My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Understanding it totally Pam and I think you are right, but don't ever worry that Martin is leaving you as he will always be there watching over you for as long as you need him, until you are together again.  I think maybe if we try and hold on to our past lives too much it will just hold us back and bring us down so in many ways we have to "let go" a bit - and often feel guilty when we do at first because it feels like betrayal,but it isn't it is just life and surviving as best we can with a new one which, as you say, we never wanted, planned or even thought about.  I think we all go through the various stages, not once but a few times in some areas and each time we experience the feelings and emotions they will be different, sometimes you will feel more on your own and out there and sometimes you might feel Martin close and supporting you with love, sometimes you will cry at little things and other times you will come through something that would have set you off and you will be proud that you held your head high and got through - with no one noticing the lump in your throat or the tear threatening in your eye. Ramble on Pam, it's the only way we can try and make sense of the stuff in our heads isn't it? xxxxxxxx

Bren, I hope you have sorted the dogs, poor Max I hate it when other dogs take advantage like that, my friend has two Cavalier King Charles and they used to terrorise my lovely Jay - lab x gsd until he wouldn't leave his bed until they left.  My friend never realised what little horrors they were being, but now she doesn't bring them in as she thinks they would be frightened of Kofi and Geordie (my Ridgebacks) when in actual fact they would also be terrified of hers as they are quite stroppy to other dogs.  Also hope you can sort what to do in August, there always seems to be something else to get through doesn't there, I had our 30th anniversary the year after losing Steve and felt so sad that no one else celebrated it or remembered it as I wanted to - I still felt and still feel married to Steve.

Off to make coffee now, up early this morning as certain hairy beasts decided if the birds were singing it must be breakfast time and tomorrow I've got to get out early to get my car in for it's service.  Take care lovely penguins, sleep well, lots of love xxxxxx

Evening everyone.  I think I also understand what you mean Pam.  Your not rambling at all.  It is good to put things down on here as it stops them twirling round on your head.  I feel like I am slowly letting Chris drift a little further away as well.  I'm not sure whether it is him who is drifting or me who is letting him drift but either way the effect is the same.  I think that it is something that comes and goes as well.  Sometimes I feel like Chris has come rushing straight back by my side and it doesn't seem very long since I last saw him at times like those.  I expect this to happen for a long time now but I assume the times when he feels close will get further apart as I adapt to him not being there.  I am definately making a life of sorts that is different to my old one but fulfilling in it's own way.  I get a bit paranoid at times that maybe I am not 'living' my life as well as I could.  I don't go on holiday and I don't go out socialising as much as I could.  Instead I am spending a lot of time and energy on the house and a couple of projects I have ongoing at home.  Then I get to thinking that Chris & I have spent a lot of the last 8 or 9 years working on the house and we did that because we enjoyed it so what can be wrong with me carrying on with that, for the time being at least.  It might not be some people's idea of fun but I am enjoying it and feeling pleased with what I am achieving.  I think it is all part of what you are noticing, a kind of coping and achieving in our own right.  I still cry buckets at the drop of a hat but I also smile at what I have achieved so I think you should expect the feeling that Martin is moving away to come and go for a little while but be very proud of yourself because Martin is.

My grandson has said something tonight that made a lot of things feel worthwhile.  He is staying with me overnight while his mum works away tomorrow.  As he walked into the house he made a bee-line for his favourite chair saying he loves to come to this house because it is the Hanson house.  It is a place where we all get together and have bbqs, takeaways and do things together like watch the eurovision song contest.  He feels snuggly here and likes to wrap up in a fleecy blanket and drink hot chocolate.  He is such a love and has no idea what a lovely thing that was to say.  Chris would be so pleased that Declan feels like that about his house.

Rosemary I hope you have got on okay with your car service today.  My van is going in on Thursday to have a minor problem fixed and then I am on a mission to sell it.  It is all part of the plan to then trade in my car for a 4x4 before the winter.  I want to feel confident driving in bad weather - no repeat performance of the stress these past 2 winters.  I am looking for a medium sized 4x4.  I want it to have 4 doors but it doesn't need to be a 'beast'.

Bren has the tiny dog gone home now?  So odd the way little dogs can terrorise big ones.  My cats used to torment the life out of my dog!  Good luck with getting your 8 weeks off filled and sorted.  Sending you lots of hugs with your 30th anniversary coming up.  Wedding anniversaries are a very personal thing that not many of even our closest friends remember about.  It will be my 34th wedding anniversary in July.  Take care while you support your coworker through her brothers cancer.  It is natural for her to turn to you and you will do the best you can to help but be mindful of it taking you back to places you are not ready to go.  Look after yourself as well.

