My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone.  Of course I remember you Coral.  I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now but stick with us because at the very least you will realise your feelings are par for the course I'm afraid.  You know I have just past 2 years since losing Chris and a few others are there or there abouts.  I had a big weepy yesterday.  I have no idea where it came from and it has only really begun to lift this evening.  I cried buckets in bed last night.  What is that all about??  I was tired and I had noticed some things that Chris would not be aware of because they have appeared or happened since he died and the sadness of it all just got the better of me.  Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for us all (wet suit at the ready Becky).

I think I have already said this but very well done for completing the run Becky.  I hope your hip recover very soon.  I have 2 race for lifes to do this summer but they are both only 5ks so nowhere near as difficult as your 10k run.  I am doing one in Wakefield in July and one in York in June.

Dot I'm glad to hear Alan has almost finished has chemo.  I know some of the aftermath kicks in as the course finishes so I hope he is soon feeling better afterwards.  Take great care of yourselves.

I think I might have this years record for booking a Christmas treat the earliest!! - sorry!  I have just booked to go to see George Michael at Sheffield Arena on the 2nd December with my neighbour and we said it would be our little Christmas night out.

Well I hope everyone is okay this evening.  I need to get some more sleep tonight as I lost some to blubbing last night so I think I will get off up the stairs very soon.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Coral it is nice t9o hear from you. So sorry you are having so many ups and downs, but as you rightly say, it is not uncommon. Keep posting here whenever you feel you would like to. It might just help you. As you have probably read, I myself have been travelling the rollercoaster of emotions just lately and find it very debilitating. I am hoping however that the 'waves' are subsiding just a little. Take care ((((hugs))))

Becky, well done on your run. Next time tell your friend to get a catheter fitted before the race and then you won't have to stop lol (only joking). Your time was good (I would not have managed anythiong like that. I keep thinking I will start doing some serious walking but I guess I need to be a little fitter before I any long distances).

I called into the 'macmillan support' office at our hospital today looking for a hat for my chemo buddy. Surprisingly (to me anyway) the two ladies who were in there recognised me from my previous visits following Ray's death. They were asking me how I was doing. I was so touched by their concern. I am now wondering if it is good or bad to be recognised. After all, they must see hundreds of people in their daily work.

Anyway, thank you all for being there when I need you. I hope you all have the best evening you can and that the rest of the week brings good things for you.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Ailsa, tiredness does indeed make these feeling harder to bear. Take it from me. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia

p.s. Sorry Dot, I hope your mood starts to lift soon and fingers crossed that Alan does not have too many side effects from his treatment x x x

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry to hear everyone is having a wee dip at the moment.  Ailsa, you sound very busy so please try and take some time to yourself if not now at least once the stairs are done.  Becky well done on the 10k, that was fantastic and must have been emotional.  Patricia, big hugs and hope you are starting to feel a little better now after being unwell.  Dot, I hope Alan is continuing to dodge the nasty side effects.  Bren, hope you are doing a little better now too and big hugs to all you lovely penguins.

I'm doing okayish.  I'm just keeping quiet at the moment and having a bit of time to myself retreating into my shell so to speak to lick wounds and wait until I get the momentum to give myself a kick up the bum again!  I went to the doctors last week as I had to admit defeat and wasn't coping on my own anymore so he has prescribed me anti depressants and sleeping tablets.  Things have just all came to a head and I feel I need to take action now.  I was getting to the point where I wasn't wanting to get out of bed and having silly thoughts. I haven't started taking them yet as I have really busy week this week with work and I am travelling all over so I want to start them next week when life is a bit quieter.  My parents are off on holiday next week so I will be confined to the house for a couple of weeks as no babysitters so that is the ideal time.  The doc was lovely about it but I just feel I can't keep pretending and trying to cope.  I just need a bit of help for a while.  The crunch for me is that although obviously I love my boys and care for them I often feel I just go through the motions and function rather than live.  My worst fear is that when they get older they say that life was awful because my dad died but it was also awful because my mum was so sad afterwards.  So I need to sort myself out for them.  They are both doing well of course.  Ewan starts school in August (already getting nervous about it!!) and he has started going for 1 hour a week as an induction and loving it. I got his uniform last week and he is such a big boy now. He is just so grown up and at the moment a complete handful.  I am hoping it is just a phase though.  Anyone want a 5 year old lodger for a bit :)????

