My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening all.  Lynne I am so sorry to read about your daughter but it sounds like it is what she wants so it will be for the best once it is sorted out.  On top of the other emotional feelings you have ahd recently it must be hard for you to watch.  I know I am feeling very bad about my daughters sudden redundancy and worrying about her getting something else that she likes before money gets too tight.  I hate to see the kids having troubles and feel it so much not having Chris around to talk it through with.

Hi Blackburn & Piglet.  It is nice to hear from you both and I hope you keep posting.  The support on here is brilliant - I don't what I would do if I hadn't found this site.

Becky I hope you are okay and not working too hard.  I realise that may well be a ridiculous thing to say as what you described in your post sounds like a nightmare.  You do a wonderful job but you must look after yourself as well.

I've been having a bit of a wobble myself this week with a few tears.  People I work with don't realise I am very close to the 2nd anniversary of losing Chris - why should they?  I have been 'volunteered by my senior manager to make a presentation at a management forum on the 15th.  I have tried to join in but I am having to admit my confidence has taken a massive battering in the past 2 years.  I didn't sleep at all on Monday worrying about it.  I didn't feel like I could do it but also didn't want to be 'labelled' if I admitted how I felt.  I finally discussed it with my daughter and we worked out a way I could speak to my HR director about it without jeopardising my future.  The good news is that the HR director appears to have been very understanding.  I am still doing the presentation on the 15th but I will not be doing it alone.  I can't believe how much this thing has upset me this week.  I just didn't know which way to turn.  More than ever it has made me feel like one half of a whole thing.

On a more positive note, although I am finding April to be a very difficult month I have to say I am a 100% better than I was last April so that is a step in the right direction.  I was surprised to find I am feeling low this time but to be fair to me I would have been expecting far too much if I honestly thought April wasn't going to affect me this time round.  My slightly dodgy breathing has returned but I know now that that will pass so all in all it isn't all bad.

I hope everyone else looking is doing okay.  Fiona should be having a lovely time in New York and Rosemary is about to become a Mother-in law.  I'm off to Manchester on Saturday to meet a few good friends I have made on here.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Ailsa, sorry you are having a bit of a bad time at the moment, anniversaries can be so emotive.  I am glad that you are coping better this year than last and that gives me hope that things will improve for me as time passes.

I am sure you will enjoy your meet in Manchester, it is good to meet up with good friends isn’t it.

Take care and keep swimming

Pammie xx

Hi there penguins - sorry I haven't been online for a while but as some of you may know I have been away on holiday for two weeks - I went over to the US and Canada with my youngest son John and his fiancee Caz - we had a fabulous time - though when the plane took off from Manchester I was in tears as it was a holiday Will and I had wanted to go on for some time.

We stayed in Fredericksburg Virginia, then travelled up to Toronto and Oshawa in Ontario - maybe Bren knows the area - during the drive we went via Niagara Falls - it had been snowing - about 10-15inches deep - and it was just magnificent, everything was covered in a frost from the mist of the falls even the trees - it looked just like Narnia!!  We went up the CN Tower in Toronto and walked on the glass floor, very scary!! lol  we then travelled down to New York City and stayed there for 3 nights and went on a river trip round the Hudson and East Rivers, we saw all the usual sites and did plenty of shopping!! My bank balance look decidedly unhealthy right now!!  We then went back to Virginia and had a few days relaxing at my friends house.

I am now back home and back to reality!!  I am now approaching the first anniversaries of Wills diagnosis and eventual passing away.  Next week on the 14th is when we found out that that cancer had returned but this time mets in his liver.... and each week there its something to remind me that last year was the worst one of my life... I fully understand how Becky is feeling - I think we became part of this club at the same time - July last year!!  I am dreading the next 3 months!!  I wish I could go to sleep and this was all a bad dream but its not - its horribly real

I never understood the concept of what it would be like to be widowed - my only contact with this kind of thing was when my Dad died and how my Mum coped - she seemed to cope!! she was always busy and never seemed to crumble like I do - she seemed to be able to get on with her life and carry on almost as though nothing had happened, she was either a very good actress or she really did cope with what had happened.

