My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi Bren, Glad to hear the weather is improving but sorry you are enduring some difficult times. It is amazing just what triggers the sadness isn't it? I hope that you soon start to feel a little happier.

As for me, the tidal wave has struck again and I am finding it hard to stay on the surface. I will get there though, just like others have before me. I am extra sad tonight because I know my daughter is missing so many people who are missing from her life through death from various causes (illness, accident, suicide). She especially misses her dad. I will never let her see how much I feel her pain, I will just try to support her.

To everyone who posts here, have the best weekend you posibly can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

lots of hugs Patricia

Gentle Hugs Patricia.....

Becky good luck on you run, cant imagine doing your job with your knowledge of this insidious disease.

Keep swimming all

K

Hi all you lovely penguins, have been absent for a couple of weeks, people visiting and places visited.  I have to keep running………………..

Oh Patricia, l am so sorry that you are going through a bad patch.  But that tidal wave will subside soon and you might get some sort of peace.  It is such a hard road we tread, and sometimes we are left to tread it alone.  No matter how much family and friends try to help we are at the end on our own to deal with our kind of grief.  As we have said before, unless you have walked in our shoes you have no idea the depth of our grief.  I am so sorry that your daughter is also going through a bad time, but I know you are there for her and that will see her through.  It is you who have to find the strength to deal with your own grief and families grief too.  Not an easy thing to achieve my friend.  I can only send you plenty of ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) and to let you know that we are there for you…………alwaysxx

Bren, I hope that you are in a better place and your difficult times are subsiding somewhat.  I also send you lots of cyber ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and ask you to take care of yourself.  You need that inner strength to see things through xx.

Becky, it must be hard for you to see this terrible illness from both sides.  You have been through the most traumatic thing we can endure and then you are working with people who are going through this same thing.  I commend your courage for going back to your job and trying to help others who are going through the same thing as you have.  I am sorry that your boss is not more understanding.  I think that is the problem we face.  If we go round letting people know how we really feel they would be so unable to cope with the situation, and when we hide our feelings and try to be OK on the outside then people think we are ‘getting over it’.  The only encouragement I can give is that we are all in the same boat and we know how hard it is.  I hope the conversation you are to have with your patient’s family goes as well as it can.  But do not forget, you will be able to give them that little bit more understanding as you have been there and you know how they are feeling.  Good luck for your 10km and I will be thinking of you.  You will have to let us know how it went.  You have been training for it for so long and I know it has been a hard slog. 

Ailsa, how is the decorating getting on.  I am not looking forward to the time when I will have to handle a paint brush, but I am sure I will have a go when the time is right.

Helen I hope things are well for you and you have got over that dammed date that we all fear. 

Well I have been having a busy couple of weeks which has been good.  Things to take my mind of my troubles.  Had a bit of a meltdown when a good friend who had been staying for the weekend went home, but got through that.  I think I am learning to get through now and the ways of doing this.  But last night I had a dream.  The most vivid one I have had since I lost Martin.  I was sitting on his lap giving him a cuddle and telling him that I was feeling so lost and without a purpose.  I told him I was thinking of going back to doing a bit of temping and he said to me ‘Oh you don’t have to do that’ and I was trying to tell him that, yes I did, I needed something in my life as I did not have him.  It has left me feeling very low.  I know I will climb out of my thoughts and get back on top of it……………with a little help of a Baileys or two………but it is Oh so hard isn’t it.  Sometimes I think I would like a pill that would help me forget and then I realise that this would not work.  How would I ever want to forget all the years we spent together.  It is such a ‘no win’ situation.  I am not sure if the grief will ever get less, I have just got to find a way of dealing with it.

Anyway, enough of that………………………I hope you all have as good a weekend as you can have.  And an extra (hug) for Becky and her race tomorrow.

Take care my lovely penguins and try to keep swimming

Pammie xx

Good luck with the 10k run Becky. So sorry your boss is so insensitive to your situation. I think they just don't 'get it'. I had a lady last week who was suspected to have a malignant tumour and I was with the doctor when she was telling her. The lady was very calm but the look on her sister's face was one I could empathise with. I felt that I could see inside her head and read her thoughts. I offered the lady the chance to discuss how she felt but of course she was putting it to the back of her head until such time as she was officially told it was 'bad'. I was actually glad she said that to me because I was dreading having to deal with her fears. (I hope that does not make me a bad person).

To all you dear penguins I offer (((((special hugs)))) and hope you manage to weather the unexpected storms of emotion as they hit.  Becky, my daughter sees my grief far more than I would wish her to and she is so supportive but I can't bear that she has to suffer such grief herself.  Thank you all for the support you have given me. It means such a lot to know there are people who totally understand, but it makes me sad to know you are all travelling this road too.

Last week I felt so very ill that I languished on the couch for two days and now I get tired so very easily that I am reluctant to venture far from home. That combined with how I feel emotionally is very debilitating. I hope that it passes soon. (reading this back I appear to be moaning a lot and for that I am sorry).

Anyway, take care and be kind to yourselves. The so called 'healing' process takes time and is different for everyone.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Have the best day you can this Sunday.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Evening everyone.  Becky, congratulations on completing the 10k run - so very proud of you.  I am sorry to read that your boss has been so insensitive and you as well Patricia.  I really admire both of you and what you do.  I can't imagine how you cope trying to seperate yourselves from the people you come across each day, knowing what you both know about this awful disease.  Take care both of you.

