Bereavement

So sorry to have to welcome you here, but you're doing the right thing and I hope you find us supportive. One of us posted the other day that those of us who have suffered the deaths of our loved ones 'take them (our loved ones) with us. They are deep in our hearts and souls. That will never change.'

I found this so insightful and hope it will be of some solace.

Thank you wesurvived ,, I miss him so much, I know it’s early days and I like you  I know I will survive  but it doesn’t feel like that at the moment but that’s where this lovely community comes in if only to help me through the grieving process.x

I lost my lovely husband in July too. His funeral is next week. We had been married almost 39 years and together since we were 16. He was my one and only love.  I watched him get more and more poorly as I nursed him at home and knowing he had to leave me was torment. I honestly cannot say anything to make it better except that here you will see there are others suffering from this indescribable grief. It came as such a shock even when I had anticipated it. I guess I'm saying that the loneliness and all this huge bundle of feelings is something we all understand here. It's a massive massive loss. Normally I was a fairly happy person, having this utter sorrow thrust upon me is difficult because it's not my choice, if that makes sense? I know these chats are words on a screen but behind this we are all real and here to share and offer comfort simply by being here and acknowledging how terrible we are feeling. I am spending as much time with people as I can because the alone moments can feel very long. And i am finding that is a good thing.  Reach out to people. A lovely friend of a friend came to visit when Andy had died as she lives very near. She then said she'd like to come and see me again. My house was/is such a tip that I was embarrassed and said can I come to you? She said of course and apologised profusely that she hadn't suggested it herself. Such kindness from someone I am only starting to really get to know. I drove over to see my brother and he cooked tea for me which was lovely and he sent me a text today to say we must do it more often. I have this fear that people will get tired of the miserable widow but that doesn't need to be the case. My head is quite messed up by all this but I recognise I need to lean on others. Not always easy especially when you may be used to caring for others. Now I am not afraid to let people who care see that I am vulnerable,  because I am. Sorry to ramble. But finally my husband told me we had to cope with his terminal illness with love and strength. It's what he showed me and I realised the other day that his words were still in my head as I face life without him. It's only bearable because there is no choice. Sending you love. Xx

Clazzz,

my husband David  was such a ‘matter of fact man’ after his diagnosis  he just said to me ‘it is what it is ‘ but fought every step of the way, unfortunately when he was taken ill very suddenly he had to be taken into our local hospital instead of the cancer care hospital he was being treated (the Christie in Manchester ) where his last hours were traumatic in their care to say the least. Like you I couldn’t care less weather I did housework or not but we have 3 boys and lovely family members and they said ‘so what you can do  to the housework tomorrow’.  I do try and put a front when people ask me how I am but I then crumble and think ‘god get a grip’ yet they are so compassionate towards me. And no you have not ‘rambled ‘ it so comforting to know at this moment of time I’m not alone. my love goes out to you too. 

When people ask me how I am I generally say I can't easily answer but thank them for asking. Probably at some point I will graduate to a non committal "you know..." or an "ok, well actually not really ok". I think because we have to get on and function people like to think we are ok. I have two grown up sons and we will support eachother. I know they will look after me. Im glad you have your boys whatever their age. It's so important now to let others be compassionate towards you. A friend today said she'd love to bring my husband back, in good health. As thats not possible, I accept that whatever she and others  are willing to do I will accept with gratitude.  I'm sorry your husband had a traumatic time at the end and you too of course. We are not going to feel magically better but in amongst all this there are moments of lightness. Another thing is I'm trying not to overthink the future. A day at a time may feel like a bit of a cliche but I am finding it useful to think that way. Xx

I love that you said that though these are words on a screen but we are all real! 
It’s something to hold onto. 
That everyone who types a single word here is going through this massive trauma to our lives and understands the horror, aloneness, confusion, anger, guilt and bereftness.

