My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Becky, I hope work is a little less fraught now.

Ailsa, it is hard not having your lovely Chris to discuss things with. I hope the work issue is soon resolved to your satisfaction.

Lynne ((((hugs)))) for you and remember, you are doing the best you can for your family x x

Fiona, I hope you are not wearing yourself to a frazzle.

Dot, how are things for y9u and Alan at the moment?

Rosemary, Bren, Pam, Helen, Gayle, Manda, gosh so many now.... I hope that today and the coming days are a little better for you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Hello to all penguins, well at long last I am managing to post again, as you all know I have not been able to post as my dad has been very ill for the last few months. He is now back at home and doing not bad although he now needs his oxygen a lot more, we were told in April they didn't think he was going to pull through so it has been very hard. He has now gave in to carers coming in four times a day so has took pressure off me and my sister a bit. I have not had time to read back some if the posts but I will. All I can do for now is send hugs to you all and hope to be able to keep intouch from now on. Fiona xxxxx

Big, big hugs to you, Fiona - hope life becomes a little easier with the help of the carers. xx

hugs Fiona, hopefully the carers will be a huge help to your family. 

I did read back but my little brain does not retain much these days so just sending hugs to all.  My internet at home has decided not to work and it will be Friday night before they can send someone as there is no one at home during the day, I will be going through withdrawal by then!  At least I can sneak in at work from time to time. 

I am slowly pulling out of the huge black hole, can't understand why it was so long this time, I do know I am missing him more and more and just past 19 months last week.  But I have made plans for the summer and at least having something fun to look forward to helps.   I have worked it so that I will not be home alone for more than a week all summer and that will be ok, more than that is just too long to be alone.  I will go to Gaspe with another widowed friend who has never been there so that is always fun to see it with fresh eyes and a lot of the family will be there at that time.  Early in August I am off to Newfoundland again with lots of activities planned and I hope to get to Ottawa just before coming back to work.  I am fortunate to be able to travel like this and it is quite the job to get animals sorted.  Max the dog is coming to Gaspe and he loves it there.

Only 4 more weeks of school after this one.  I am so ready for it to be over. 

take care of yourselves

Rosemary, glad to hear that Dave cat is doing well.  I can understand why you transfer him back to his little room at night.  The picture you painted was far too much information xx.

You would think that when we have been what we have been through the fates would be kind to us wouldn’t you, but the fates still throw it all at us don’t they.  Sorry to here that they are throwing it at you with such force and sending you lots of ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and willing you some strength to endure.  Take care my dear friend xx

Ailsa, glad they found the fault in your van and it is now running well.  Perhaps a 4x4 will be better for you and more reliable. 

It does not sound to me like you are not getting on with your life.  You seem to have a busy social calendar lately, which is really good.  Hope the meet with your friend goes well on Monday.  It seems that people we feel let down by do not seem to have any notion that they have done so.   Funny that………..

Becky, I am not surprised that you are tired of an evening, you have a demanding job at the best of times, but now it must be very exhausting for you. 

I hope you are feeling a bit stronger after a couple of days off.  You are doing so well with a very difficult situation and you should be proud that you are getting through.  You might have anxieties, but that is only natural as is the lack of confidence.  All feelings we recognise.

Don’t ever apologise for your feelings, Becky, we all know how you feel and apologies are not accepted here.  You tell us how you feel as we tell you too, there is nothing you can say you need to apologise for.  You have some emotive anniversaries coming soon and it is no wonder you are down.  I have some coming soon too so you are not alone.  So big ((((hugs)))) my friend.  Try to be kind to yourself xx

Oh Patricia, thank you for the angelhugs and sending some back to you too.  I hope the day with your family went well.  Take care xx.

Fiona, I am so pleased to hear that your dad is now back home.  It is so hard to cope with everything isn’t it.  I am glad to hear that he now has carers.  Martin had some great people looking after him in the last few days of his life and they did all they could to make him comfortable.  I have nothing but admiration for them.  Sending you lots of big (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

Bren, sorry to hear you have been having a rough time.  Why is it, the longer it goes on, the more you seem to miss them.  We find some things easier but the missing them expands.  I think the only way we can deal with it is to fill up our days and months.  I always ‘keep running’ and need a full calendar to cope.

I have been having a bit of an up and down time.  I have been feeling very alone lately, which is something I have not felt as much as now.  I keep thinking back to last summer and the things we did and it makes me so very sad. It was this time last year Martin had his biopsy, the start of all the tests and treatments that were all futile in the end.   But I went to the gym today and I think the exercise has helped.  I am in a bit better place tonight.  I just hope it lasts.  I can cope with most things, but this feeling of sadness really get me down.

Anyway, enought of that.  I am wishing all you lovely penguins have as good a night as you can and I hope the sun shines on you all tomorrow.

