My husband - Chris - died on the 2nd May 2009 because he had anal cancer. He knew he was going and we spoke about lots and lots of things before he died. That is why I am just not prepared for the huge amount of guilt I feel now. I feel guilty that the world hasn't stopped turning round even though he has died. I feel like everything should stop as a mark of respect. I also feel very guilty that he had to be so ill he had to die. What a cruel cruel thing it is to make someone so ill their body just stops working. I wasn't ready for him to go. I really really hope these are normal feelings because I must hang on to my sanity for the sake of my 3 children. I have never known sadness like I feel right now. I can't believe that I will not hear his voice or feel his touch again. We were married for almost 32 years and I have known Chris for 34 years - since I was 16. What happens now? Ailsa
lynne big hugs, huddling around you with the rest.
clare and daffie it is a very individual thing for people to decide about councilling, and as I understand it there are also very different councillors! for me I was sceptical but asked for councilling as I had got to a point where I had said things to family and friends and they were still going round in my head, just because they had been said did not mean they were sorted but others seem to think things were resolved or i would upset there if i was really brutally honest about what i was thinking. For me I think it made a big difference, its just talking, so i am not claiming it solved everything, far from it, but it helped. Everyone on here has helped me in the same way. Don't know where I would be without either thing. I still see the councillor every other week and she is helping me with all the new things and feelings with trying to carry on with work and my own life. But i do know that it does not work for everyone.
Gayle i hope your cold is passing and i am glad the op helped if only a bit. enjoy some quiet time next week and then your break in dublin.
Pam it has been a bit odd on here recently without your posts you have been filling your time visiting others so much and holidaying of late. I am glad the holiday gave you some relief but the happy couples thing is hard. I can not yet imagine a sunny fun holiday yet but i would like to get away this year but i think visiting family may be more the sort of thing. Maybe my cousin in the states if she will have me.
Ailsa i am like you, Marks things have been mainly put away but not sorted or removed. I can't face doing it. there are some things that i have never moved, the pair of clean socks he never actually put on and his glasses are sitting on top of the DVD rack, of all places. There is even food in the freezer we bought for him as a treat i can't bring myself to eat or throw away, jam rolly polly! Not to mention the burgers I had just bought for the BBQ we were going to have the day I had to call 999 and he was admitted to hospital for the last time. Stupid i know. One day i am told i will manage it, but for now these things are not doing any harm. sorry waffling and starting to wollow now.
patricia, fiona, susan I hope you are all feeling ok this weekend. Helen i hope you are also doing well.
I am off to hull today when i get off here and actually manage to make myself move.
have as good a weekend as you all can.
Becky
Becky, sending you big comforting (((((hugs)))). It is not easy to remove evidence of our loved ones and their life with us. It feel like erasing them but it is not. Because they can never, ever be erased form out lives, our thoughts, our memories. I too still have things in the freezer (the ice poles which I bought for him to use whilst enduring the long hours of chemotherapy). They are there maily because I have never ever thought to disguard them and camer across them the other day whilst rummaging in the freezer. All his other belongings are still in the house (except for one or two items given to the boys). I am slowly (and I mean slowly) coming around to the idea that perhaps I should move them some place else in the house. You are by no means 'stupid'. Some people find it easier to do these things than others. Take care Becky, be kind to yourself. It is so early for you that I wonder how you are actually surviving. I look back over the past two years and struggle to remember most of it. I lived in an absolute fog most of the time and whenever I was in company would invariable disappear inside my own head with my memories (often I fear appearing rude or distant to the people I was with). This does happen less often now though but it is still hard to come home to an empty house. Oh dear, here come the tears. I loved my husband so much that I wonder how I can survive for many more years without him but of course I will go on for as long as my natural life span decrees. I think I better close now as I am starting to ramble.
Take care dear penguin friend.
Love and angel hugs x x x Patricia x x x
p.s. I hope everyone else manages to have a good weekend x xx
Lynne I am here for you too, hop in the middle, I also suspect Patricia needs to jump in the middle as well so hugs for you both.
I have been reading the posts on counselling, I did go at first a few times to an individual counsellor, she was good and at that time I think what I needed but my insurance did not pay for her and it was very expensive so I only went 3 times. The funeral parlour recommended a group which I did call but had to wait until spring to get into. It was the best thing I did. That particular group was so nurturing and it was so good to talk to others in person who were although at different stages, we all were going through the same experiences, like the penguins. I made a good friend at that group, the one who travelled to Montreal with me. We continued with the next group in the fall as well and met some more lovely ladies who now meet once a month for dinner as we don't want to stop meeting. I was also invited by the priest at my school to join a new grief group last fall. It was different, but also what I needed at the time and I also met another lovely ladie who has become a friend. I think it is different for all of us and you need to do what you are comfortable with.
I did clear out most of Danny's things last summer but that was when I was ready to do it. I also have a large memory box with special things in it. Doing the work on the house which we had planned although chosing the type of floor was difficult as it was my decision now, no one to consult with, it is great to have it done but sad that I have made and am continuing to make so many little and big changes that Dan will not see. I am moving on to make this my house now and do have moments wondering what he would think of it all. He had wanted the new driveway so badly and never got to see it, he only saw a picture while he was in hospital.
I do find that I am much better since getting away for the break, it did give me the boot I needed to get myself moving and doing things. Seems like I can manage for a while, doing ok but then start to slip back. This weekend, I had planned on getting some rest as I am so worn out from work, the school is so over crowded, the sheer volume of people is overwhelming. (Teri, your sister may be reading about it in the local paper). So hoping for one day to watch movies and sit and rest but I have to be careful about weekends because I tend to not see anyone and then start getting sad again because I am alone.
Hope you all are enjoying your weekends, sounds like it is Mother's day over there, ours is in May.
Ailsa, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Do you not find that, just because you have been through so much, it does not exclude you from the ups and downs of life. You think that you would be left alone for a while to grow stronger, but no…. life still slings it at you.
Oh Lynne, so sorry that you feel so down, you are such a great lady. There should be enough of us now, so you get right in the middle of the huddle. You have been there for all of us and now you must let us carry you for a while xx.
Becky, it is nice to know I have been missed. Yes been out and about a bit lately. Have had to keep running, can’t risk standing still for too long. While I am running I am not thinking as much, don’t like thinking, it is too painful. I hope you are able to get away for a while, you are owed a break.
I had a stack of food in the freezer from when Martin was ill. He was on a liquid diet for quite a while and I got to be a whizz at making soup. And there was all the special foods I got him to encourage him to eat when he was finally back on solid food. But unfortunately, we did not know at the time, the cancer was much further advanced than was thought, so most of the food did not get eaten. I could not bring myself to eat it once he was gone. So, when my daughter came to stay she helped me sort out the freezer. We threw all the soups away, a waste I know, but it had to be done. Then I gave my daughter all the food I got in specially for Martin to take back home with her. Now I live on dinners for one or anything I can put in between to slices of bread. Food holds no joy for me now. I think I put that down to the nature of Martin's illness. With stomach cancer food is such an enemy.
Becky, do not apologise for ‘waffling’ or ‘wallowing’. You are doing no such thing, you are telling it as it was. We have all been there in some form and all know what you are saying.
Patricia, I know what you mean about disappearing into your head. Many times, when I am in company, the conversation fades away and I am with Martin and his illness and the caring for him. It feels so strange. Somehow I am listening to what is being said, but am not really there, I am in my own world. A world I inhabit quite frequently. A world that has Martin in it.
Please, Patricia, join Lynn in the middle of our huddle, because this time I think you need to be there. Please be gentle with yourself my friend.
Bren, I am glad you enjoyed your break. I think we all need one once in a while.
Well I think that is about it for now. I just wish you all as good a day tomorrow (heavens, it is nearly tomorrow already!!) as you can have.
Lots and lots of (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) to you all my penguin friends and try to keep swimming.
Love
Pammie xx
how on earth do we get through this nightmare!!! everyday is a struggle, i'm sick of being strong.arrrggg. how am i suppose to carry on? i know i have the kids. but god. why am i a widow so young(47) i thought we had years together, even planning to buy a caravan when steve retired he worked all his life never been of sick, then was taken away 8wks after being diagnosed, what great help his doc was!!! time after time he went back due to weight loss, feeling tired. but no, the doc did nothing, just back from mexico maybe i'm just on a downer at the minute, i keep buying plants for the garden, i's the only thing giving me comfort just now, bought some memorial plaques to put beside them too. i'm trying so hard to keep his memory alive where ever i am in house of outside
Hi Blackbun,
I dont know if it gets easier my husband died of oesophageal cancer last May im 45. I can still only do one day at a time. I act normally in front of people at work etc but most of the time I live inside my head. If I think too far into the future I actually feel physically sick dont really feel part of the world its like i watch it through glass. I dont really even like going to shopping centres we used to go there when Bill was ill - I look at places we used to go in for a coffee etc and it just makes me so sad, food had become such a problem. I dont usually post on this thread but I do read it as the people on here give me some inspiration to carry on. Take care.
hi all
lynne these things never go to plan but if your daughter was unhappy then probably better that the relationship is over now then after they got married. tough though it is. I hope you are starting to feel stronger in yourself though despite the difficulties from your daughter.
piglet and blackbun, i dont really think it matters how old we are, or not as in my case, the point is we never wanted to loose them, we never though we would spend so long without them and we planned to do so many things together we will now never do. I still can't look at old couples without feeling bitter, especially grumpy, ungreatful old couples. If looking to far forward scares, just dont. its hard because we are almost programmed to plan futures, but the thought that in 10 years i'll still have probably half my life left but he will have been gone so long. that I will now not be a mum because if i ever find I can even think about that it is going to be that long that i will be too old. When I am old i am likely to alone, peoples loved auntie or godmother but no ones parent or loved one to truely miss. Very very scary thoughs. live in now. We have all learned the hard way there may not be a future anyway so why stress about planning it. do what we can now, if we feel stronger at some point we can do more, but only if it feels right for us.
I have taken on more responsibility at work this week as we are really short on registras, so I am effectively doing 2 jobs. Not sure what it looks like to everyone else but in my head i am paddling like mad to stay afloat. when patients are really sick I am seriously douting my judgement and it feels like it is taking a long time to form a plan. And it is only going to get worse as all the juniors change over tomorrow, they will be in induction lectures all day and then not know anyone and how to get anything done when they do finall hit the wards, i think they may find me under the desk in the registras office gently rocking back and forth by tomorrow night!
wish me luck and if you know anyone in leicester tell them no one is allowed to get sick, its too stressful!!
take care all and swim hard against the current
becky
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