I have been pleasantly surprised by the people who have become, are starting to become, new friends. 
People who have always been there, in the background, now come forward to support me. 
People I have only met because my beautiful Valen was ripped from me. Either through new art / craft groups or my volunteering. 
And I have also been not so pleasantly surprised by those I have cut from my life. Whose negative and selfish energy is just to much to cope with. 
We need to try as best as possible to look after ourselves. And some people just sap what little energy I do have.

I have found that volunteering has helped me enormously. Where I go, the local museum, is mostly staffed by volunteers who at some time have lost the loves of their lives. Some as long as 16 year. One chap 3 months ago. 

It’s been coming up to 11 months for me. And every day is such a struggle. 
But I go out every day. Some days if only for a walk. And speak to someone every day.
I would like to say it gets easier. 
It hasn’t so far. I cry when I wake up and when I eventually get to bed. And several times between. 
I guess I’m getting more familiar with being on my own. Not getting used to. Or more accepting. 

My beautiful Valen and I often said we had to get used to “the new new” whenever there was a change - the terminal diagnosis, then the loss of taste and appetite, then the him sleeping upright, then him getting slower walking, him gradually doing less. 
Then on the night before he was taken from me I showered him for the first and only time and he said “another new new. I’m sorry all these new news mean more work for you. But I do love you. And I always will. I will always surround you with love, never forget or doubt that I do”

Look who’s rambling now

Hello you have come to the right place for a start …I lost my husband in May and my head has been all over the place. I wasn’t sleeping, still not sleeping like I used to. My days are long and lonely and it’s not easy learning to live without him. I know I’m not coping in a bit of an angry place at the moment days and nights tears just come the slightest thing can get to me it’s NOT going to be easy….. But from being on here you will have people to talk to and reassure yourself that it’s all normal every thing you are feeling and doing or not doing right now is GRIEF like we have never experienced before.

Dont think your cracking up although I do, your life will start to unravel into some kind of normal existence eventually for you in its own good time apparently. Don’t be pressured into anything .

As for all the routine we had that has gone. My cooking is virtually non existent which my husband I know would be moaning at me if he could see me living like this! We used to shop together plan menus for the week eat healthily often using veg from the garden too.  I will get up shower etc do what I need to, go to work if it’s a work day, but otherwise I can easily be back snoozing or laying on the bed around 2pm. 

Today I think I need to go get some milk and fruit but if I don’t feel like it I won’t for me that’s got to change and only I can do that.

I do push myself now to get a walk into my day which is getting better I can mostly do this now without crying! 

I like you wasn’t sure about an online community but I have got help and support from this friendly group. 

Hello!

Sorry you find yourself here it's not exactly somewhere we want to be but here we are and we all `get it`. I lost my husband to bowel cancer just over 2 years ago and this year I feel has been particularly bad for me. The first year without him (last year he passed in June 2023) I more or less ironically `sailed through` I think because it was still sinking in he had gone and I was still coming to terms with losing him and still expecting him to come walking through the door which of course was never going to happen. This year though I think I have come to the realisation that he is now gone and isn't coming back. A few events have happened this year that have made it all that more painful and raw for me. Our son got married in February this year Valentines weekend of all weekends. Our little granddaughter just started school this week (Scottish schoolkids go back after the summer break in August) he wanted to be here for that but of course cancer had other ideas and my son and my daughter in law are expecting their 2nd baby in November so I'm going to be a gran for the 2nd time. All lovely and nice but at the same time really sad. Very early days for you but good you have support roundabout you with your sons and extended family and friends. Please don't feel you will still feel like this in 2 years time because we all grieve differently. My GP has told me that for me this is probably the grief really coming out for me now because after my husband passed I had a few events happen after that concerning my older sister who also got a bowel cancer diagnosis but being caught early she has beaten it. I am her carer in that she has learning difficulties also so my doctors said given what I have been through over almost the last 5 years its easy to understand how I feel like this and maybe that I have not bee able to grieve properly for my husband with seeing to my sister and everything else. Just keeping coming here when you feel you need to as I said, we all `get it`. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you hopefully being able to move forwards. 

Vicky x