Lots of big (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Pammie xx

Just dropping by to leave (((((((hugs))))) to you all. I hope you have a good weekend. It is lovely here in Leeds. Blue sky, sun shining. I should be out and about but my motivation has deserted me and i just want to stay indoors. I will however be going out shortly to see my bro-in-law as it is his birthday today.

Take care dear penguins x xx

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Morning everyone.  Fiona I am so pleased to hear that your Dad is home and a little better.  It will have been such a worrying time for you.  I hope that maybe you & your sister can get a little bit of smoother family time now knowing that the carers are picking up a little of the load if not the worry.

Patricia the weather here is lovely as well today.  I am going to grab the chance in a minute and mow the lawn and then maybe go for a bit of shopping but that is about as far as my motivation will stretch today.

I am having some very strange feelings recently and am slightly worried that I am having a few anxiety attacks.  It seems to come and go and last a few hours when it hits.  It is more likely to happen in the morning.  Typically I would not have been able to do this post a few hours ago as I was concerned I would somehow do it wrong.  The best way I can describe it is a feeling of dread, as if I will do something silly or just wrong.  If I drive when I feel like that I feel like I have to really concentrate or if I am shopping I am worried I am going to leave my card in a machine or something silly like that.  I suppose the most important thing is I am aware of it.  I have tried to slow right down these past couple of days in case that is the cause.  I've mentioned it to my children but don't really want to say more to them about it in case they worry.  I presume it is related to losing Chris but I don't know that for sure.  It is 25 months since Chris died so I am not sure this should be happening now.  It seems ridiculous because I have never been an anxious person in the past - quite the opposite - I am usually the calm one.  I am hoping that maybe if I share it with some of you on here I will feel better about it and maybe even chase it away.

Maybe I should join  gym like you have Pammie!  Sounds like it helps you to lift your spirits.  It is nice that you have a friend nearby who knows how you might be feeling.  My friend called to see me on Monday and it was lovely to catch up with her.  You are right though - she seems to have no idea that she may have upset me in any way.  She apologised on the phone message for not being in touch but left it at that and never mentioned it during her visit.  I am grateful we got together though as I would hate to have lost her friendship completely.

Bren I hope your internet was fixed as planned on Friday.  I think they have managed to put something on our PC network where I work that means I can't even view anything it regards as social networking.  Means I have to wait to I get home.  I hope the next 4 weeks go by nice and quickly for you so that you can get off on your summer excursions.  Sounds like you have it all planned.  It is good to hear you are climbing out of you hole a bit now as well.  Take care and enjoy the countdown to fun.

Right - that mowing won't do itself!  Take care everyone and have a good weekend.  Ailsa xxx

Oh, Ailsa, I can so identify with the strange feelings. i'm a couple of weeks behind you on this unwanted journey, and i can honestly say that my confidence gets less as i go along. My world seems to be shrinking - I've been offered free holidays in France and Majorca, but can't even bear tot hink about them. Staying away from home is not an option for me - I have all I can do to stay overnight at my mother's. When will it get better? xx

Thanks Sue - even just have you empathise has made such a difference.  This is so hard to explain.  I find it quite frightening the way is comes and goes.  This time last year I was up and down the M1 moving Becky & Declan for weeks.  Today that feels like another person must have done that.  I'm sure I will be fine.  I have plans to stay away from home for a few weekends/overnights in the coming months and I think it will be important to do these to keep my nerve.  Just a few weeks ago I was thinking that I might be ready to take a short UK break on my own soon - where has that gone now?  I wish I knew when this would get better.  For now I think it just keeps changing and catching me off my guard.  Sending you lots of (((hugs))).  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, do be careful.  It must be so frightening having those feelings.  I somewhat understand as lately I keep thinking I have left my iron plugged in, have gone home at lunchtime to check once and turned the car around one time on the way to work, only to find that yes, I did unplug it.  At my friend's house last week, I thought 'did I leave my stove on?' and came home to find no it was fine.  It must be all part of this 'am I going crazy' that we are all experiencing but I also thought after 19 months, it should not be happening still. 

I have made an appointment with my doctor for next Friday because I think I am depressed.  I have fought against it, I really don't like taking medications but I have no motivation, lots of ideas on what needs to be done but no energy to do it.  I am looking forward to my summer and it will certainly help to be with family and friends for a while but I really don't see much purpose in my life right now, I don't feel needed and I miss that. 

Yes my internet is back, thank goodness or I would be spending my weekend at Starbucks.  It was just the modem, he put in a new one and I am good to go.  My work is funny, now I can access Facebook also which I couldn't before but they do have firewalls for many sites. The Facebook one is because sometimes we need to monitor student FB bullying.

I must get myself up and moving and start my day, it look like rain but we have finally had some summer days here.  Sending hugs and hope you all enjoy part of your weekends.

Bren