Whilst I was in Oshawa I saw a relative of mine who had lost her husband back in 1995 and I said to her I now fully understand why she fell apart like she did - she told me it will be at least two year before the tears start to stop - another 15months of this - arrrggghhhh!!!

Another thing I have done - I have ordered a memorial bench for Will - I may have mentioned this before and if I have I apologise for repeating myself - anyway - its arrived and it is fabulous I am so pleased with it - in another few weeks I shall be going with my son Mike and his friend to Lindisfarne where I have permission to put the bench.  When its in place I will let you know.

Ailsa I hope you enjoy your time in Manchester I am 9 miles south of there and would have loved to meet up with you but I have already made arrangements for Saturday afternoon in Doncaster - so have a fabulous time there.  Then again you may not have wanted to meet up - I think I am being a little forward here maybe?

Well in my usual way I am still up and should be heading for my bed - so I will finish now - I am glad to be back within the huddle - I have found your support so helpful - thank you all so much

Good night my penguin friends - many (((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))) to you all and I hope you all have a peaceful weekend

Janet xx

Ailsa, so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time but not at all surprised. I know so well how difficult these times can be. Of course it has not been made any easier by the stress you have been under at work. I hope that you manage to get through the next few weeks without too many health issues. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))).

Sending supportive (((((hugs))))) to all penguins and hoping y0u have the best day you can.

Rosemary, I hope that you and your family have a fantastic day on Saturday. Remember we will be right beside you when you give your speach. x x x x

Well, my son's partner is now sporting a lower leg cast but is still non weight bearing until at least 28th April when her next hospital appointment is.

My daughter in law has taken to motherhood very well and is looking radiant these days. Kanon is growing into a lovely child and they are happy little family unit.

My daughter is struggling right now as she is missing her beloved dad so much. It breaks my heart to see her so sad. I guess she just wants to talk to him and share the good things in her life with him. (How I wish for that also). Anyway, enough of me.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Welcome back Janet. I have been to Niagara Falls but in the Autumn. Such different views. (((hugs)))) for you to help you through the next few months. Sorry our posts seem to have crossed.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

To all the penguins!

It is reassuring to know that despite the pain of losing a loved one, that there is hope.  I still have my partner and can't imagine my life without him. I admire those who have found the strength to move on, hard as it is.  And I am humbled by those suffering this awful disease, and how they find the courage to fight it. 

Thanks for the support from fellow penguins.

Sheena xxxx

Hi all

Rosemary, as Patricia said, we will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping it turns out to be a wonderful day although there will be sad moments, I do hope you can enjoy parts of it.  Ailsa, sending huge hugs to you, anniversaries are so very difficult and I don't think it matters how long, you have come so far on this horrible journey and you will see the sunshine again. 
Janet welcome back, yes I do know that area, I live an hour's drive from Toronto and an hour and a half from Niagara.  The fall in winter is such a beautiful sight.  We used to travel there once in a while, now if I head that direction it is to go over the border and shop in the United States.  And to get to Montreal I do need to drive through Toronto and Oshawa.  Next time perhaps we could meet up.

I am having ups and downs, seems like I need to find a balance, if I am out several nights in a week, I get really tired and if I am home too much alone, I get very sad so I need to work at that.  I am going with a friend to visit her son and DIL on Sunday, that will be a nice afternoon in the country.  Next week is car maintenance, another chore that became mine and my craft group meets on Wed and that is really fun.

I meet with an oral surgeon on Thursday to discuss a small operation on my gum which I am dreading, sounds so painful but must be done.  Another event to go through alone although I have had two different friends offer to drive me back and forth.

Must get back to work now but wish all of you a good and peaceful weekend, hugs to all

Bren

Evening everyone.  First, and foremost, Janet you would have been very welcome to join us in Manchester if you had been free.  The invite was open to all my penguin friends.  it's funny you are in Doncaster tomorrow as that is coming my way as I go your way!  There do seem to be quite a few of us in this same area so there will be other opportunities for you to join us.  It sounds like you have had a lovely holiday.

