My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi, all my lovely penguins, just a quick 'dip in the water'.  Over 8 months on and thought I was doing well, but now seem to have acquired a lot of anger over the last few days.  Am angry with friends and family for no reason at all.  I know I was angry at the beginning, only natural.  But why now. I am having to be so careful not to upset anyone.  What is wrong with me,  oh yes I know, I am grieving.  But I thought I had got through the anger.  Such pent up emotion, such terrible feelings.  Such missing him.  Where has it all come from...........

Oh my dear and lovely penguins, what is it in the air?  Pam these emotions come and go, up and down and over and over again so don't be surprised if the anger is back, maybe it will help you to release something if you can just go with it.  I don't know if I did the angry stage, I just kept thinking I couldn;t be angry with Steve because he never wanted to go and he was just as sad as us, then that left no where to direct the anger to so maybe it's lurking inside still and will come out one day unexpectedly.  Ailsa big hug my love, panic attacks can be frightening but you seem to be keeping control of them well, do you still have another counselling session that you are allowed?  Maybe now might be the time to see if you can get booked in and talk through these feelings and things, I know you got quite a lot of help from your counsellor last time you went. 

For me too feelings are all over the place, tonight I feel so totally alone - probably brought on by the last two nights of not having the boys here (they were in kennels whilst I went to Wales) and just having me and Dave it was so quiet and also I felt very vulnerable as I do rely on the boys to alert me to prowlers and also to make enough noise to scare them off, or at least get Daniel over here to help.  I hate feeling so scared in my own home now, I feel like I am being watched and often put on lights in other rooms and try to make it look like it's not just me here.  Losing the lawnmower is the least of it, losing my confidence and security is worse.  I think Steve was listening yesterday though as I came back from Wales, I dropped big sis off and her husband, Paul came out to meet her, I then drove the rest of the way home in tears as I wished Steve was going to be coming out to meet me - but bless Samantha (and Steve and the angels for sending her) she was here waiting with fish and chips to see me safely home.  Hey be proud penguins, I managed to hug her and eat the darned things without her ever knowing of the huge lump in my throat, it was so lovely of her to be here for me.  Ok I'm rambling through the tears again, probably tired I know (had a hard afternoon with ma and sis in law too, things are going downhill there), so I should probably just get to bed and try and sleep.  Tomorrow is another day, love you all, stay safe, keep swimming xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ailsa, Sue,  these terrible 'feelings' do tend to hit at the strangests times. I don't get those feelings of dread but I sometimes get on overwhelming feeling that I am going to pass out and that my heart is tryoing to escape from my chest. There is no pattern and no plausible explanation for it. I hope that you both soon get these feelings less and less.

Bren, as for motivation, I understand you totally. I am full of good intentions which never amount to anything. I hope that you soon start to feel a little better.

Pam, you are hurting and of course your emotions are all overe the place. There is no set pattern for the 'course' which grief takes. It is a long, winding, rollercoaster road. it is 28 months since I was made to walk it and I do not like it one little bit. I have never had the anger but I do have total despair at times. Hopelessness, helplessness, despair, disbelief, numbness to name but a few emotions. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is a miserable time and I don't know about anyone else, but I am fed up of it all. I feel as though I am lost inside myself. Apart from my dad and my mother in law, everyone in my family is 'a couple'. My mother in law makes me feel so guilty when I visit that I tend to stay away. (she just says how much she misses me, but I cannot and don't want to be there all the time).

I feel I am becoming a recluse of sorts. I am quite happy to stay home on my own and talk to noone.  If I didn't need to go to work then I probably would just 'disappear' and only leave the house when I absolutely had to. Omg reading this back I sound like a crazy lady. 

Take care dear penguins. Have the best day you can tomorrow.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Big hugs Rosemary and well done. You have a lovely daughter there. She seems so caring. Sorry things are deteriorating with regards to mum in law. I wish I could think of a solution for you. I understand the feelinjg of vulnerability. I sometimes shout 'goodnight' or 'see you later' when I leave the house. I have no idea why, because noone has any clue who is or isn't there. Just my silly brain wanting someone to be there I guess.