Well I should really get off to bed if I am to be fit for work tomorrow so take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

hi, so sad to read this, your man died in your arms , what way other way would he wanted to go but in the arms of the woman he shared is life with, some people die with cancer feeling all alone , I think he was so lucky. a part of your is gone and will never be replaced , but life must go on no-matter how you feel for your children, and for your husband. who would have wanted you to carry on. we all have lossed loved ones . but we go on as that;s the way life is , it;s not perfect but that;s  what we all deal with in our own way. I hope you can carry on and try and make a  life  for yor self and look to your  kids and your grandkids, good luck for the future . god bless, xx

Evening everyone.  Thank you for your post ronniej.  You have a very positive outlook.  Lots of good luck to you for the future.  Take care xxx

Oh Rosemary and Ailsa, you always understand my ramblings and give me such encouragement.  Thank you.  You have written such wise words my friends xxx.

Rosemary I hope your car service went well and it did not cost you much.

Ailsa, I do not think you have to worry about not doing as much as you should.  I think we lean towards doing the things we did before and if renovating your house was something you both spent a lot of time on, then it is only natural that you want to keep doing this.  And if it is pleasing you then it can’t be wrong can it.  Perhaps spreading your wings more might be something you will feel you want to do in the future, but as they say, do what you want to do to get you through.

Oh that was such a lovely thing for your grandson to say wasn’t it.  I bet it pulled at your heartstrings x.

Bren, hope the anniversary goes as well as it can.  I think sometimes the thought of these dates are worse than the actual dates.  I have all mine to come in the next few months.  Birthdays’ what would have been our 45th wedding anniversary and of course the big year round one.  But we all get through don’t we, just because we must.

I do still feel that I am married, even if technically I am not.  So I think I will still celebrate our wedding anniversary, it would feel so strange no to.  It will be so emotive though, as we were going to celebrate it in Mexico, a place we loved to go on special occasions.  But do not think I will ever go back now, it would be far too upsetting.  Some places you can go back to and there are others you know you can never venture to.  That's just the way it is I suppose.

I have had a fellow widow staying for a couple of days and it was so good to be able to really talk.  Not the conversation that goes on between myself and friends who have not walked in my shoes.  But real conversations about how we are really feeling and it was good.  She went home yesterday and I threw myself into ‘doing things’ as I have learned this helps with those low feelings when friends go home or we get back from a journey.  Went to the gym and then went round my daughters last night.  So am feeling OK today.  I have a good friend who is also a widow coming round this afternoon, which should be good.  A couple a ‘laced’ coffees will sort us both out I think.

Anyway, I hope all you lovely penguins are as well as you can be.

Sending you all lots of big (((((hugs))))))

Pammie xx

Hello all, another good catch up.  Ailsa what a lovely thing for Declan to say, I hope that my kids also feel similar with coming home here, it is something to aim for isn't it? The family home and gathering place, somewhere to be happy and share good times, but also somewhere they can all feel safe, welcomed and loved. 

The car service went well and has taught me that I must check my tyre pressures more often (actually I've never checked my tyre pressure at all) as that had led to the uneven wear on the front tyres and both were replaced and it runs like a new car!  Which is just as well as I am going to journey down to Wales next Friday with mum and my two sisters for my lovely aunty's funeral - mum last remaining sibling.  She had been ill for a while now (lung cancer) and died in hospital yesterday morning, holding my cousins hand with the sun shining and the birds singing - a perfect way to go her grand-daughter told me.  Not sure I can understand why all this seems to be happening in so short a space of time - mother in law is steadily getting worse, although the dementia is the worst thing there, the cancer is taking a back seat to having to cope with all that is going on mentally.  I suppose it is also that mother in law and aunty are both in their 80's so in some respects it is to be expected to lose them.

Brighter note - Dave cat is doing really well and wants to get out and walk around a bit he says, but of course I have to be the grown up here and stop him from doing too much as he isn't mended yet and still walks funny, but sooo pleased to see him getting along so well and being so happy too. However he is not sleeping in his "day room" beside my bed ever again - the sound of him going to the loo during the night, lapping water and scratching up the carpet lining his kennel is not funny or pleasant (especially the loo bit!)  so each night I transfer him back to his litltle room in the bathroom where he can use all facilities without disturbing me or the dogs. 

Right I shall away again, needed a break after cleaning the kitchen floor but must plough on with house cleaning and rubbish sorting......... hopefully get back to you all later. Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening everyone.  Rosemary I'm glad the car service went well.  I had a big problem with tyre pressure in the winter.  My car has low profile tyres and is very sensitive to even slightly low pressure - it goes all over the road.  I have checked tyre pressure in the past but clearly wasn't doing it enough for that little car - it is much better now that I check more often.  My van has been back to the garage but the fault has been found this time.  It was interminant but because I really must sell it I needed to get it fixed.  In the end a diagnostics man with his clever computer found the problem.  It was a bad earth and was affecting about 6 different things.  The van is running very well now so tempting as it is to keep it I am on a mission to sell it asap before I can change my mind.  Once that goes I have to take serious steps to trade in the car and get a 4x4 ready for the winter.