Anyway, better sign off as busy busy day tomorrow again with work.  At least it keeps my head busy!

Take care penguins and lots of love and hugs.

Gayle xxxxx

Hi everyone

Coral of course I remember you, all at similar times and still swimming along. Keep reading and posting, it helped us in the early days and still helps now xxx

Becky well done on the race, I am doing the ladied night walk on Friday night for our local hospice where Paul was treated, 7 miles and walking so nothing as energetic as yours.

Ailsa hope you re feeling bit better as week has gone on. Dont beat yourself up about length of time its taking as when you ve finished you ll be scratching your head what to do next lol!!

Gayle I m sending you big hugs and really hope the tablets work, I cant imagine having to look after 2 little ones as well as everything else. You are doing a great job, dont ever doubt that xxx

Hugs to all you lovely penguins

Helen xxx

Gayle, ((((((big gentle Angel hugs))))))) for you. It takes a lot of courage to admit to anyone that you are perhaps not 'coping' quite as well as you would like, with your current and unwanted situation. I hope that you soon start to feel a little bit better and begin to take some pleasure in life again.

I would like to send (((hugs))) to all who post here. I hope you all have a lovel y day today. The sun is shining and I want to go out but of course I can't because I need to try for some sleep after a particularly busy nigfht shift.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  Gayle I'm sending yo ((((bug higs)))) as well.  It is good that you have been to the doctor and I hope the medication helps you.  I have such admiration for you working so hard to give your 2 little boys a lovely life.  My children are all grown up as you know and yet I worry about striking the right balance between letting them see just how much I miss their Dad and risking being seen as wallowing in my grief or being more upbeat and then they will think I don't miss him at all or that they can't mention him for fear of making me sad when I seem happy.  I am scared of upsetting them and they are scared of upsetting me.  My children are all old enough to articulate all this every now and then so I really feel for you as your boys are too young yet to put into words what they are thinking.  Only time will tell but having met you I am confident you will have a lovely surprise when they can put it into words and they tell you that far from having a sad childhood because Dad died and Mum was always sad, they had a brilliant childhood because Mum succeeded in making it fulfilling for them.  You are so aware of the gaps you want to fill for them that it couldn't work out any other way.  Try to stop worrying then use that bit of energy you are not using to worry anymore to give yourself a break.  You are doing a great job xxx

Patricia I hope you have managed to get some sleep.  I have had a week of good nights and bad nights so I am glad it is the weekend now.  I am feeling a bit more on top of things and have plenty of time again this weekend to keep it that way for a bit.  For relaxation I am going out for my tea tomorrow and then to the local theatre with my neighbours - that is always good fun.  I am hoping that maybe Fiona's book will arrive tomorrow.  I am going to have another go at some electrics tomorrow as well so I will apologise in advance if I am getting above myself and fuse England!!!  Don't forget Patricia - if you have the time I still haven't been to that new shopping centre in Wakefield so perhaps we can meet and give it the once over.  take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

At last I have the marbles together to switch on the computer and catch up.  Hugs to you all, round of applause for Becky and the run (I've got that right haven't I?) and good luck to Helen with the midnight walk - I found when I did one here that it wasn't so much the distance (13 miles) but the time of night that did me in, it was exhausting in a different way to physical.  Ailsa, how are you doing, slowing up yet???? And Patricia did you manage to sleep?  These night duties are probably half of your battle to try and get any sleep ever, you never get to make a proper sleeping pattern do you - gentle sleepy hugs for you.  And Gayle I think Ailsa has said it all and so very well I don't think I could put it better or add anything else, you are a wonderful mother and your boys will only remember the good times, any of the sadness they remember will be in context and understandable to them as they grow older and help them to remember Wully was such a special man, for them and for you, so big hugs for you and lots of energy and love being sent to try and help you a little.