Anyway, take care. Sleep well x x

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hello everyone,

Rosemary I hope you are feeling a bit better today.  I too feel vulnerable at home and like that I have the dog.  She would do nothing but knowing she would bark is enough.  How lovely of S being there to greet you coming home.  Its a very lonely time for us all.  Ailsa, please take care of yourself.  Panic attacks are awful and I too suffer from them.  I think the key to addressing them is knowing that they are happening and understanding that (or that is what helps me).  I too have to force myself to go out and do stuff that I wouldn't normally have had to do alone.  If I don't then it just gets worse.  That was lovely of Declan to say that about your home as I know you love to have the family home.  I feel like that when I go to my parents house.  Just feels like home.  They are away on holiday just now but back Thursday and I am missing them a lot.  I know I depend on them a lot for practical support but also for emotional support so I am lost without them being there.  The boys are really missing them too and Jamie was in a terrible state the night before they went as he didn't want them to go.  He was fine the next day and gran has been sending postcards and emails and promises to go through the map with him when she comes home to show him all the places she visited (they are on a med cruise).  Jamie also started guitar lessons this week and I was so proud.  He did really well and really listened which was great.  I thought he was maybe too young but I would love that he sticks in at.  His dad would be so proud as he was a huge music fan. 

Things are okay here.  Still up and down and I am finding I am needing to retreat a bit and be by myself and the boys again.  My best friend has been letting me down a lot lately emotionally and I haven't confronted her yet but it is building up to it.  Whenever she is drunk she is quite nasty to me about things I have done since W passed and I know she doesn't realise she is doing it but it is bothering me now and I feel like I need some space from her and from going out partying every weekend.  I have discovered that things I trusted her with she has blabbed to everyone about when I asked her not to tell anyone.  I was out last night and ended up making excuses and leaving.  I just can't be bothered with the whole partying and going out and getting drunk.  I just want my nice settled life back with W sitting in watching DVD's and making plans as a family.  I know that can't happen but I need to work out what I do want now.  I'm going to a festival next month and holiday with my friend and at the moment I don't want to go to either which isn't good.  The boys are looking forward to the holiday but I really wish I had just booked to go away with my parents now.  Not much I can do though as I can't afford to cancel and rebook another holiday.  I probably just need to confront the issues and hopefully work them out.  I am just coming up to the 2 year mark on the 21st and fathers day (which is the day I class as the anniversery although it will the be the Tuesday this year) so that is probably making me a bit wobbly at the moment.  Just missing W really much at the moment.  As we all know and understand.

Anyway I'm rambling.  I hope you are all having an okay weekend and thinking of you all.

Sending you lots of love and hugs.

Gayle xxxx

Morning girls

Just thought I'd drop by and leave lots of comforting (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) for you all.........

I've had some good news in the last couple of weeks - first Alan's x-rays of his neck have not shown anything loose or sinister.........So he continues with his treatment as before.....

I am about to enter a new phase in my life - the hallowed (?) role of mother-in-law!!!  Son Number 2 is getting married in May next year.  My daughter-in-law-to-be is a lovely girl and has made herself comfortable in our family...........The happy couple have asked me to make The Cake - which I will be very happy to do.  Each of the 3 tiers will be a different cake - one fruit, one chocolate and one plain (but the plain one will have lots of ground almonds in it to make a nice moist cake).  So my kitchen has been full of nice cake baking smells as I've already had a go at a fruit cake recipe.  I've not baked a lot recently so I have to practise - and test new recipes of course.  It's just a pity I can't eat them!!!!!

The not-so-good news about the forthcoming wedding is that I've been dreaming (well having nightmares!!) and getting panicky about it!!  It all centres around Alan and his being unwell..........I dreamed the other night that he was so ill and in hospital that we couldn't be at the ceremony and I felt torn in two wanting - and needing - to be in both places at once........ I woke in tears and so frightened......But I keep telling myself that a lot can happen in a year - and in all probability Alan will be stable and in remission again..........I do hope so........

Sorry I didn't mean to end on a wobbly note,,,,,but bright and cheerful is not always easy to do...............So before I drown us all in tears...... I'll end with heaps of love and comforting (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) for you all

Dot xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Aww Dot, thats lovely news on both fronts.  Glad Alan's xrays went well and I will keep everything crossed for a positive outcome.  He WILL be at the wedding and you will all have a lovely beautiful family day xxx

Gayle you have done so much in the last two years. Your boys are a credit to you and W. It is very difficult when friends betray our trust and hard to come back from. I hope it does not destroy your friendship but just makes you a little more wary about what you tell her. Thinking of you this coming week and sending lots of love and support your way. ((((hugs))))

Dot, that is such good news about Alan. Congratulations on the forthcoming wedding and being asked to make the cake. I hope you have fun doing it. Having worrying dreams is unfortunately part and parcel of this dreadful journey you are travelling. I hope and pray that you are worries are just that... worries. ((((hugs)))

I hope that all who post here have had a reasonable weekend and that the coming week is not too stressful.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  Dot that is such good news about your son's wedding and Alan's x-ray coming back okay.  I'm sorry about the dreams.  I hope perhaps you can find something to distract you so that you don't have more dreams like that.  The wedding is something for your family to look forward to - especially the cake!

