Ranty rant rant!

Funnily enough I was just typing a post called “Where can I go and scream out loud?”

I really really really really need to find somewhere where I can go and really really really let rip with some primal screaming. 
Out loud. 
Not just in my head.

Im exhausted with the lie of I’m alright. Doing OK. Up and down. As well as can be expected. 
No one wants to hear the truth. 
And for most I wouldn’t want them to hear the truth.  
They wouldn’t understand anyway.  

Don’t tell me it will get easier unless you yourself have lost your soul. How would you know?
Not soulmate. 
My soul.

Don’t tell me I’m doing really well. 
I shouldn’t have to be doing really well. Paperwork, car, banks etc etc, etc.  
I shouldn’t have to be doing any of this. 
He should be here. 

How bloody dare you say to me “Well at least he’s left you provided for”

SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM

I want to scream too. Bugger off, and leave me alone. A so called friend, of twenty five years recently said, “ You are in a strange place, I feel sad for you.” “My cat Mia has recently died, I can only image how you are feeling”. No, you can’t, you silly cow. My life has vaporised in front of me. Everything, that I had has  now gone. I was so angry with her. I was extremely civilised, and said, “My emotional well-being, and our adult children’s are my priority at the moment.” Tomorrow, I will take our son to The Nuffield, to have four wisdom teeth out. I feel anxious, as this will be the first time I will be back in the hospital arena since my darling died. I have to do it all on my own now. My darling won’t be there to talk things through, and support me. I pretend a lot to our children, as they need that stability. Let’s hope it goes well, as we know, nothing is guaranteed. End of ranty rant rant. Hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Exactly!

We shouldn't be having to do this, any of it.

I'm really starting to resent people and it doesn't feel good.

We could do with something like those smash rooms, I'd love to give it a try. 

X

You got a half smile out of me with the start of your post. 

This! What an idiotic thing for her to say, makes me so mad (but I have been stewing all evening)!

I don't know how you managed such a civil response. Sometimes I feel my body reacting, like heat and anger rising up through me and it takes all my might not to snap, that's why now I just say nothing. Let them try and make themselves feel better by saying stupid things, I won't validate it.

I hate hospitals too, have done for years since losing my mum. Hope it goes well for you both. Hugs back at ya  x

And the worst part, the person we want to come home to rant to isn't here. He used to ground me and calm me.

Now back to an empty house ranting to myself like a crazy person what a life. 

A half smile is good. I was a Special Needs teacher for autistic children, so it is helping massively now. Sometimes, the rage takes over and people have learnt to leave me alone. At times, I find that all of that pain is just under the surface. Then it will erupt, and I am not pleasant to be around. When it is really bad, I have to leave the house, and drive somewhere to sob. Once that happens, I usually feel calmer. Sending hugs to all, Kate. Xxx

Thank god we have this forum! 

Everything everyone has said resonates so acutely. 
I’ve had dozens of people trying to empathise with their dead dogs, cats and even a horse! 
Ive learnt to nod and bite back the swearing. 

I had a crash yesterday. 
I had my annual cancer scan - all good. The first without my beautiful Valen. 
I didn’t think about it before. But when I was asked to take off our necklace I started to panic and fingers all fumbled. 
I said something like “I can’t take him off”. And the scanner lady knew exactly what I meant and was really kind and patient. 
When I tried to explain this to some friends they were all “Well done, another first done”.

I am developing internal Tourette’s while smiling like a Stepford Wife.

Ha! You did actually get a real live laugh out of me with this one! So i thank you for that. First with the horse?! Then the swearing and the last tourettes/stepford wife part because that is also so me. What have we become???

People can be so patronising, like 'the firsts ' are an achievement rather than something that feels like having your soul ripped out of you.

Pleased to hear all is well with your check up. You don't mean an actual car crash do you? Or mood wise?

Thanks for responding, and to you Kate, it's helped me feel a bit more normal in how I felt, I even started to feel guilty feeling that way.

And I smiled and laughed which I didn't think would be happening tonight! X

Two thirty am and I can’t sleep yet again…so came on here ..I have smiled at the rant rant post it’s true for me the person I want to come home to and let off steam to or just unwind to is my husband he just used to let me get it out of my system. 
if he was here I wouldn’t be on here now. 

I hear you.

I'm glad you also got a bit of a laugh.

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Now to start another pointless day I don't wanna start x