Well Dave cat is doing well, I think, we saw the ortho vet again this week and he was pleased with his abilities and that he is still weeing and pooing (which means all the nerves etc are still functioning properly as well as the mechanics), he is a little wobbly walking but that is understandable - he came out for a little stretch on Thursday afternoon (he's in a little cage with his bed, food and litter tray to keep him quiet and resting) stretched, rolled about, washed his parts with his back leg behind his ear!!! then started coughing on a hair ball and hurt himself or rattled his fractures and ended up crying and hissing at me when I tried to help him back to bed.  He settled down though and I gave him some pain meds.  Today I put his cage by my bedroom window - patio doors to the ledge actually - and he spent the afternoon watching the birds and dozing in the sun, then I put the dog kennel/cage in the bathroom and put in another bed etc and he can now have more room to move about in there and still come and sit in the sun during the day too.  Mind you finding the time to "nurse" my injured boy, exercise the two big boys and fit in everything else I'm meant to be doing I never seem to get anything done in the house - it's still a mess!  Oh well I'll keep trying, maybe one day it will all come together.

Love and hugs to all the penguins, Judi, Fiona, Sue, Dot,Pam..... Lynne on holiday...... everyone I haven't mentioned I am including you in a great big Sunday night huddle, you are all very special to me xxxxxxx

Hello everyone

Well done on the run/walk.  You have mch more energy than I do!  Gayle, don't ever doubt yourself as a mother, you seem to be doing a fantastic job with those two little ones.  I really don't know how you cope with it all.  I have trouble taking care of myself never mind anyone else these days.  Patricia, do get some rest.   Rosemary, I hope the poor cat continues to recover quickly.  My pets are so dear to me and also so expensive! 

Right now I am minding a friend's tiny dog who has decided he is comfortable enough here to take over and attacked my big dog this morning when he greeted me.  Max is so laid back and easy going he just backs off but that was not fair in his own home so this little guy is due to go home this afternoon, I think I will take him sooner this morning.   We have our Victoria Day long weekend so today is a holiday here in Canada.   I seem to be also retreating into my little shell and haven't seen anyone since leaving work on Friday.  I do have my craft group coming on Thursday so have been trying to get some cleaning done, really have no motivation at all lately. 

I am trying to sort out my eight weeks off in the summer once again.  I used to count down the days along with my coworkers but now it really isn't important.  I think I am going to Gaspe with a friend from my Coping Group, that would make the drive alot easier and we get along so well.  We can stay in the old house where my father in law was born and that is right beside my MIL's cottage which will be full of family.  My cousin wants me to go back to Newfoundland also and I am thinking of doing that in August, just not sure where I want to be on the 7th which will be my 30th anniversary.  It is so hard to make any kind of decision these days. 

A coworker's brother has pancreatic cancer, he is 50/60's and it was very sudden, he does not have long left.  It brings it all back and she has been looking to me because I have  been through that, I really want to help but it is tough.

Sending hugs and encouragement to everyone

love Bren

Hi all you lovely penguins,

Well it is 8 months today and been a bit up and down.  Went shopping with my daughter and grandaughter which was good. 

I don't know if this sounds strange, but I feel Martin seems to be pulling away.  I do not feel him so near now, and thinking back to the last time I saw him seems such a long time ago.  don't know whether he feels I am managing better and that he can now start to go towards where he should be, or am I just imagining things.  I feel good that he might think I am managing but scared that he might be leaving me.  Does this all make sense.  I don't really know.  I feel I am making a new life for myself, a life I always said I did not want, but in making that new life I feel I am moving so far away from my past life.  Good in some ways but Oh so upsetting in others.  Can any of my penguin friends understand what I am trying to say or am I just rambling...........

Pammie xx