud.

Helen I think you are so brave going to a funeral. Its Matts Great Aunts on friday but I don't think I can go I'm certain I will properly break down. Its hard as his parents have had to organise it all and they have been so upset about Matt to have to go through this so soon after is very unfair even if she was 90.

Helen and Ailsa I'm glad to hear going back to work isn't too scarey. I'm still off for another couple of weeks but know I will have to face it at somepoint. It seems some people in the company know whats happened and others dont. I work in retail and have been in the same store for years as the manager so alot of my customers have been wondering where I am. I'm dreading the first few weeks of having to tell so many people what has happened. The worst bit though is going to be coming home to an empty house. Matt always cooked as I get home so late and would listen to me moaning about my day I'm not sure how I'm going to cope without that.

Libby I know its so hard and I can't imagine how much harder it is with two small children but remember they are a little piece of Paul that you can treasure. As Ailsa says Mums are a formidable force! If people are there to help then let them you don't need to do everything yourself. As for them talking about about Paul Matts nieces asked me the other day where Uncle Matts toothbrush was and then when I was going to get a new husband! I couldn't get upset as they are so young 5 and 2 sometimes the innocence is nice rather than the people who pussyfoot around the subject.

Terri-Annie its so nice that you got to properly talk with your partner in those 6 weeks. I hope you can take comfort from that. Matt pretty much retreated into himself and didn't like to talk much. He had a tumour that affected his vocal chords in the last few months so he could only whisper and got annoyed with having to repeat himself it meant he avoided seeing people but me. Whenever I feel lost and alone I just get on the phone and talk to someone its the only way for me to deal with it even if its not talking about Matt. I hope you have a good network of friends and family who are supporting you as I'm finding that so helpful.

Wow this has been a bit of an epic sorry if anything I've written seems inappropriate I'm new to this and just want to say how I feel to people who understand.

Love Gin xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

hi to everyone thank for your replies i hope you will all bear with me as i get to know u all brains gone to mush at the moment bill n me were toghther 11 years and didnt have children as we both had children from previous marriges i cant imagine how hard it is for you libby wiyh two small children but they must also be of such comfort to you i thought i was strange not having the tele on for a week when bill died but thats seems normal to ive thought about going back to work but at the moment it terrifies me i work in a busy shop i coudnt handle so many people round me i barley go out then i dont know if its because i rarly went out when bill was alive or is it coming to a empty place with one one to talk to ive got family and friends round me so that helps sorry its a bit rambled [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ hugs]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] to all of you terri-annie

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Good morning all. I am optimistic that today may go smoothly. I have enjoyed reading the last few messages from everyone as we get to know a little more about each other. What a month May was and June has been hard work so far. I had a bit of a shopping treat yesterday with my son and his girlfriend. I have had my eyes tested (something I never had time for while Chris was ill) and ordered some nice new glasses and sunglasses. So I hope the sun comes out again. I also bought guitar hero and 2 guitars for the Wii. That cheered us all up last night!

On a practical note I heard that I will be getting the bereavement payment from the state in the next few days. I have also been told about a bereavement allowance for people my age, not bring up children, that may be paid for 52 weeks. It looks like that should be covered in the same BB1 form I filled out for the payment so I presume it may be automatic. If I don't hear anything next week I will ring round and ask. Those of us under 45 and still bringing up children need to claim the widowed parents allowance but I think the process is similar. It still seems such a minefield trying to sort all these things out. I am getting very annoyed with one bank in particular who are very insensitive.

Ginny - it sounds like you had a similar Friday to me. Mostly spent alone. I hadn't realised how hard that would hit me. I hope your Saturday with friends went well and you had a laugh.

I think it was very brave of you to go to the funeral on Thursday Helen. I know we often don't have a choice in these things when it is someone close. Like Ginny I have opted out of a funeral since Chris died. My brother-in-laws father-in-law died 2 weeks after Chris. I offered to help with arrangements but would not attend. I sorted out the music they needed from downloads. Poor Tony had to attend to support his wife and mother-in-law but I know he found it very hard so soon after losing his younger brother.

I am spending some of today with a friend from work. I am trying to get my head in the right place to go back to work next week. The problem is the same everyday - coming home to an empty house. I often go home via the cemetry so I have a few minutes with Chris before I go home. Tomorrow I am going to see a solicitor to get my own will written after work - yet another practicality sorted out.

Take care everyone - there is still time to relax a little over the weekend and I think we all need some rest and recovery time. Ailsa x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi

Its the widows pension that you can claim for 52 weeks if your partner has died and you don't have children. However being only 30 I'm not entitled to it as you have to be over 45. Who decided on that rule I've no idea I don't understand how I'm supposed to be better off than people over 45? My friend who is a lawyer says I should try to sue for age discrimination!