Pam I especially took note of your comment saying if we let people know how we really felt they couldn't cope and the other side of the coin is no better as by telling people we are okay they assume we are some how over it & moving on.  I can be quite honest with my daughters about the fact that I am treading some new road.  Even though I may be moving away from the initial traumatic shock of losing Chris I don't ever expect to be normal again, which I believe most of my friends are hoping for.  They will be very disappointed as I know for a fact that I will end up somewhere inbetween where I am & where they want me to be.  All of you posting on here know what I mean but I wish more of my friends from my old life could understand that.  However there is only one way for them to know how I am really feeling so I wish for them all to live in blissful ignorance and I will try to deal with how they are with me instead.

I have been very weepy today.  I am not sure why.  I am struggling to finish my decorating.  It will definately get done but not as fast as I would like.  That upsets me because I know it is only because I am doing it on my own that I am feeling emotional.  I shouldn't be doing it on my own!  It wears me out and then I remember that when Chris was alive I would go hell for leather getting things done when he was out so that I could stop and spend time with him when he came home.  The difference now is no-one comes home and stops me.  Sorry I am being so miserable.  I am tired because my daughters were here last night to watch the eurovision song contect with me.  We had a lovely time but the eldest one stayed over and we didn't go to bed until 2:30am.  I find it difficult to sleep late so I didn't get enough sleep last night.  Now I need to stay awake until 10pm or I will be awake too early for work tomorrow.  I will probably have the staircase finished by the end of next weekend.  I don't get much done during the week with working.

Enough of me - Patricia I hope you are doing okay.  It must be very hard for you watching your daughter hurt so much.  I am sending you both some (((hugs))) and I hope you are feeling better very soon.

Bren how are you?  Reading about your student getting hurt I was thinking how strange it is that we handle what we need to in the heat of the moment and then think about it afterwards.  Very well done to you putting the needs of your student and his family first.  At least you have been back to the hospital now and got that 'first' out of the way.  I am glad to hear you have some spring weather.  We seem to be getting very cold weather again after such a lovely April.  I have spent some time in the garden today so it is looking good - just need some sunshine.

Pam your dream sounds very emotional.  I still don't dream about Chris.  Sorry it left you feeling low and I hope you are doing okay now.  Well I should close now as I am sure I am waffling.  I am feeling a little at odds with myself this evening and not quite sure why.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Evening girls

Seems we've all hit a low point at pretty much the same time..... so I'll open my arms wide and offer comforting (((((((((hugs))))))))) to everyone here.....xx

I don't really have anything to moan about - Alan is still taking his chemo meds - he takes the last capsule of this cycle on Thursday and then has a break of 7 days before the next round........ So far he's not suffering too many ill effects - but I feel they may not be too far away!!!  Anyway - we shall see.......

Today would have been my Mum and Dad's wedding anniversary so that has been a bit of a hurdle for me to get over.......Strangely, though I do miss Dad lots I feel that I'm missing my Mum more now.  How perverse is that??  I finished seeing my counsellor last week - but I do have the option of ringing her again if I feel the need to straighten my head out again.....but hopefully I'll be OK.

Anyway today has been a 'doggy paddle day' and I have managed to stay afloat - just!!!!  I hope everyone else has managed to stay afloat too.......

Love and more comforting (((((((((hugs))))))))) for all

Dot xxxxxxxxxx

Hi. I recognise a few names. I don't know if you remember me (some of you) ?  Had to take time out of this site for lots of reasons .

 Don't know why, but felt a huge need to return. I have been feeling so similar to all of you it seems. I thought that i was just being silly, feeling like this still after so long. I feel that  other people's lives have just gone on but mine has been in limbo. Pretence is so easy at work, or it was until coming up to the 2 yr mark in July. I don't want this to sound selfish, but I feel for the first time in ages that I am not abnormal in feeling like this. I am not happy that you are feeling similar emotions, but comforted by the fact that it is not so uncommon. I was starting to feel embarassed that I had been so up and down over the past year, so not in control.

Anyway, just to say that my heart goes out to you all. I really hope you are all managing to get by in your own ways.  Thinking of you all. x

hi all

well yes i did the 10k! glad I did, we ran nearly all of it 3 short walks at 3k,7k and a very brief one at 9k so we could finish with a run. And we had a quick toilet stop at 5k because my friend needed it and we were to stick together. (the really annoying bit was there was no signs to say you had to go into the building for the loo, so we ran 100m past it before seeing a marshal and had to run back 100m!) so all in all I think our time of 1h 24min was rather good.

everyone does seem to be feeling rather low at the moment, and big hugs all round. Not sure what it is, we can't blame the wether this time. I think alot of us have difficult dates in these few months, I do not know what is going to hppen with me over the next couple of months, I don't dread just one date, but the whole 7 weeks from the time of his diagnosis till he was gone, it was all so dramatic and fast, and I still don't know and never will understand how I didn't see it earlier.

enough of that for now. coral you are not silly, and it is just good to talk with others sometimes who have been there. 2 years is no time at all.

Ailsa, pam, bren, patricia, dot, helen and anyone i have forgotten get those wet suits on and keep swimming! Has anyone herd from Gayle lately, its been a while since her post and she sounded unwell and low, if you are reading this hope you are OK.

I have a couple of days off work now, thought i might ache a bit, and I was right, my hips are seriously unhappy.

take care all

becky