Thank you all for your kind words since I posted last night.  My day at work was very busy so my breathing troubled me again but this evening I am very calm.  This is such an up & down ride.  I can't explain myself but I am very, very certain that after the bank holiday my mood will lift so not long now.  I am looking forward to the summer so it really isn't all bad for me right now, just a hard month.

Bren I am sure everything will be okay for your operation but I understand how hard it is to do it on your own.  Car maintenance as well!  I am dropping my van off for it's MOT on Monday.  It isn't due until the end of April but it can be done anytime now so I thought I would get started on it.  I think I will sell it this year so best to get this done now.

Sheena it is lovely to hear from you again.  I hope you are both looking after yourselves.

Evening Pam & Patricia.  I hope you are okay this evening as well.  Today has been so warm and summery that I have been and bought a new, smaller lawn mower and some decking oil.  I want to spend much more time in my garden this year.  I will be sitting on my bench as well - I can't look back from here and can't remember who is getting the bench.  I will kick myself when I can check who it is!  I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.  Take care.  Ailsa xxx 

Good Morning my amazing and wonderful Penguins!  Forgive me but I will have to properly read all your posts and catch up later (my goodness how much I have missed so sending new and regular penguins a big big hug) I just wanted to come on and thank you all so much for all your words and messages here and on Facebook and via text, the support and love helped me get through not only "the big day" but leading up to it all and last night coming home alone to an empty house.

We had THE most amazing day, Samantha looked amazing and absolutely beautiful, radiant and happy.  Wayne looked at her with such love and tenderness that I am happy for them and can only hope they remain together for as long as Steve and I have and of course much, much longer in health and happiness.  So many people complimented me on my dress I was pleased I found it and it felt so comfortable and right (although half way through the day I went and dragged off the "big knickers" and put back on the ordinary ones - sooooo much more comfortable and if it all hung out and wobbled about so be it ha ha!), I nearly had a disaster with my hair, we both had ours done at 8 a.m (Sam's was put up beautifully) and when the girl had finished I hated it (didn't tell her), it was just not me and felt glued and wrong but luckily we had a bit of time so I came straight home, washed it and blow dried it myself and was so much happier and even after taking the hat off and not having it all glued with hairspray all I needed to do was bash it about with my fingers and it was fine.  The speech.... just as hard as I imagined but I made it.  Stopped several times and did most of it throught the tears but looking around the room I just thought 'heck they're all family and friends and it's ok' then Waynes uncle called out "Go on you can do it" and I just thought of all you lot out there too in a huddle and somehow managed to get tears and laughter from the crowd.  After all that we then had a manic evening where my sisters and I did things on the dance floor we were just glad the video man didn't witness - although the photographer snuck up a couple of times!  My feet and knees aren't quite speaking to me this morning but boy did they complain all night in bed!! 

Anyway my lovelies I've done the horses, wee'd and fed Kai (he's now maniclly playing with a chew bone) and I'm off to pick up my boys shortly, then back to the hotel later to pick up bits and pieces and see my lovely daughter - the new Mrs. Brands.  So I will try and catch up properly with you all later this evening but thank you again for "being there" with me through all of this - photos should be appearing on Facebook soon :-))  Love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Rosemary , i've just read your lovely account of the day in tears ..why ? not sure but it shows how close we have all become . I'm so glad that we we're "there" for you to help you through the day and i cant wait to see the pictures . xx

I had a really difficult day on the 3 rd anniversary of losing mum , i can only think i was still numb last year . I was so sorry to miss the manchester meet but as i've said on face book , we took mum to dancing on ice 4 years ago and she loved it so much and although we have been back since , when we realised it was on the 9th we knew we had to go on that day for her . We`also had her fav tipple of rum and fresh orange , it was quite nice even though i don't drink shorts really . Tha dancing on ice was great but i ended the day in tears again .

Oh well i'm still swimming and cycling , might be with arm bands on (swimming ) not the cycling but i'll get there again .

 Love and hugs to you all ..

Lynne xxxx