My husband died in my arms on the 2nd May (2009) - what happens now?

Evening everyone.  I just wanted to post a quick ((((((hug)))))) to everyone before I drop into bed.  I had visitors most of the weekend which was lovely but now I feel like I am missing everyone on here.  This is still the only place I can really open up.  I have read some posts but want to read them again more slowly before posting.  Helen there will still be a Manchester meet.  It looks like it will be just a little one with maybe only 5 of us but I need it so I am hoping the others are still up for it.  I will do one more thing before bed tonight and send a quick message just to confirm.  Lots of good wishes to everyone.  Take care and I will be back very soon to catch up properly.  Ailsa xxx

Evening to all penguins sorry I have not posted for awhile as some of you know my dad is in hospital, he is slowly improving, they want him to get some carers in to see to him when he gets home but he is very stubborn and will not give in, so doctor says he will have to stay in hospital till he agrees not going down well with him. So I have not had a lot of spare time at nights. I also was getting a new living room carpet and it has a flaw in it and it's been a fight to get them to replace it but finally today they said they would replace it. It's so hard when you are on your own. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow should have been 31 yrs tomorrow miss Derek loads hope he is somewhere nice having a wee drink for our anniversary ( cheers Derek ) I am off to N Y next week with Kim my first holiday without Derek. Not caught up with all the post yet but I will, so just sending everyone a big hug. Lynne read your post about your dad give him a big hug from me. Fiona x x x

Morning all . I'm on lates at work this week so its giving me lots of time to post so although i dont like this shift it does have its advantages . Ailsa hope your feeling a little less "alone" this morning and i'm sure a meet of about 5 penguins will be a great one , it will give everyone a chance to catch up without being "to much" . I really wish i could make it .

 Patricia hope you got through the day with some nice memories , its coming up to my mums 3rd anniversary soon (how can that be ) i know dad is already building up to it , and mothers day but i least i understand why now and i can try and explain to my sisters as they "just don't get it " .

Fiona , your poor dad and i do know what you mean about "the stubbeness " , i know one day we may have to make a desision if dad ever gets as though he cant look after himself , but he is of the "old school " when ever he has been asked if he needs any help he always says "no , i've got 3 lasses " mmm  3 lasses who all have jobs and would like to keep them , i do think he forgets this . We do do our best with him , we all go everyday (sometimes twice) . He still looks after himself so far , we do all the housework  obviously and sometimes shopping but he does still drive so he still does a lot for him self . He even took himself to the hospital yesterday , they actually removed the bone that was sticking out and stitched him up . They dont seem to concerned , they just said it was the radio therapy that had made the bone splinter off and just to go back if he needs to . He's in quite good spirits about it all , think he's just glad that his mouth might heal up a little bit now and maybe the infections and absesses will stop . Rosemary , thank you for the text , i know your having trouble with your internet and so hopfully that gets sorted soon . Good luck with the build up to the wedding .. Sorry i've not mentioned everyone , your all in my thoughts andd i send penguin hugs to you all .

Oh just a quick story , i had to send for a new moderm for my internet and i got K to set it up for me , when i was connecting , it said to connect to penguins , i said "ooh look someone has called thie modern penguins what a coincidence  "   K said " thats yours , i've called it that for you and your penguins " . What a thoughtfull man he is and i think myself very very lucky to have him in my life , he's not Gordon and never will be but he does make me happy .

 Take care all 

 Lynne xxxxx

Big hugs for you, dad and K

xx

Great picture Sue as usual xxxxx

Hi

Patricia, I was thinking of you on Monday, last April I completely missed the 4th year for my mom, didn't think of her until later in the month.  I have a very large problem with motivation also.  I am very lucky we had such a great handyman living down the street.  I had pulled that carpet up about 3 years ago and we never got around to getting the floor down, so finally I got the handyman in and he did it for me.  It is beautiful and I had to sort out junk while removing it from the room.  I did get rid of a couple of pieces of furniture that I don't need and am liking the way the room looks now but still have a house full of stuff to sort out so definately not organized.

They tiled the little area by my front door yesterday and hopefully they will grout it today and then I can start cleaning up the the dust they have left. 

