I’m going to be bold

Love it it’s great so true so clever and so brave well done a useful session too it seems if you can write like that. 

Wow. You nailed it!

It’s very good. A true portrayal of our feelings and experiences. I particularly empathised with the line, “Come and say hello and see the look in my eyes”. That says it all. The pain that we hold within us runs deep. As we know, we have to mask it most of the time. Kate. Xxx

Hello all,

Not posted here for a few months – been reading everything but unable to respond. Been going through a really bad time. I remembered my beloved Anne telling me “If you can’t say anything nice, then keep quiet”.

So I have kept reading, but, I’m sorry, but I haven’t had anything “nice” or “positive” to say.

I miss her SO much.

Her cuddles in bed in the wee small hours while we watched the colours of the sunrise over the mountains in the early morning light.

Holding hands while walking by the river and the loch.

Giggling at the buzzard chicks, crash landing in the trees in the woods behind the house while they try to work out how their wings work.

Laughing at the antics of the Pine Marten kits gambolling in the garden late at night as their mum brings food.

Marvelling at the speed and agility of the bats devouring the midges (Oh Lord there’s hordes of them, Scottish vampires!) every evening.

Watching the badgers and their young, and the mountain hares heading for a drink in the burn at the bottom of the garden (and eating their way through all the plants and veggies we spent so long planting!)

Waiting for the red deer to come down from the hills in the autumn and demolish everything we hadn’t fenced off -remembering me calling out “there’s a deer on the hill” at 6 am just after we moved here – within a year it was “Bloody deer are back again!”

Oh My God, I miss her.

Two months ago I was referred by my brilliant GP to the mental health/psychiatric unit at the “local” hospital (well, 55 miles away, local is relative in the Highlands!) After a 2.5 hour meeting (meant to be 45 mins), they told me I was confirmed as suffering with “Traumatic Bereavement”, and needed “Bereavement Counselling”, “Specialist Trauma Counselling” and probably “Therapy for PTSD” due to the circumstance of my Anne’s “passing” – something too many of you are also tragically aware of.

Unfortunately, none of these are available for at least 6-9 months due to waiting lists :( So they have prescribed me a 6 month course of Prozac (which I have declined).

I can SO much identify with with this beautiful poem. It sums me up completely.

Come and say hello, see the look in my eyes. 
Back away. Back off.

We’ll try again next week. 
Do the neighbours hear me? 
Screaming out my grief.

I have been there - watching a "friend" recoil and then scurry away after answering a query on "How did she die?" - and I only gave the PG version!

Thanks to help from my GP and the mental health team at my local surgery, I am now, slowly, so very slowly, starting to climb out of the nightmare abyss.

I am now, very, very slowly, starting to move from the trauma of Anne’s last 9 months, her suffering, her screams of pain and agony as the cancer destroyed her.

I am now just starting to be able to remember her as the wonderful, loving, beautiful woman she was, not the shadow of what she became.

But, My God it hurts! Knowing that I will never know that love again, that magic is gone.

The only comfort I have is the posts on this group, and the song I referenced a few months ago (I Am Not Okay by Home Free)

I am not okay,
I'm barely getting by,
I'm losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I'm just hanging on the rails
So if I say I'm fine
Just know I learned to hide it well.

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life.

But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain't all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I'm better off
Layin' in that dirt.

I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But we're all gonna be alright

I have to believe – We are going to be alright.

It might take time. It might take a long time alone in darkness.

Longer than we want, longer than “friends” think is possible..

But, please, keep posting here.  I have seen, despite my absence, people CARE, we support each other, even if we may not respond immediately.

We support each other.

We are going to be alright.

We will survive.

We will make our loved ones proud of how we lived,

Remembering them, loving them, cherishing and sharing their memories,

be it ever so hard.

She lived for those she loved

Sorry for the waffling, its been a very hard time

Chris

That was lovely MrsVT Well Done!

Can relate to it very much. Yes it is hard and I am very aware of my neighbours `hearing me` now the walls in these flats are paper thin and sometimes you hear everything and we are just about living on top of one another. My neighbour below me keeps asking if I'm alright because she says she never hears me and always says `they're there for me` even my neighbour on the other side said the same but at the end of the day you wonder if it's just talk. They all have their own lives to be getting on with and I don't want to seem as though I am imposing. They see me out and about though so I take it they assume I am ok. 

Hello `Jealous`

No that's not `waffling` think you have said what most of us are thinking sounds like a lovely setting you live in. Midges! `Scottish Vampires` love it! know about them only too well being in the west coast of Scotland (Glasgow). Jay and I had a static caravan in Argyll which we went to at every opportunity our `wee home from home` but I had to let it go when he passed just too much financially for me to keep going on my own offered it to my son to keep going but he refused. It was Jay's `happy place` and he loved it `peace and quiet in abundance` away from the rat race part of him still `remains` over there when I went to sell the van on I took some of Jays ashes with me and scattered them there. He always wanted us to move there permanent so in a way he got his wish and part of him is there I still have the other part here with me. Take Care.

Very well done MrsVT.  You should be proud. 

You are not waffling,  we are here for each other. So please feel free to ramble or rant. Please look after yourself. 

Chris

Your journey is similar to ours Simon had Cancer for 2 and half years 2 operations bowel and then it returned small bowel and stomach another operation chemo nothing worked had chemo stopped due to effecting heart then more appointments bad news after bad news it spread lungs heart lymph nodes cut long story short tried palliative care at home but couldn't get on top of pain screaming for me to help him in the end we ending in hospice he really didn't want to go but they had stronger drugs and on call doctor but his bowel blocked and perforated and he was screaming in the end had to put him sedated I did lay with him for 3 days before a horror passing.  it is something I cannot get out of my head. We were together everyday for 30 years love being together he made me laugh everyday now I just cry every day. I have started writing to him in a daily diary it helps 

That sounds truly horrific. Your poor, poor Simon. You must have had terrible nightmares and trauma from this. It is horrible watching the person you love most in the world, suffering. My Paul had kidney and liver cancer, and we cared for him at home until the last three days. The pain relief was no where near enough, and he needed much more morphine. I pushed to get him into St Barnabas, against much competition. They had ten beds, but could only fund three of them. He also had terminal agitation, and we had to monitor him 24/7. I stayed over, and held his hand. I just kept telling him to “Let go.”  I am so glad his suffering is over. Thank you for your honesty, it important to tell the truth. Kate. Xxx