My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Hi all

well I made it through the week without a complete melt down. It was a long and tiring week and my feet and legs hurt so much at the end of the days that I got very little training done for my 10km. but its done now and I don't think I have to cover the ward next week so should be much easier.

Rosemary I am so glad your daughters wedding went so well. I am glad you got through the speach but everyone there will have understood and everyone here was willing you on.

Ailsa I am still to face the anniversary thing though as the wether is improving I am getting more and more the 'this time last year' feeling, when we knew he was ill, getting worse but know idea what it was. All this talk of weddings, we were happily planning and getting excited about ours. anyway my point is anniversaries must be so hard and the lead up i think is harder.

Lynne i am glad you managed to do something memorable on your mums anniversary. It is ok to have a good cry and a few days of feeling low at those times. But you are such a strong swimmer you just keep going.

Pam you have gone quieter on here, though you seem to be posting a little more on other threads on this site. I get the feeling you are struggling a bit. Big hugs to you, keep writing.

Patricia and bren and janet, its good to hear about your trips away and keeping busy. these things make each day pass a bit more bareably. I find that keeping myself busy and with a goal has help somewhat, but i have overdone it a bit at times and just need to stop for a rest. I think the balance is so hard to hit. As my 10km run gets closer I am actually getting worried that I will have no focus following it and I will be entering a couple of very difficult months. daft to think about that so soon, I still have the run to go and that is going to give me enough pain to keep me busy for a while!!

Keep swimming, even if its just a slow doggy paddle.

Becky 

Well done Rosemary, I knew you could do. I am so glad the day went well and I am sure that Sam looked divine.

Lynne, what a lovely way to honour your lovely mum. I hope you manage to have some laughs amonst the tears.

Becky, well done on getting through the last week. I am sure it was very difficult for you.

Thanks Ailsa for organising the Manchester meet. A lovely day with even lovelier people.

Today I went to mum and Ray's 'special' place with my dad. The sun was shining and the views were spectacular if a little hazy. At Easter each year a huge cross is errected nearby and the current one is made from wood which was reclaimed after the Manchester bombing of 15th June 1996. It can be seen for miles around as it is on high ground. There are daffodils growing proudly in the surrounding area at the base of the cross and the whole thing looks very majestic.

I hope that all penguins old and new have the best evening they can.

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Janet, glad you enjoyed your holiday.  It is so surreal without them isn’t it, but we have to carry on regardless.

Yes it is all those firsts and ‘this time last years’ that bring you down don’t they.  I am also at that stage.  This time last year we had no idea that the indigestion Martin was experiencing was no more than that.  He went for an endoscopy on 23rd and then our world fell apart

I had some friends that were widowed before me, but had no idea what they were actually going through, you never know until you are walking in their shoes.  I would think your mum was going through the same but had the inner strength to hide it from you.  What a wonderful mum she was.

Hope you are feeling a bit better Bren.  I often think that bereavement is like an illness, if you do too much you get tired very quickly and if you get tired you do start to fall apart somewhat.  We have to learn not to do too much at once.

I hope your operation goes well and am pleased that you have friends who are there for you.  We do need our friends to see us through don’t we.

Ailsa, sorry that your month has not gone too well and hope that you are picking up.  I would think your meet in Manchester lifted your spirits.  It is good to meet up with friends who know how you really feel.  I hope that I will be able to join one of the meets at a future date, I really enjoyed meeting you all in Manchester in February.

Rosemary I am so glad that you had a good day yesterday and that your speech went well.  You should feel so proud that you gave your daughter such a send off.  I bet she really appreciated what you did.  You are always looking out for everyone else it is good that the day you helped plan was all you hoped for.

Lynne I am so sorry that your mum’s anniversary was so upsetting.  All those dammed dates that come along.  I am glad that you had a good day going to Dancing on Ice.  I bet your mum was looking on and smiling.

Becky, I am glad that you made it through your rather difficult week and have come out the other end relatively unscathed.  You are right, I have been having a rather difficult patch.  As some things get a bit easier, some seem to be getting harder.  Everyone has now gone back to their own lives and I feel that I am just left here hanging.  Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family are always there for me, but I am feeling so alone lately and find the thought of all the lonely years stretched before me so daunting.  I know that I should not look too far into the future, but sometimes it just wells up before me and I get a lot scared. 

I have been out in the garden today, starting to weed the garden, what an effort that is going to be.  I cut the grass and then decided to try and use the strimmer.  This was something Martin always did and a lot better than my latest efforts.  How on earth do you strim the edges of the lawn in a straight line.  It is probably something that I will learn with practice.  All these things that are left up to us to do now.  It is just so sad.

I had a few problems with things today that I could not sort out for myself.  I get so annoyed when I find things I cannot do for myself.  But then my daughter and SIL came round and helped sort out all the problems.  So I should be lucky that they are always on hand to help me.

I have my daughter from Wales coming down next weekend with the grandchildren, so that should be good.  Will be hectic, but will help take my mind off things.