Lynne and Fiona, sending hugs and hope your dads are feeling better soon.  Fiona, this August would be my 30th anniversary and I am not looking forward to it.  I had hoped to be in Gaspe on the day but my friend can't go with me so I am now once again looking for someone to drive there with, it is 1,000 miles and I don't want to do that drive alone.  I also need to fill up the summer.  Eight weeks alone is too much to stay home so once I figure out Gaspe, I can start thinking of other places to go and things to do.

take care everyone

evening penguins

I am pleased to say I am better the last couple of days, it got just too much for a couple of days and that is not what i wanted to let myself feel like again. I hate to admit it but the hormones play a big role in me struggling each month, some worse then others but i think I may have to see the GP to see if i can settle out the extreeme swing of emotions. It does not happen in the same way at other times so I am resistant to the idea of antidepressants though i am realsonably willing to bet thats the first thing i will be offered.

Ailsa I hope that lonely empty feeling when company has gone is better today. I have noticed that too after I have had company or been away for a few days, there is just a kind of flat feeling the day after.

Lynne i am glad that your dads problem seemed so easy for them to sort out, fingers crossed it stays that way.

bren i hope you manage to get your trip sorted and make some plans for the summer fuller.

Gayle how are things going for you?

i forget so much stuff just after i read it at the moment, so to all those i have missed, big hugs.

Becky

Evening everyone.  Becky I am really pleased to read that you are feeling a bit better now.  I hope your GP can help with the hormones although you are probably right and he will try to offer anti-depressants first.  Stick to your guns and get him to help with what you know is wrong not what he thinks is wrong.  I am doing okay and thank you for asking.  I still feel quite lost but recently I have noticed I am resenting people who said they would be there for me and now are nowhere to be seen.  I don't want to rant about it so I will deal with it.  It often feels like some of my 'bestest' friends these days are friends I have made since Chris died.

Fiona & Lynne I hope your Dads are both doing okay.  Is your Dad still sticking to his guns Fiona and declining the offer of help at home?  Such hard work for you but probably so scary for your Dad as well.  Lynne I am glad they were able to sort out the protruding  bone for your Dad and make him a bit more comfortable.  'K' is such a star naming your modem like that.  Very perceptive and thoughtful.  I'm glad he makes you happy.

Bren the floor sounds lovely.  Good luck getting the rest of it done.  I have a few more jobs to do to the house and then a bit of decorating but I can see the end of those jobs so I am getting some more challenges ready as I have the opposite of 'no motivation' - can't sit still itis.  I am making good progress copying my vinyl record collection to CD and my ipod.  It brings back lovely memories listening to our old records while I copy them.

Patricia how are you?  I hope you are doing okay after the 4th anniversary of losing your Mum.  So much has happened in the pat 12 months for you.

Helen I hope you are okay as well - I am looking forward to the meet in Manchester.  It is really good that it is quite close as well - not long to wait.

Rosemary I keep thinking about you and about Sam & Wayne as well.  The wedding is nearly here now.  Is everything ready?  I am sure it is.  Gayle how are you doing?  I hope you are making a good recovery after your operation.

Take care everyone.  Ailsa xxx

Hello all,

I haven't posted for a while, but have been reading all your news.  Hope you are all having as good a day as you can.

Several things have happened for me lately.  I seem to be getting calmer about going on with my very different life.  It came to me while i was inspecting the plants dammaged by last winter's cold that some of those i thought were dead are slowly coming back to life.  Is that a metaphor for me I wonder?

My lovely family have asked me to go on holiday with them in July.  Something nice to look forward to, and an incentive to stop the comfort eating and start a diet.

Next week i take delivery of my new car.  Gary made our daughter promise she would see I got one with more safety features than my current run around.  Also, now his big car is sold, I need a bigger boot.

Some days i feel guilty that I am moving on, but I know that is what Gary wanted.  He made me promise that I  make the best life i could without him, so that is what i am trying to do.  I expect many setbacks along the way, but i will do it for him.....

Hi, its been a while since I posted too, but I do look in still. Daffie, we are at a similar stage as we both lost our husbands in December, and I am glad you are feeling calmer.  I have been a bit manic, booking holidays and making sure that every weekend is filled up, but I know this is just diversion tactics. I have been offered bereavement counselling from the Hospice, but I decided to turn it down as I feel that going over stuff just wouldnt be helpful to me right now. She did say that if every I feel i need it in the future, the door is always open, which is a big relief, as I'm not sure how I am going to feel say in 6 months time, or if this is the 'new' me now.

There are many things that I cant bring myself to sort through at home. I start off sortingout  a particular drawer or cupboard, but then I feel overwhelmed. should I keep this item, should I give it to the charity shop or throw it away. I feel paralysed and cant seem to make a decision, so it all goes back into the drawer and I find myself weeping yet again.

Clare xx