I am really pleased that Dave is doing so well Rosemary - what a relief.

Pam it sounds like you have some lovely friends.  I hope you find a way to mark your wedding anniversary that you are pleased with.  I still feel married and as a result my anniversaries are very important to me but I realise they are probably only important to me but not many others.  Both our families have confused our anniversary with my birthday for years so I don't think that helps anyone notice the date for our anniversary.  Thanks for the encouragement regarding my work on the house etc.  I do worry that it keeps my world very small but then I am not sure how I go about making it any bigger just yet anyway.  To go on holiday etc I would need someone to go with and that isn't really possible right now.  The kids are all busy dealing with busy lives and trying to hang onto their jobs.  I think things might change a bit if Stu & Suzanne go ahead with their plan to move in with me for a while.  Maybe then I will get out and about a bit more.  I have things planned anyway - I have tickets for 3 concerts including George Michael and I am also booked for the theatre at least 4 times in the next 3 months.  I have a couple of race for lifes to do and I am going to a 21st birthday party soon so maybe I am doing more than I think to expand my social life.  An old friend who I have felt a bit let down by has been in touch and is coming to see me on Monday so I will see how that goes.

Has anyone got any interesting plans for the bank holiday?  I love to hear what you are all up to.

Rosemary good luck with the drive to Wales.  I hope everything goes as well as it should for the funeral.  You are definately having a very hard time of it recently - so many emotional things going on for you.  I hope someone is supporting you as much as you seem to be supporting others.  Take care of yourself Rosemary.  Take care everyone else as well.  Ailsa xxx

Hi all

its been a little while since I posted, nott sure really why, i have quite a bad case of appathy most evenings of late. work has got much more demanding, physically and especially emotionally so by the time i leave i tend to curl up with the tv. I need a new target to get me out in the evenings now the run training is over.

It was my first on call yesterday since i returned to work. It did not go well. very busy. the difficult bit was the 2 patients who deteriorated suddenly in the middle of the night, i was up all night. But thats the jobs so its not that that concerns me it is my slowness to feel i am doing the right thing, my lack of confidence in my abilities and the anger and frustration i felt on controlled poorly when i found i had (understandably) misunderstood the basic situation, and because the team looking after the patient had talked alot about limitations on this very very sick mans care but never commited  and not handed any of this over to me before going home.......... I just did not feel in control. Not that i think the out come for the patient would ultimately have been any different but i did cause them some anxiety by missunderstanding the situation. My confidence wasn't great before yesterday now i wonder about going back to work on tuesday........... I am sure i'll piece myself together in the next few days.

I just feel so alone, a shitty day, no one to come home to to tell me its ok. silence. Mark had even taken to bringing me food on my on calls in the 6 months or so before he died. but it was a microwave meal eaten in the office last night. i don't feel like playing any more.

Pam and ailsa, i kind of know what you mean about your husbands drifting away, these days when i am out and about i still feel like i am in a relationship with Mark. the concept of another partner seems so alien. But its odd most days its like hes just not here at the moment, and then occationally through the day the thought that he is actually dead and that hes not comming home still dawns (usually in the quiet moments). Maybe thats how I cope, just feeling like hes away somewhere without the brutal truth being right there in the front of my thoughts.

today is the first of the big 1 year dates, 1 year today he had is scan that showed the cancer and that it was already widespread and it was terminal. It took all of about 5 mins with the GP for our worlds to fall apart. next weekend is our 1st wedding anniversary and then 7 weeks is the 1 year.

I am sorry for this entry, I am just so low at the moment.

to everyone else on here, you are lovely supportive people and I hope you all have as good a weekend as you can.

becky

Just dropping by to offer love, angelhugs and support to all who need them especially Pam and Becky. I do not have any good words of wisdom for you at the moment. Take care of yourselves as you approach these 'anniversaries'.

Ailsa, I hope you enjoy your forthcoming outings. My plans for the weekend are to spend time with my family who will be over for the day on Saturday. I have not forgotten aboiut meeting with you and hope to be able to set a time and date fairly soon.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  I hope you have all had a decent long weekend.  Becky I am hoping that maybe you are feeling a little better.  It sounds like you had a dreadful day at work.  It is so hard not having our soulmates to confide in and talk through the day with.  I am having some issues with something happening at work that is wrong.  Chris and I would have talked it through and then I would have known what to do about it but now I don't have my sounding board I have had to talk to a few other people and try to make up my mind what to do from what each of them have said.  It makes everything such hard work.  I trusted Chris's judgement so there was never any need to approach anyone else - I have had to ask 3 people for their opinion now Chris is not here.  Becky you have a tough time coming up with the dates and anniversaries approaching.  I'm sending you lots of ((((hugs)))).

Patricia I had a full weekend but enjoyed my outings.  I hope you are okay.  I look forward to hearing from you when we can get together.

Well I was up a bit late last night so I think I should get off a bit earlier tonight.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx