My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Claire,

I'm going through the agony of finding things Gary tucked away in drawers and cupboards.  Last week I found the letters and cards I sent him before we were married.  He had kept them safe for forty three years, and through five house moves.

I got a "memory box" for the all special things I want to keep.  Already it is overflowing.  It's the little things that bring back the memories, and the tears. 

I have been offered counselling at the hospice too, as one to one.  The first session is next week.  She was very insistant when she rang, so I gave in, thinking it would be easier to tell her  face to face that it is too late.  I needed help two months ago.  I can still see the counsellor at my GP's.  I thougt i had used up my quota, but she has swung some more sessions for me.  I feel very comfortable with her.  She supported me though the last months of Gary's illness.

I feel guilty at times about moving on with my life, but Gary made me promise that i would, so in a way, I am doing it for him.

Hope you have some better days.

Daffie xxx

Hello everyone,

Just thought I would drop in and then saw there were pages of posts lol.  I have been hibernating this week as I am loaded with the cold so feeling very rundown and fed up with it now.  I'm too busy to be ill so I am really hoping it lifts soon.  I think I will have a quiet weekend and hopefully feel better next week as I want to lift the grass in my garden and put chips down so I need to be back to full strength.  I am doing okay after the op although i wonder if that is why I have such a bad cold now as maybe it kind of weakened my immune system or something.  Although it hasn't cured the problem completely.  Feel slightly better but to be honest I think the only thing that will sort it is a hysterectomy and that is a big step so I will talk to the consultant in a couple of weeks time and see what other options are available.  The boys stop today for 2 weeks holiday but my mum and dad are taking them away monday to friday next week and then I am taking them to Dublin the following week so they won't have a chance to be bored.  I'm looking forward to some peace and quiet next week.  Thank you Rosemary for the box of toys you sent.  As you may have seen with the pics on FB they absolutely loved them and Ewan has now added the wolf family to his massive collection of other cuddly things that sleep with him.  He can barely get in the bed now lol.

Lynne, glad your dad's spirits are okay and that they removed the bone.  Hopefully it will help a little and what a lovely thing Kev did.  He sounds a good one :)  Fiona, I hope your dad is still doing okay and that you have a fantastic holiday with Kim.  Clare, I too turned down counselling at the hospice as I just didn't think it would work for me.  I get all the support I need here with people that really understand.  Ailsa, hope you have a nice time in Manchester next week and have something nice planned for this weekend.  Becky, glad you are feeling a bit better.  Strangely I too have suffered much badly with PMS since Wully died that I ever did before.  Must be a side effect of our grief and I think you are right in that anti depressants aren't the answer.  Bren, glad to hear you are making progress on the house and Patricia hope you are doing okay.  Sorry if I have missed anyone and sending you all big hugs.

Gayle x x x

Glad that you are feeling a bit better now Becky.  It is that dammed roller coaster ride, we think that we are getting this new life a bit sorted and then ..bam.. down we come with a bang.  I suppose that is just the nature of the beast.

Oh Ailsa, I know what you mean about people being there for you.  I have found that some friends and family I thought would be there have disappeared from view and yet friends who were not so close have stepped up and become good friends and people I can rely on.  I do find though, that because I try to get on with my life and carve a new path for myself it seems that people think I am getting on better than I am.  You can’t go round letting people know how you really feel and that it is an effort just to get out of bed and really tiring to get through each day.  But then, my friends who have walked in my shoes already know and those that haven’t cannot know unless they find themselves in our situation, and we would not wish that on them.

Lynn I am glad that the hospital have sorted your dads face out.  Hope that he is feeling a bit better now and I hope you are too.

Daffie, I am glad that you are feeling a bit calmer.  I did some weeding in the garden this afternoon.  I was really dreading it, another first, but I found it quite calming and was looking in wonder at the plants that have survived the bad winter.  I think that I will not now fear the thought of getting in the garden.  I think that is great about the holiday.  I went to Gran Canaria with some friends last month and I think it did me good.  The hard part was just seeing all the couples laughing and enjoying themselves.  But that is something we must get used to.  That dam world of the couples.  We used to inhabit it once…… That should lift your spirits, getting your new car.  What are you getting. 

I think we all feel guilty about moving on.  I find some days I feel as if there is some colour coming back into my world and then straight away I feel guilty that I am here and he is not.  But I know, in my heart, that Martin would want me to get on with my life.  I can even hear him in my head ‘You go for it girl’. I think the guilty feelings are of our own making and, of course, part of that grieving process.  I should think we all feel the same.

Clare, all that hurrying around arranging things is just us trying to keep running. After all, if you keep running you do not stay still enough to know how you really feel.  And I think that is a good thing.  It is when you want to stop running the problems probably arise.  I too did not want to go down the route of counselling.  I have found that talking to friends that have already walked in my shoes is counselling enough.  They really know what I am going through.  But I would not put counselling down, it does work for a lot of people.  And you know what they say…..do whatever it takes to get you through.  Don’t worry about sorting anything out.  I do believe that you will know when the time is right.  I am now 6 months on and I do not yet think I am ready to sort any of Martin’s possessions out.  But I also know I will know when the time is right.  Don’t worry about the weeping, I think that weeping is the bodies way of ‘letting off steam’ and I find you do feel somewhat calmer if the tears have come. 

I hope you are feeling better now Gayle.  How are your eyes coming along, are they back to normal now.  Enjoy your break, you deserve it xx.

Well that is enough rambling for tonight.

It only remains for me to wish all you lovely penguins as good a night as you can have.

Ps.  Hope the wedding plans are going OK for you Rosemary, and how do you know when I am blue and you are there to cheer me up.  ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you my good friend.  Perhaps one day we will actually meet up xx.

Take care you all and keep swimming.  Lots of (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to you all

Love

Pammie xx

Evening everyone.  It still feels a little early to go to bed just yet or I will be up at the crack of dawn so it seemed like a good time for a little catch up here.  I took up the offer of some one to one counselling from CRUSE last year.  I had been on the waiting list for about 8 months when I got the call.  I really wasn't sure but went along anyway to see if it helped.  It began in late March last year a little before the first anniversary of losing Chris.  I think it helped as I did say things to the counsellor I wouldn't say to anyone else for fear of upsetting them but I also found it a bit stressful if I was having a good day on the day of the appointment and maybe sometimes the session would actually bring me down.  Overall it helped me to understand a few key things about my grief and how mine grief at losing Chris was quite different to anyone else's grief at losing Chris.  I had been attributing everyone else with feeling as terrible, 24/7 as I did when in actual fact only I was missing Chris to that extent as the kids and his family as they didn't share a home and lifetime with him.  Understanding that lifted a weight off my shoulders so I suppose the counselling was useful but I have to say that I have gained far more comfort from my friends on here.  I think counselling suits some and not others.

Gayle I am glad to hear that you are at least feeling a little better.  I hope your cold goes soon.  Enjoy your break from the boys next week and then have a great time in Dublin.  There looks to be just 5 of us meeting in Manchester but I am so looking forward to it.

Pam it is funny that we have had similar experiences with friends.  Like you say I wouldn't wish anyone the opportunity to walk in my shoes but it means they really don't know how hard it is.  I only know one other person nearby who has lost her husband.  I'm glad you have been able to get out into the garden.  I have been making plans for mine.

I have a few things planned this weekend - I am going out to an Italian restaurant and then the theatre tomorrow evening and then Becky is cooking for me on Sunday for Mothers Day.  We are going to try to sort out an Olympic Event we can all go to.

I had a bit of bad news on Thursday when my youngest daughter was suddenly made redundant part way through her working day.  The Liquidators turned up and closed the place down.  She should have been paid last Monday for the previous month but no-one's salary went into their account.  It still never crossed anyone's mind that there was going to be a big problem.  They had been chasing up the problem but were told it would be sorted soon - it certainly was!  She was devastated but seems to be keeping her chin up.  She has an interview on Monday so fingers crossed she won;t be out of work for long.  It is such a shame though because she loved that job from day one

Right - just before I go I have had a quick look back and I will just say that I have not been able to get rid of very much of Chris's stuff so far.  I was able to put a lot of Chris's special things out of most people's sight in cupboards in the bedroom and so far that is where it has stayed.

Good night all and have a good weekend.  Fiona, not long now until your New York holiday - have a lovely time.  Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Just stopping by to send hugs to you all . I can.t really reply as i'm full of tears . Mothers day has bought so many thoughts back into my head and as its also mums 3rd anniversary coming up , its all leading to a very tearfull Lynnie today . Always turn to my penguins huddle up please xxxxx

Morning all

Lynne - you sound so sad and upset that I'm sending you a special one penguin huddle to keep you safe and comforted till everyone else is awake to huddle round us too........

Love and (((hugs)))

Dot xxxx

Morning everyone.  Lynne I'm here as well now so Dot & I can wrap round and make the start of a huddle - get in the middle quick.  I'm sorry you are feeling so sad this morning.  Take care of yourself and let your lovely family look after you this weekend.  Ailsa xxx

we're all here, lynnie, don't be frightened - you are safe, my lovely friend. xx

Thank you all , the tears wont stop today , think i must have saved them all up xxxxxx

Lynne (((((Special Hugs))))))/ It is no wonder you are so tearful. Mother's day throws up all sorts of emotions especially when you are having a difficult time anyway. You have been so worried about your dad just lately that I think it heightens the emotions. Like the others, I am here to wrap you in penguin friendship and love and hopefully make you feel a little comforted.

Love and angel hugs x x x  Patricia x x x