Yesterday was a bit better. I started sorting through photos so I can put together an album for myself and his family and it reminded me of lots of good times even though it was very sad. I'm going away for 3 nights today with a friend so hopefully it will help take my mind off everything for a while.

Take care all Gin xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Morning

Ailsa my main driving force to go to the funeral was that Paul would have wanted to go, son and daughter were very brave and came too. A chance for another cry too!! Nice to see Paul`s friends also, even though it was only 3 weeks after Paul`s funeral. While we were at the crem me and the children also had a look at the monument there where you can lease a plaque as I still haven`t decided what to do with Paul`s ashes. I haven`t picked them up yet.

I have been so tired this weekend,had a lazy day yesterday. Few bits to do today and might do some gardening now it`s stopped raining.

It`s my birthday on Tuesday which I have got mixed feelings about, will have a bit of a party with the children at work (we always take a cake in for the children and the staff) and I have booked a table at a lovely greek restaurant near us with son and daughter. Going out with friends at a later date to celebrate mine and a friends. Wish Paul was here for it but he wouldn`t have been able to come out with us as he had been on a liquid diet since October and eating out wasn`t an option for him sadly, something we used to enjoy so much.

Have a good Sunday everyone

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Ginny

We must have been posting at the same time!

The rules are crazy! Have a lovely time away, it will do you good.

I sorted photos for Paul`s funeral and was ok but looking at some last week really made me cry, especially the latest ones where he lokeed poorly. Sure I will do it again some time and smile xxx

Helen xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Helen,
When I read the post and you say things about your Paul I feel so close to it. Reading the name in your post makes me so .....wanting my Paul to be back.
I cant stop thinking about Paul. I feel like two people. One part of me cant stop thinking about Paul Its like a life story going in my head and other part try to get on with my life.
Even Franchesca today, said lets give pudding to daddy too. He likes it a lot. So we pretended that daddy was having pudding with us. She likes that game but it makes me so uneasy. Sometimes I think I am getting crazy but I am doing it for my little ones. Hope is nothing wrong about that and wont effect her in some ways....
Life is so difficult. Till than before my husband was diagnosed we lived such a normal life. Now I do not know where I am going............
Thank you to all
Love LibbyX

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hello everyone. Another day nearly over. I think I am getting a bit more down. I have been very tearful today and I think it started over the weekend. I have a few things to sort out and I suddenly began to feel very vulnerable. A friend is going to MOT Chris's van but over the weekend I couldn't get hold of him and I realised I have no idea what to do about MOTs and the like. Then I began to worry about the responsibility of making the correct decision about money and savings. I seemed to do a lot of things that made me aware that I don't have Chris to run things by. I know I have other people only too willing to help me and be sounding boards but I want Chris and I can't have him. I admit I chucked my teddy out of the playpen good and proper. I spoke to my son about it this afternoon and he told me how badly he was missing his Dad. I don't feel as bad for being sulky now but I still feel scared about a future without Chris.

Ginny - I can't figure out why the widows pension is only paid to people widowed when they are over 44 either. It is beyond me. I am curious to know why someone thinks you need any less financial help than me or I need any more than you! I hope you enjoy your few days away.

We all seem to be doing things that bother and upset us because we would have done with our partners before.

Libby - you are having a tough time. The children must be such a distraction and a reason for doing things but they are so innocent with thier questions and the games they want to play. I don't think you need to worry that you are badly affecting Franchesca by playing along with her games. What has happened is confusing for her but as she gets older she will understand better. Like you I have no idea what happens to me next without Chris. Things will never be like they were before he was ill again but I don't know how long it will take for my head to deal with that. I have found that talking to someone about how I feel helps a bit. Sometimes I don't feel better for long but usually I feel at least a little better. Do you have someone you can talk to about your different feelings?

Take care everyone. Ailsa x

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Dear Ailsa,
Sorry that you're going through a bit of a 'wobble' at the moment. I know the feeling - it's the little things like the MOTs and suchlike that really hit home. That feeling of vulnerability is one with which I think many of us can identify. I've found that doing one small thing at a time has been the way for me, but it's exhausting! How pathetic is that! I can't find my MOT certificate and I'm pretty sure it's run out, so I'll set myself that task for tomorrow - find it and sort it. I do feel a small sense of achievement whenever i manage to get something done, but it's a steep hill to climb.
keep on climbing , Ailsa - we may well slip back a bit from time to time, but we WILL get there. We have
to.
Sue x

More from this forum

My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?