Gayle I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time right now especially with your friend.  A long-term friend has let me down quite badly over the past 6 months or so but has suddenly re-appeared in my life.  I haven't told her how I feel yet as I will wait to see if she stays in better contact this time first.  I know she has no idea what she has done and if she wants to be around more often I will decide then whether to tell her how she has made me feel.  There is no point in me saying anything just yet in case she vanishes again anyway. It has made me react similarly to you Gayle.  I find myself retreating home more & more often for now.  I don't want to be a party pooper but alcohol seems to make my anxieties worse so I feel calmer if I stay home.  I don't want to get stuck at home though so I will only stay home for one more weekend before facing the great outdoors again.  I think I just need a bit of a rest.  It is lovely to hear that Jamie seems to want to take up the guitar.  You must be very proud.

Rosemary Sam is such a star.  That was so thoughtful of her to be waiting for you with fish & chips.  Have you got the pooches back from the kennels yet?  It is not nice feeling vulnerable in your own home.  I don't have a dog but we had a lovely one for 18 years until a few years ago.  I felt very odd about not having a dog barking for a long, long time after Lassie died.  I am sorry to hear that your MIL in still causing such concern.

Pammie I am wondering how you are this evening?  I have only had moments of anger since Chris died.  Mostly the anger was directed at the whole unfairness at what had happened and directly with Chris.  There have also been a couple fo times when i have been angry with other people who are still here since losing Chris.  I think they probably deserved my anger as well.  I just hope that you are okay and have found some sort of distraction.

Patricia you are most definately not a crazy lady unless we all are!  I can understand the whole recluse thing though - I often feel retreating out of the way all together whould be the easier option.  Bren I feel a little better knowing that you keep checking to see if you have done everything and turned everything off.  Sometimes I can't decide whether other people worry anymore than me - then I wander if  am losing the plot altogether.  The way I have been this past week or so I am not a bit surprised to hear you are considering taking anti-depressants.  I really hope you find you don't need them but if you do, then you ar ebetter off taking them as I hear very good things about how properly managed anti-depressants help.

It's getting late so I should be off to bed.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hi my lovely penguins, have the odd hour or so to spare (Well all night actually, but whose counting) so thought I would see what is going on.

Yes Ailsa, I do find the gym does lift my spirits somewhat.  Not every time, but then, it cannot work miracles I suppose.  I did start a Zumba class last week and that was good.  You felt like you were mixing more with others in the classes, even if you did not know them.  So will be going back for more this week.  It sure does take your mind of your troubles.  You are too exhausted to think after.

I wonder if your anxiety attacks are similar to my ones of anger which I have had recently.  Our emotions going into overdrive.  I know you are further on than me, but you must still be prone to all these mixed emotions.  After all, how could we have been with our partners for as long as we were without it affecting us for a long time to come.  Remember what has been said in the past.  It is the waves that wash over us and as time goes on they get smaller and further apart.  But that does not mean they stop entirely does it. 

I am feeling a bit better today and the anger is subsiding, so I hope is your feelings of anxiety.  But we have been through the most traumatic thing we could ever go through so it is no surprise our feelings are as they are.

Hi Sue, don’t think we have spoken before, but so sorry that you are feeling so down.  You are a lot further on than me, so there is nothing I can say you have not already experienced and I would not even try.  So I will just send you plenty of ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) .

Oh Rosemary, it was so lovely for Sam to meet you after your trip.  It is so good to have such great kids isn’t it.  I am so sorry you are having a rough time at the moment.  Try to be kind to yourself and try to keep swimming.  If you are having trouble doing that, perhaps you can rest in my boat for a change.  I will get the Baileys and hot choc out.  You should not have to do it all the time xx.

High Crazy Lady, just thought I would send you some (((((((hugs))))))) and the offer of my boat if you can make it xx.  It’s a bloody awful road we tread isn’t it.

Hope you are feeling a bit better Gayle.  I am sure the holiday and festival will go better than you think.  It is sometimes the thought of things that is worse than the actual event.  I admire how you cope with the boys.  I only have to cope with myself and sometimes I think that is hard enough. 

Glad Alan’s x-rays are fine Dottee, that must be a huge relief.  Congrats on your great news and good luck with the cake. I am sure it will be the best.

I have found myself feeling alone quite a bit lately.  The realisation is starting to dawn on me, I think, that this is my life from now on.   I have lots of good family and friends, but at the end of the day it is just me, sitting watching TV most evenings.  But it is something I am just going to have to get used to I suppose. 

Anyway, I am wishing all you lovely penguins as good an evening as you can have and keep swimming.

Take care

Pammie xx