I do find, that as the months go on I not cry so much, but I am feeling a little sad lately and a little scared.  I suppose this is normal and yet another thing I have to deal with.  But I am finding the story of the Dragonfly comforting and when I am really sad I just think of the story and that seems to calm me some.  We must believe that they are still watching over us somewhere.

Well, that is enough waffling for tonight.  So I will wish all you lovely penguins a peaceful night and as good a week as you can have. And although it is so hard sometimes, we just have to keep swimming.

Take care

Pammie xx

Hi everyone,  I don't write on here very much so I haven't really got to know anyone really well.  I do however read all your posts and I think when I wrote before I said how I can recognise my own feelings and unhappiness in most of what everyone says.  My lovely husband Ken died 8 months ago on wednesday coming the 13th he died on Friday the 13th August 2010.  I just can't believe 8 months have passed and I have been to bed and got up all the hundreds of nights and mornings without him.  Someone said in their last post that it all feels so surreal without them and it so does.  I go places with friends and do things and I suddenly stop and think what am I doing here at this time and day.  I feel so so strange in this life that I now have to live.  I feel so so tired and worn out and sad.  I am getting worse I think rather than better, I cry more and I miss Ken more and more as the time gets longer.  I want to see him and touch him and hold him and talk to him just one more time.  I know this can never be and it scares me so much sometimes.  The hurt I feel is so so bad I sometimes don't know what to do with myself.I have been doing our little garden as the weather is so nice, well our garden but it was Kens work and his talent that made it as it is.

Year after year Ken won the Cardiff in Blook gardening competition and was so proud.  He was a Judge in the last 5 years or so and he enjoyed that so much.  I feel such pain that he isn't out int he garden that he will never plant his flowers again that he won't see it growing anymore, well maybe he will, I so hope he will.  I am doing my best out there trying to make it nice but it will never be the same as when he lovingly spent hour after hour out there.  All I can do as I work out in the garden is cry I just want him to be there with me.  The comfortable happy hours we spent outside, him gardening and me helping or sitting in the sun sometimes with a friend.  I sometimes wonder what lies ahead of me in this life and it scares me so much because I feel so alone.  I have loads of lovely friends but the only person I want is Ken.  I want to go back in time and live all the happy times again.  I am so sorry everyone if I have been morbid and miserable.  The tears come all the time now, I amworse rather than better.  I hope you are all feeling better than I am at least.  Bye for now.  Janetx

Dear Janet (janken2), reading your post I could visualise my life at the beginning of this unasked for and unwanted journey. I would go places and do things but always wonder just why was I doing them and why was I even bothering. It was as though I was watching someone else's life on a black and white tv screen. Now when I look back, I wonder what I have been doing for the past 2 years. It is difficult to remember most of the time and hard to imagine that my darling is never coming back. My pain is not so raw now as it was then, but most days the wound is reopened in one way or another even if only for a few minutes. There is not a day goes by in which I do not think about him or mention his name and for that I am glad. . Everyone talks about all the 'firsts' and that is fine, but 'firsts' do not stop after the first year is over. We will have many more 'firsts' throughout our life and we will find them difficult but we will get through them in the best way we can. I have just taken my first 'airport' train since Ray died and found it very upsetting because it brought back very sad memories. Get yourself into the middle of this kind and caring penguin huddle and feel the warmth and love emminating from it's members. I hope that time will help you to accept your new life (existence).

Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x

Jan,

You have just managed to put into words the way I feel....so sad

Kay

Dear Patricia,  Thank you so much for your reply.  It is so good to know that others understand how I feel.  I am not sure I will ever accept this new life (existence is the right word)  I feel it will always be an existence.  Without my Ken who I have lived for for 39 years there is nothing really.  Sorry but tonight I feel totally shattered, from what I really don't know, just with going through the day I think.  Thank you so much again.

Love and Hugs to you Patricia and to everyone else onherexxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Kay,

I am so glad you understand how I feel, putting things into words is difficult and sometimes I feel too tired to even try.

Write to me anytime you feel you want to.

Lots of Love Janetxxxxxxx

Dear Janet (janken2), tiredness was and often still is a way of life for me now. Sometimes even breathing seems to take a huge effort. I do hope that you are able to have a better day today. Nature has been very cruel and sadistic in the hand she has dealt us all.

To all penguins, I am hoping that you are managing to get by each day without falling apart mmm...... I know that is a big ask, but this penguin is here to offer comforting hugs.

Well last night I did the unthinkable. I actually had an argument with a patient.( she was insisting that I had said a few things which I know without a doubt that I did not say and I would not back down.  I hate confrontation and as a result I ended up very distressed and very upset. I feel so ashamed of myself for not upholding my professional front. I sooo hate that once again I was reduced to tears. The moral of this tale is do not go into health care.

Love and angel hugs to you all x x x Patricia x x x

Oh Patricia - I think it is time you got into the middle of our huddle and had a little pampering and care - just for you.......And no arguing - I am unanimous in this!!!!!!

Whilst we may not be professional carers we all have been - or still are - carers ....and arguments seem to be par for the course!!!!!  As I keep finding out!!!!

Love and many comforting ((((hugs)))) for you my friend

Dot xxxxxxxx